Fate Crazy Knights
by GoldenFireFox
Summary: When Kiritsugu summoned the King of Knights he did not expect a teenage girl with same name and possible psychiatric case, or her eccentric knights. And Kiritsugu wasn't the only who summoned crazy Servants. Crackfic. Fate Zero. Carnival Phantasm.
1. The Conjuring

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fate Zero, Fate Stay Night, Carnival Phantasm and their characters. I also do not own any shows quoted in this fic, or any show at all.**

 **The Conjuring**

At the London Clock Tower, a blond man in blue overcoat was frantically rearranging all the books and furnitures of his office while a lady with red hair watched her nails.

"Sola dear, could you help me move this drawer?" The man asked struggling to move the drawer.

"Go ask your Iskander for help, Kayneth!" the woman replied irritably.

"Oh dear, are you still mad that I will be summoning Alexander and not Diarmuid?" Kayneth asked.

"If I were I wouldn't be giving you my mana to summon your favourite king for this stupid death tournament."

"Come on Sola-Ui! Don't be that way! Sure Diarmuid would be a powerful servant but I need the absolute best to win the Holy Grail War."

"So you are saying you can't win this on your own?" Sola-Ui asked with a smirk.

"Don't be ridiculous dear, all the other masters are orientals except for the German who is not even Human. Except for Tohsaka, Matou and Einzbern there will be no mage of noted lineage participating. I, Lord Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald of the Clock Tower will win this hands down. It's just science."

"And racism," Kayneth's fiancée muttered.

"Anyway," Kayneth ignored his fiancée's remarks, "Once the relic arrives I will start the summoning process and then," Kayneth grinned rubbing his palms together in anticipation, "No one will stop us from wishing upon the Holy Grail."

Sola-Ui laughed nervously at the sight, 'With that pointy noise he looks so much like a goblin,' Then she sighed, 'Why did father have to betroth me with this fool?'

"Lord El-Melloi! Lord El-Melloi!" A deliveryman entered.

"I have been expecting-" Archibald's grin turned to frown seeing the man empty-handed, "Where is the relic?"

"It wa-s st-ol-en, Lo-rd El-Me-lloi," The man stuttered.

"Stolen? STOLEN? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY STOLEN?" Kayneth asked.

"Some-one took it... my Lord," The man replied.

Kayneth stood still for a while before exploding, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!"

The outrage left Kayneth huffing for a while, even as the deliveryman and Sola-Ui watched him.

"Lord-"

"Leave. Before I skewer you." The man ran for his life.

"So now do we summon Diarmuid?" Sola-Ui asked.

"Yes, yes we do," Kayneth affirmed, but as the words left his mouth, Kayneth could not shake the weariness in his gut.

After the summoning, there stood before the couple a young knight in black armour and spiky black hair pulled backwards save for a long curly bang between his eyes. The knight had two lances in his hands, he knelt before them and asked, "I am the servant Lancer, I ask are you-" Diarmuid's monologue was interrupted by Sola grabbing his hand.

"Well hello there handsome," She said smitten by the handsome knight.

And that's when Kayneth remembered... "THE CURSED LOVE-SPOT!" Kayneth said pointing at Diarmuid's charmed spot below his left eye.

"A THOUSAND APOLOGIES MASTER! I DID NOT KNOW YOUR FIANCEE WAS HERE!" Diarmuid apologized.

"Don't be silly! You had no way of knowing I was here," Sola-Ui giggled.

"Of course he didn't..." Kayneth grit as he watched his beloved Sola flirt with an embarrassed Diarmuid.

'Whoever stole Alexander the Great from me, know that you will pay with more than your life,' Kayneth swore.

In Fuyuki City, at a clearing close to the Mackenzie resident, Waver Velvet, a young British man with slick black hair and green eyes drew runes on the ground with chicken blood.

"Fill, fill, fill, fill and fill," the boy muttered before sighing, "Alright, now I have to summon Alexander the Great, win the death battle against other mages and servants and then everyone at the Clock Tower will respect me, even that racist Archibald," the boy told himself before starting the ritual.

Soon the clearing was lit with a momentary flash and a huge dark man with red beard and hair appeared riding a chariot run by two oxen.

"I AM ISKANDER! THE KING OF CONQUERORS! AND THIS IS MO! AND THIS IS MO! AND TOGETHER THEY ARE MOMO!" Alexander said and his oxen mooed as lightning flashed dramatically.

Waver gaped in disbelief, "What the heck?"

Meanwhile, in the catacombs of the Fuyuki City Church, a priest was performing the pagan summoning ritual under the instructions of a man in red coat while an elder priest watched over them.

Soon from the circle a pitch black man with a bone white mask appeared, then a black woman with same mask appeared, then another man, then another, then another, then another.

"What's happening?" The elder priest shouted as the room began getting crowded.

Soon the room was filled with a hundred pitch black people crushing the priests and the bearded man against the door.

"Oh Lord! Please forgive our sinful souls. We will never perform pagan rituals in a church ever again!" The elder priest prayed for forgiveness.

"Amen!" They chorused.

'CREAK!' The door creaked before breaking, pushing the three men outside the room and leaving them gasping for air.

"Praise the Lord!" The three men said together.

One of the black men exit the room before bowing to the younger priest, "We are the servant Assassin. We ask, are you our master?"

"All of you?" The younger priest asked.

"Yes, all of us," Assassin affirmed, "We ask again, are you our Master?"

"Yes, I am Kotomine Kirei, this is my father Kotomine Risei and this is my mentor Tohsaka Tokiomi," The younger priest said.

And of course the Assassins were not amused when Kirei told them they would be minions for Tokiomi's future Servant, but they kept their calm... by sulking in the shadows...

Just after Assassin's summoning the three men rushed to the basement of the Tohsaka mansion to summon Tokiomi's servant. After this summoning, Tohsaka Tokiomi was ecstatic when he saw his servant, a man with golden hair spiked upwards and covered golden armour. He had large golden earrings and a demeanour that radiated arrogance. His red eyes looked at Tokiomi as though he was the master and not Tokiomi.

"Yes! I have summoned Gilgamesh, the King of Heroes," Tokiomi said turning to his student Kirei, "We have won!"

"It would appear so," Kirei nodded expressionlessly.

"Not so fast!" Gilgamesh said, "Before I allow you my services as the Archer, you must prove yourself worthy," Tokiomi turned to the King of Heroes confused who smirked at the mage, "You must let me have your bride's virginity."

Tokiomi and Kirei were quite shocked at the demand, "But my King," Tokiomi said controlling his rage keeping in mind Archer's overwhelming noble phantasm and his need to win the Holy Grail War, "My wife is no more a virgin."

"Hmmm... then I shall have your wife's virginity," The arrogant king told the priest.

"My wife is dead," Kirei told the King of Uruk stoically, neither enraged nor humoured."

"This is quite the dilemma... very well then," Gilgamesh said turning towards the head of the Tohsaka family, who felt his heart clench for his Aoi's sake, "I shall judge you by the quality of your wine."

Tokiomi was taken aback by the King's sudden change of mood, Gilgamesh continued, "Pray it is to my liking or else it shall be your head."

"Yes my king," Tokiomi rushed not noticing his student's smirk but Gilgamesh did, himself quite amused by the events.

"You were only trying to rile him up weren't you?" Kirei asked, Gilgamesh neither confirmed nor denied the charge.

"I do hope he is always this amusing," Gilgamesh said, "For his own sake."

Meanwhile, in a German village, at the Einzbern church, at the alter a stoic man with black spiky hair and black suit was performing the ritual while his snow fairy like wife in white gown with golden trimmings watched over him, silently praying they got King Arthur. The prayer was answered by a gust of wind... but not the way they expected.

When the white haired lady opened her red eyes, she did not see a tall and bulky knight in shining armour or a king in ceremonial robes and a golden crown with expensive jewels.

What they saw was a young girl, merrily eating home made Soga noodles. The girl in question was blonde and fair, she wore white shirt and long blue skirt giving her an appearance of an English county girl. She seemed too small to be knight and too young to be a king or a queen.

The girl paused eating, when she noticed them. She glanced between the stoic man and his wife, analysing the situation with her poison green eyes before slurping in rest of the noodles. Then she stood up and with a gust of wind she changed into regal blue dress with sliver armour and gauntlets, her expression stern like a warrior.

"I am the servant Saber! I ask, which one of you is my master?" Saber said.

"No way, this can't be King Arthur," The man said trying to keep himself expressionless.

"It is I, King Arturia Pendragon of the Round Table," Saber affirmed.

"But you're a girl," Iris pointed out the obvious, "You cannot be a king."

"Dragons do not have gender," Arturia quoted the Game of Thrones.

"This is worse than expected," The man sighed which miffed Arturia.

"You should check my stats before writing me off..." Arturia said, and when the man checked her stats it was very impressive but some of the things he read just didn't make sense.

'What the heck is a Meatcalibur? And why does she have a maid outfit?' the man groaned internally.

"You have yet to answer, which one of you is my master?"

The man lifted his right hand to show a crucifix style sword tattoo, "I am Kiritsugu Emiya and this is my wife Irisviel von Einzbern, she will pretend to be your master."

'I must deal with the dork then,' Arturia sighed only on the inside, "Then it is settled," Saber raised her invisible sword, "From this day forth your fate is intertwined with my sword. From this day I am your sword. I shall protect you from all harm and vanquish all who may stand in our path to victory. This pact shall stand till the day we are victorious or I breathe my last breath, whichever comes first."

Kiritsugu and Irisviel looked in awe as the first specks of sunlight reflected off the girl making her appear like an angel of war. For the first time in many years Kiritsugu felt optimistic that they could, no would win the war. Irisviel felt their shared hope for peace closer still. This moment seemed frozen like a beautiful painting to be drawn in by the beholder.

But of course it had to be ruined when Saber switched back to her county girl attire, "For now let us head for breakfast, for a war cannot be won on an empty stomach." Kiritsugu and Irisviel sighed as Saber left the alter in search of the kitchen. Kiritsugu sat on a bench and sulked about.

"So the King of Knights is a little girl? Who would have thought?" Iris jested to lighten the mood.

"This is completely unexpected. But..." Kiritsugu rose up from his seat his eyes burning with passion despite his stoic face, "Even with this setback, we must utilize Saber as effectively as possible to win the Holy Grail War FOR WORLD PEACE!" By the end of the speech Kiritsugu made the general peace sign as Iris could see an imaginary peace emblem floating above him.

"Hopefully, the other masters summoned even crazier warriors," Irisviel von Einzbern sighed.

Meanwhile in Fuyuki City, a serial killer and a crazy mage were making artwork out of dead bodies of the children they had kidnapped.

"This is awesome Bluebeard, can you show me even more awesome ways to kill?" The serial killer, a young man with red hair asked the mage with sickening eagerness.

"Of course my young master! I cannot deny such eagerness in an artistic endeavour," The mage with eyes set like a fish smiled, "I, Giles de Rais shall show you all the cool of killing in the coming days master Uryuu."

"This is gonna be awesome!" said the psychopath named Uryuu Ryuunosuke.

 **Author's Note: And that leaves Berserker for the next chapter... you'll see why. Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Please review.**


	2. The Knights of The Round Table

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fate Zero, Fate Stay Night, Carnival Phantasm or any Fate franchise, they are all properties of the TYPE-MOON. I also don't own 300.**

 **The Knights of the Round Table**

The next day after Saber's summoning, Kiritsugu and Irisviel were trying to comfort their daughter, while Saber, disguised as Iris' bodyguard patiently waited by the car impatiently playing with the windows.

"There there Illya, don't cry," Irisviel tried to comfort her crying daughter, "Mom and Dad will only be gone for a few weeks."

"No Mommy, I wanna come with you too," little Illyasviel sobbed holding on to Iris' skirt, "I saw a bad dream in which a big cup threw mud on a city and destroyed the city and Pappa killed you and grandfather would not let him take me and then Daddy died and then I became a cup."

Irisviel and Kiritsugu did not know how to respond to that, all of those were a possibility, but Saber had something to say.

"Do not fret lady Illyasviel, no one dies in these games," Saber said with a straight face, "Except Lancer. He always dies, but he is not human."

'HOW CAN SHE SAY THAT WITH SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE!' Kiritsugu and Iris thought.

"Really?" Illya asked.

"Knights do not lie," Saber reassured. Illya ran to Saber and held out her little finger.

"Pinky promise?"

Saber held Illya's little finger, a bit awkwardly, and said, "Pinky promise."

Kiritsugu and Irisviel smiled at the scene. Saber may have lied to Illya, perhaps unknowingly, but it made Illya smile again so they couldn't possibly hold it against her.

And so after a long flight from Berlin to Fuyuki City, the three of them arrived at the airport where they were received by a stoic woman in black with amber eyes and short hair.

"Maiya, has everything been prepared?" Kiritsugu asked.

"Yes," Maiya replied.

"Iris-chan, go ahead with Saber, me and Maiya have some business to take care of," Kiritsugu said.

"Does this business involve a bedroom in a private hotel?" Irisviel asked jealousy written all over her face.

"It must be done, for world peace," Kiritsugu said before leaving a dumbfounded Iris with Saber.

"Do not worry Lady Irisviel," Maiya said stoically but Iris could just tell she was smirking on the inside, "We won't take long," she said before following Kiritsugu.

"That bitch!" Iris cursed as she exit the airport with Saber, "I don't know what Kiri sees in her."

"I do not know what you see in him," Arturia said, "He is openly committing adultery despite having a daughter with you."

"Well, Kiritsugu is fighting for world peace... and he gets me my favourite car," Irisviel said pointing at a black car parked out for them.

"With your own wealth," Saber rolled her eyes taking the driver's seat.

"Anyway," Iris changed the topic, "Why are you fighting in the Grail Wars?" Iris took the seat beside Saber, "Is it to save your kingdom?"

"No," Saber replied surprising Iris and the engines started.

"Then what is it?" Iris asked as Saber pulled out the car.

"I actually have two wishes and I have yet to choose from them," Saber answered, driving out of the driving lot.

"Really, what are they?"

"The first is for a true happy ending to my original series and the second is the continuation of the parody series."

"Oookay..." Irisviel asked, 'So she believes that she is part of some series? Poor girl. Her kingdom's destruction must have affected her badly.'

They remained quiet for some time, driving by various sights but soon Iris got bored so she spoke, "Say, Kiritsugu told me you had this Noble Phantasm called Knights of the Round Table."

"I have such a Noble Phantasm?" Saber checked, "Hmm... I do have a Noble Phantasm with such a name. How peculiar, I have never had this before."

"Really?" Iris asked, "What does it do?"

"Let us find out," Saber said and Iris had a very bad feeling.

"Wait!" But too late.

 **"Come Forth! Knights** **of the** **Round Table!"** Saber chanted and soon the car did not have enough space to breathe.

"WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?"

"WHO BROUGHT US HERE?"

"GET YOUR ARSE AWAY FROM MY FACE!"

"I CAN'T BREATHE!"

"Yo-u a-re cho-oking me..."

"MMPH! MMPH!"

"THIS MUST BE HELL!"

"TONIGHT! WE DINE IN HELL!" Everyone was quiet for a while, "Pardon my jest, it just had to be said."

"SABER! STOP THE CAR!" Irisviel screamed.

Saber managed to parallel park the car and quickly got out, followed by Irisviel. Saber opened the back door and twelve people flooded out of the car.

"PRAISE THE LORD!" They chorused, drawing attention from bystanders.

"Who are they?" Iris asked.

"They-"

"Your Majesty! Please allow us!" One of them said. The knight, a tall, wheatish and handsome man with long braided platinum blond hair, knelt before Irisviel and kissed her hand, "I am Bedivere, the Noblest of King Arthur's Knights."

Bedivere stood up and a blond knight, wearing a silver armour so bright Iris had to wear her goggles, knelt down and kissed Iris' hand, "I am Gwain, the Knight of the Sun and the King's nephew," Gwain introduced himself before stepping back and letting a very young orange-haired knight in black armour step forward.

"I am Gareth, Sir Gwain's favourite brother," Gareth said before being pushed aside by another orange haired knight in grey armour.

"I am Gaheris, Sir Gwain's real favourite brother," Gaheris said before being pushed by Gareth.

"No I am the favourite brother!"

"No I am the favourite brother!"

"No I am!"

"No I am!"

While the brothers argued, a knight with curly blond hair holding a huge shield with the cross stepped forward, "I am Galahad, the son of Lancelot du Lac, also known as the Mighty Fighting Priest and half of Shielder," said the knight in silver armour with gold cross.

"I am Agravain of the Hard Hand, Sir Gwain's elder brother," said a tall knight with long black hair wearing a hooded brown cloak over his armour, "And I am warning you that our king is a dragon."

"There he goes..." All the knights rolled their eyes.

"I am Tristan, the Knight of Leonis," said the knight, seemingly the only archer of the group, who had wavy light brown hair and matching eyes, "And love." He pulled away unaware of a red dot on his forehead but Irisviel did and laughed awkwardly.

"I am Percival, the Virgin Knight" said a knight with red hair and blue eyes wearing a chain-mail armour, "Even though I am not a virgin."

"I am Bors the Younger, the Knight with the Balls," Everyone stared reproachfully at the knight with shabby purple hair and matching eyes wearing chain-mail, "Pardon the jest but it just had to be said."

"I am Kay, the King's foster brother and the only one with the brains in this group," said a knight in chain-mail who had dark brown hair and eyes, much to the indignation of the other knights while kissing Irisviel's hand longer than needed... ignoring the red dot.

As soon as Kay left, a youthful blue eyed man with long white hair grabbed Irisviel's hand and kissed it multiple times, "A thousand greetings my dearest snow angel, I am Merlin the most beautiful of Arturia's knights," the man in purple robes with a dragon crest introduced himself. He also had a blue tattoo below his left eye.

"Wait, you were never knighted," Arturia said.

"Yes, but I have been counted as an unofficial member for my role in recruiting the knights," Merlin said, "Now Lady Irisviel, I am of the understanding that Master Kiritsugu has been dishonest with you, may I suggest that you answer his adultery with adultery." Just then a red dot appeared appeared on his forehead.

Merlin blinked twice before turning to the tallest building in the vicinity and found Kiritsugu aiming his sniper at him, "WAA!" Merlin cried out hiding behind Irisviel, "Master Emiya! I swear I was only jesting! I have only the purest of intentions towards your wife."

"Hn. Pathetic," a knight in a voice that sounded like a kid trying to play adult. This knight wore white bulky armour with red clothes below. The helmet had long slits for eyes and ram-like horns, it covered the knight's face completely, giving the knight a devilish look, "To think the mightiest of England's mages would grovel behind a woman when faced with a mere gun."

"And you are?" Iris asked.

"I am Mordred, the mightiest knight and the rightful heir to the throne of Camelot," Mordred boasted with pride.

"Who made you my heir?" Arturia asked in annoyance.

"But it is my right for I am your son," Mordred replied with a smirk.

"You can't be my son!"

"And why is that? Is it because Morgana is my mother? Do you hate me for it?" Mordred charged at Arturia angrily.

"No," Arturia replied dodging a swipe, "It is because YOU ARE A GIRL!" Arturia smacked Mordred on her head and down to the ground, splitting her helmet into two revealing her face.

"OW! OW! OW! MOMMA! PAPA HIT ME!" Mordred cried as she clutched her head while the others, except Merlin, looked between Arturia and Mordred shocked by their resemblance.

"You had a child? With another woman? Despite being a woman?" Irisviel asked.

"I told you the King is not human," said Agravain.

"Urgh..." Said the rest.

"Such is the power of Anime and magic potions my Lady," Merlin boasted, "Perhaps you would like to try the potion for yourself," Merlin smirked showing Iris the gender-bender potion, which was shot, the courtesy of Kiritsugu who was now aiming at Merlin's head again, "MASTER EMIYA! I WAS MERELY JESTING! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!" Merlin cried out hiding behind Irisviel.

"I am surprised you did not see that coming..." Kay told Merlin.

"So, why are you all here? As my Noble Phantasm nonetheless?" Arturia asked, "This has never happened before."

"Exactly!" Kay said, "You get all the screen time while we barely get some references or appearances? What a farce!"

"We have decided to use the Holy Grail to appear alongside you in the next show that you may appear in," Bedivere said.

"Indeed, the hearts of the men demand that we all appear at least once together as the Knights of the Round Table," Tristan added passionately.

"By appearing in the same show as you, I will prove to you that I am your worthy heir and son-" Mordred was smacked on the head again.

"You are a girl!" Saber said.

"Papaaa..." Mordred cried.

"By God, either they really are Anime characters, or they have all gone mad," Kiritsugu thought aloud from his vantage point, eavesdropping through the secret mics on Iris, "Or perhaps they are a manifestation of Arturia's hallucinations."

All the knights looked resolutely at Arturia, waiting for her reaction, "Hmmm... I see... speaking of us all... there is someone missing," Arturia noted before counting, "Me, Merlin, Sir Bedivere, Sir Kay, Sir Gwain, Sir Gareth, Sir Gaheris, Sir Mordred, Sir Agravain, Sir Tristan, Sir Bors, Sir Gallahad and- where is Sir Lancelot?"

Meanwhile, in the basement of the Matou mansion, a sickly man with white hair and a blind eye was performing a summoning ritual while a crooked old man watched over him with demonic red eyes, whose sclera were black.

Soon an ominous knight appeared. The knight was tall covered from head to toe in grey armour that appeared black due to the eerie black mist surrounding him and eyes that glowed red making him seem like the devil itself.

When he noticed the sickly man he roared, **"BERSERKER!"**

The man blinked not quite expecting a berserker servant with ability to speak, after a while he finally said, "I am Kariya Matou, your master."

" **Berserker!"** The knight said.

"And apparently that's all you can say," Kariya sighed.

"Huhuhu... well Kariya, it seems you have summoned a berserker with the ability to speak," Zouken Matou mocked before leaving, all the while laughing hysterically.

" **Berserker!"** Berserker spoke in a tone that said, 'What an ass.'

"You'll get used to it," Kariya sighed.

While Kariya and Lancelot made acquaintances, Irisviel and the Knights of the Round Table went on a shopping spree. Irisviel bought the knights a wardrobe each to help them blend in. While the men were dressed in black suits, looking like bodyguards, Mordred and Arturia who were now dressed in matching frocks; red for Mordred and blue for Arturia. Needless to say, both the girls were extremely embarrassed to be walking around in such dresses.

"Lady Irisviel, surely this is far too extravagant," Saber protested.

"Come on Saber, you both look adorable," Iris said, pinching their cheeks.

"Indeed, you two look like faeries," Bedivere agreed, causing the King of Knights to blush like a tomato while the Knight of Treachery turned purple out of annoyance.

"Well! Knights aren't suppose to look like faeries. Especially not me the son-"

"Grrr..." Saber growled.

Mordred immediately covered her head and hid behind a smiling Irisviel like the little girl she was.

"Ah!" Iris suddenly gasped, "I sense a powerful mana near the docks. Looks like a servant is giving an open challenge," Iris frowned.

"Now, we can't refuse such an offer can we?" Mordred smirked.

"It would be dishonourable," Arturia agreed, "Let's go!"

Iris and Saber rushed to the car, followed by the knights. Saber deactivated the Knights of the Round Table, causing the knights to disappear and all their clothes flying in all directions, inner wear included.

"Why did you do that?" Kay asked.

"To make space in the car of course," Saber replied.

"Are you all naked right now?" Iris asked looking at the clothes lying around.

"No."

"Yes.

"Maybe."

After an uncomfortable silence, Iris said, "Okay... let's just pick up the clothes and then we'll meet the servant."

"The two of you will have to do that on your own because we're all spirits right now," Kay said.

Saber's team reached the docks by nightfall where they were greeted by a handsome knight in black armour wielding two spears. Unknown to the two knights, Assassin was watching from a vantage point.

" _How is it going?"_ Kotomine Kirei asked Assassin through telepathy.

"Saber arrived to accept Lancer's challenge," Assassin replied, "And we still hate you for what happened to Zayd."

" _He should have known better than to disguise himself as the pizza boy,"_ Kirei shrugged with a smirk, _"At Master Tokiomi's house of all places_."

"Tokiomi was clearly expecting Zayd and don't think I cannot feel your smirk," Assassin replied.

" _Trust me, no one could expect Gilgamesh to answer the door,"_ Kirei said, _"Besides, there are a hundred of you, and you are all the same person, so even if Zayd had died, no loss."_

"Whatever," Assassin replied turning his attention back to Saber and Lancer.

"Hahaha... Lancer, it seems your first challenger for the night has arrived," Kayneth said from top of a crane.

"You took your time," Lancer greeted before taking a long look at Saber's sword, "Saber, but I thank you for being the first to accept my challenge."

"It is a knights duty to answer such challenges by fellow knights, Lancer," Saber replied.

"Oh my God it's an extremely handsome knight with two spears," Iris stated.

From a vantage point, Kiritsugu aimed his sniper at Diarmuid only to find a red dot on his chest.

" _Leave the handsome knight alone,"_ Maiya said from the microphone stoically. Kiritsugu turned his aim back at Kayneth who was watching the battle from the top of a crane.

'Hopefully, Maiya won't realise that killing Kayneth will cause Lancer to disappear,' Kiritsugu sighed, 'And what's that smudge on my lens?'

"Irisviel, what is the matter with you?" Saber asked with a frown, then she noticed Diarmuid's mark, "That mark, it has a love-charm."

"Ah! So you noticed. And you resisted the spell, so Saber-class' magic resistance is-"

"You pervert..."

"Excuse me?"

"You think you can just charm any woman you see and use them to your ends," Saber accused Lancer.

"Wait moment this is a misunderstanding," Lancer tried defending himself but Saber wasn't done yet.

"You are a disgrace upon the knights, you are not even human, you are a pig!"

"What?" Lancer felt that one hit his pride.

"What do you think you are doing Lancer? Kill them!" Kayneth ordered.

"Yes Master!" Diarmuid dashed at Arturia.

"Knights need not deal with pigs," Saber said, **"Come forth! Saber Lion!"**

" **GAO!"** A doppelgänger of Saber wearing a lion costume dashed at Diarmuid, meeting Gae Dirge and Gae Buidhe with Excalibur and Meatcalibur(which was a huge leg piece).

"What in the heavens?" Diarmuid asked.

Saber Lion sniffed Diarmuid a bit before gaining a hungry look in her eyes, **"GAO!"**

"A word of caution, her favourite food is Lancer," Saber said with a smirk.

"What?"

" **GAO!"** Lion pushed Lancer back and pounced on him, sending them both tumbling out of sight.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Lancer screams were heard.

" _Battle Report!"_

"A girl just ate Lancer. I think I'm gonna-" all the Assassins puked simultaneously.

" _Did she now?"_ Kirei asked, imagining Lancer's suffering, 'This war continues to be amusing..."

 **A/N: Amusing it is... I hope you guys enjoyed this one. Also, I'd appreciate some feedback on how I can make this funnier or/and where I should tone down. On side note, most of the Knights are based on what I could find from TYPE-MOON Wiki, Wikipedia and Google images, and the last time I read one of the King Arthur stories was when I was nine or ten and I'm not sure I completed that, reading one just for the sake of this fanfic seems bothersome, so expect absolutely random made up stuff on the knights. I'd also like to thank alicemisuzu and the guest reviewer NameConfusion for pointing out the errors. Darn, that was embarrassing but it gave me a few ideas...**


	3. One Long Knight

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fate Zero, Fate Stay Night, Carnival Phantasm or any other Fate franchise, they are property of TYPE MOON. I also don't own the Lion King and Assassin's Creed.**

 **One Long Knight**

"Ugh..." Once Assassin wiped his mouth after he was done puking, _"Brother Zayn, Sister Ruqsana, is everyone alright?"_

" _Somehow, I still cannot believe that a girl ate Lancer,"_ replied Zayn.

" _I know what you mean,"_ Assassin replied.

" _So what do we do now Old Man Hassan?"_ Ruqsana asked.

" _As much as I hate to say this, we wait and watch,"_ Hassan replied as all the Assassin personas turned their attention back to the scene where an irate Iris was hitting Saber's armour repeatedly thus not hurting her despite wanting to.

"WAAA! How could you?" Iris cried as she hit Saber who did not hit back.

"Please, calm yourself Lady Irisviel, you are still under Lancer's foul spell," Saber tried reasoning.

"I hate you! I hate you! Ah!" Iris was knocked out by a fist on her head.

"Shut up already!" said Mordred, "OW!" Mordred was hit by Arturia, her helmet splitting due to the king's blow.

"Knights do not hit ladies," the King of Knights chastised.

"But I am a girl..." Mordred said with a pout.

"Good, you are learning."

"AAAAA!" Mordred screamed pointing at something, they turned to find a fish-eyed man in weird clothes holding a skull in one hand and a goblet in other.

"BEWARE! SHE IS HERE! MY BEAUTIFUL VIRGIN IS BACK FOR VENGEANCE! MY VIRGIN WILL FEED THOSE WHO TORMENTED HER TO LIONS! BEWARE! BEWARE! BEWARE!" The mad man declared before scurrying off to whichever hell he came from.

"Okay... who was that?" Bedivere asked.

"Hmmm... I think that was Caster," Saber replied.

"And what was he talking about?"

"Could he be talking about Percival?" Mordred said with a smirk, "He said virgin a lot."

Percival appeared and screamed at Mordred, "I AM NOT VIRGIN!"

"Hahaha!" Mordred laughed before getting hit by Saber, OW!" Mordred cried out, "What was that for?"

"Respect your fellow knights," Arturia chastised.

Meanwhile, a crying Maiya was trying to shoot Arturia, only to be stopped by Kiritsugu who appeared behind her in an instant using Time Alter.

"Let go! I must avenge Lancer!" Maiya cried.

"He was our enemy!"

"I loved him!"

"Did you even know his real name?" Kiritsugu asked. When Maiya stopped struggling, he thought he had finally gotten through to her but...

"WAAAA!" Maiya cried upon that realization.

"The things one must do... for world peace," Kiritsugu sighed as a peace symbol appeared above him.

While the women were weeping, Kayneth was surprisingly calm, or upset, about the situation, "Lancer! What do you think you are doing? Get back here!" Kayneth said irritably, but no one replied, "By the power of-"

Kayneth was interrupted by a vomit on his well-kept blond hair and dung on his clothes, "UGH! WHAT THE HELL! WHO DID THAT!"

The next instant, there was a flash of lightning and a large red haired man with thick red beard riding a chariot run by two oxen appeared, "IT IS I! THE KING OF CONQUERERS! ISKANDER THE GREAT!" The man in Macedonian armour announced.

"YOU! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO VOMITED ON MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!" Kayneth screamed.

"Oh! That would be my master's conquest," Iskander pointed to a British boy in dark green sweater, vomiting his guts out from a corner of the chariot, "Seeing Lancer's death did not bode well for his stomach."

"WAVER VELVET! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO STOLE ALEXANDER FROM ME, VOMITED ON MY HAIR AND SHAT ON MY CLOTHES!"

"Actually the shit was from Mo and Mo," Waver replied before continuing his vomit session.

" **MOOO! MOOO!"** The oxen mooed together in embarrassment.

"VELVET! YOU LITTLE BRAT! YOU WILL PAY FOR STEALING ALEXANDER-"

"Can it old man!" Rider said.

"What did you say?"

"I SAID THERE IS NO WAY THAT I, ISKANDER, THE KING OF CONQUERERS, WOULD HAVE ANSWERED YOUR SUMMON LET ALONE SERVE YOU, A COWARD HIDING ON A CRANE!" Iskander declared, "Besides, you are full of shit."

"You-You-" Kayneth was left flabbergasted. Before Kayneth could come up with a good come back, a certain someone said the following.

"Who dares call himself a king, in the presence of the true king?" All heads turned to the source of the voice to find a man in golden armour standing on top of a crane, arrogantly looking down on them all with his condescending red eyes.

"Why should a king not declare himself as such?" Alexander the Great retorted.

"Mongrel, this world needs but one king," Archer said.

"Oh! And who made you the king, uh..."

"You are not worthy to know my-"

"Archer!" Rider finished.

"How dare you!"

"How dare you interrupt me you-you oriental!" Kayneth said.

Archer rolled his eyes and the very first anvil on Earth fell on Kayneth's head knocking him down to the ground, "Know your place, mongrel."

"You!" Saber pointed at Archer.

"Oh, does the little mongrel recognize her king?"

"You-You-"

"YOU ARE GILGAMESH, THE OVERPOWERED KING OF JERKS!" Sir Bors completed for Saber and everyone stared at Bors, "I need not apologize for it is the truth."

"You-you Mongrel!" Gilgamesh cursed.

"Seriously, is that the only cuss they taught you, King Goldey?" Sir Kay asked.

"No... I also know scoundrel and... dog and... faker-" Just then Gilgamesh had to put up a shield as an arrow hit it.

"NO ONE CALLS SIR EMIYA A FAKER!" Tristan said from somewhere in the background.

Gilgamesh glowered a bit, but a smirk found its way on his lips, "Faker!" An arrow crashed into his shield, "Faker!" it happened again, "Faker! Faker! Faker! Faker! Faker! Faker! Faker! Faker! Faker!" Every time he said it one of his shields would came up to block an arrow from a different angle, "Faker! Faker! Faker! Faker! Faker! Faker!"

"STOP IT!" Arturia ordered and everyone was still.

"Faker!" Gilgamesh said and blocked an arrow with his shield.

"Seriously? Can you two get anymore juvenile?" Arturia chastised them.

"YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE HEARTS OF THE MEN!" Tristan retorted from the far off background.

Saber face-palmed.

"Hahaha! So you are the fabled Knights of the Round? How amusing!" Gilgamesh remarked, "And you little girl must be the King. I do commend you for your attack against Lancer but I have a complaint against you."

"Oh, what is it?" Arturia asked nonchalantly.

"You used a fake lion, you see this is what a lion looks like," Gilgamesh said, **"Come forth! Simba!"**

A golden ripple appeared behind Gilgamesh, and out came a lion, majestic, fierce, and more Asiatic than African.

" **ROAR!"** Simba roared.

"Hey Rider," Waver said, "Why is that lion looking at us?"

"Oh! It is Simba's hunting time and guess what his favourite food is?" Gilgamesh asked with a smirk.

"RUN MOMO! RUN!" Iskander ordered.

" **MOOO! MOOO!"** Mo and Mo mooed before galloping for their lives.

" **ROAR!"** Simba leapt to the ground and chased behind Rider's chariot all around the docks, much to the shock and amusement of the bystanders.

Just as Kayneth recovered from the earlier blow and stood up, MoMo ran over him followed by Simba.

"FASTER! FASTER!" Iskander cried out, the chariot ran faster but so did the lion.

"IT'S NO GOOD! THAT FELINE IS DARN FAST! IT'S GOING TO EAT US!" Waver cried, "I think I am-" Waver made puking motions but nothing came out, "Thank God, everything came out the first time around."

"Waver brace yourself!" Rider said.

"Huh?" Before Waver could brace himself, Rider pulled him and jumped off the chariot and latched onto a lamp post, letting Simba chase MoMo.

"YOU IDIOT! YOU LET THE LION GO AFTER MOMO!" Waver chastised Rider.

"Do not worry, my steed has a plan," Rider reassured Waver.

At the time when Rider and Archer had been arguing, another chase sequence was taking place.

"OW! OW! OW!" Lancer cried as Saber Lion bit Lancer's shoulder, Lancer poked Saber Lion's eyes with his fingers.

" **GAO!"** Saber Lion cried out, rubbing her eyes before turning to a fleeing Lancer, **"GAO!"** She continued her chase with more fury than ever.

"WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?" Diarmuid cried out to the heavens, cutting a corner. But as soon as he cut a corner he was pulled into a cargo container by a mysterious person.

" **GAO!"** Saber Lion took the same turn but found no one, **"Gao?"** She sniffed a bit, trying to find Lancer but found no one. After some time she left the place.

After she left, Lancer came out of the container, looking left and right for any sign of Saber's beast but sighed upon finding none. Lancer turned back to his saviours to find a tall knight with dark mysterious aura and a sickly one-eyed man with spiky white hair.

Lancer knelt before them, "I owe you my life ummm-"

" **Berserker!"** Berserker said.

"Kariya," Kariya said.

"Of course, Ser Berserker and Mister Kariya, I, Lancer, am very grateful to you both," Lancer thanked them.

"Don't thank me, 'cough' I could care less about who or what ate you, Berserker is the one who saved you for some stupid reason," Kariya said, coughing at the end of the sentence.

" **Berserker! Berserker! Berserker! Berserker!"** Lancelot said but meant, 'No knight deserves to be eaten alive!'

"That sounded profound, too bad you know just one word," Kariya remarked.

"Well said Berserker, I look forward to our duel," Lancer said.

" **Berserker!"** Lancelot nodded.

"Woah! You understood what he said?" Kariya asked Lancer.

"It sounded rather profound," Lancer shrugged before walking away, just then they saw a lion chasing two oxes, who were running a chariot.

"What the?" Kariya cursed.

The chariot passed by Lancer, **"MOOO!"** The oxen mooed in what sounded like, **'** It's on to you Mr. Boar!' Before vanishing into the wind.

"I am not a boar! Or a pig! Or-" Lancer's outrage was interrupted by a growl he turned around to find Simba looking at him with hungry eyes. Without another word, Lancer ran for his life with Simba behind.

"AAAAAAAAA! WHY IS EVERYTHING TRYING TO EAT ME?" Lancer cried out.

Lancelot and Kariya stared blankly as Simba and Diarmuid disappeared from view.

"Alright then, it's time to embarrass Tokiomi's servant," Kariya said.

" **Berserker!"** Berserker agreed.

At the main battle ground, seeing the chase sequence between Simba and MoMo, while Waver managed to keep it in, the Assassins could not.

"Ugh!" Assassin puked for the second time, "If this keeps up we won't be able to look at non-veg ever again."

" _My, you are rather sensitive to heavy violence for an Assassin, aren't you?"_ Kirei mocked.

"And you are absolutely heartless for a priest!" Hassan retorted, "Alright everyone, enough is enough. Now we strike, before anyone or anything else gets eaten alive!"

"Scum! You dare try to stand on the same station as I?" Gilgamesh asked Iskander who was hanging by the lamp post.

"Oh, he learnt a new cuss," Sir Kay mocked Gilgamesh who growled in response.

"You do realize he can throw thousands of Noble Phantasms at you within a blink of an eye?" Arturia asked Kay.

"Don't worry, I have your back," Kay reassured Arturia who rolled her eyes in response.

Meanwhile, lying on the ground, Kayneth Archibald had had enough, "They are all ignoring me? They are looking down on me? Lord El-Melloi of the Clock Tower?" He pulled out a vial containing mercury, "I will show them! Once I unleash my Mystic Code even the servants will cower before me," Kayneth boasted to himself and was about to open the cork... when a black figure with white mask performed air assassination... on Kayneth's left buttock.

"MMMPHHMPPHMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUMMMAAAAMMMAAAA!" Kayneth whimpered making all sorts of weird pained noises.

" _Al Tair, you have the wrong side,"_ Hassan told the one who attacked Kayneth, telepathically.

" _Rodger!"_ Al Tair acknowledged before stabbing the other buttock as well.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Kayneth's screams were heard throughout Fuyuki City, such was his pain that he screamed even after his throat went hoarse.

"Ugh!" Hassan face palmed, he would puke but there is only so many times one can do so, "The rest of you don't just stand still, attack!"

Daggers went flying all over the place at everyone forcing everyone into action. One dagger was about to hit Arturia but was blocked by Bedivere.

"Kay, weren't you suppose to have her majesty's back!" Bedivere chastised Kay.

"Well I am behind her!" Kay retorted, standing a few meters back, while blocking another dagger.

Soon Assassins started pouring out of the shadows, attacking the group in a hit and run pattern.

"By God! They are everywhere!" Kay complained, "What do we do?"

Then suddenly, EMIYA's theme song started playing, causing everyone to pause.

"Okay, which one of you started Archer's theme song?" Saber asked blocking two Assassins at once.

"That's not my theme," Archer said, standing coolly on the crane as daggers hit his shields without harming him.

"Not you Archer, the other Archer!" Saber said ducking under a strike.

"What other Archer?"

"FOR SIR EMIYA!" Tristan cried out before firing a volley of arrows at the Assassins forcing them into defensive.

Meanwhile Kiritsugu was being attacked by several Assassins at once, while Maiya was unconscious due to the shock of Lancer's 'death'. He dodged all the attacks by using Time Alter while carrying Maiya on one shoulder and firing a few rounds at the Assassins who dodged all the bullets with unbelievable expertise, 'So much for Indiana Jones,' Kiritsugu thought wryly. Soon this game of cat and mouse came to pause when the Assassins managed to corner Kiritsugu against a cargo container, surrounding him from all sides.

Low on mana, out of breath and carrying an unconscious woman he sorta loved only one thought came to his mind, "So this is it. This how it ends, my quest for world peace," he said to himself pointing his sub-machine gun at the Assassins charging at him.

Just as he fired, the bullets ran out as the assassins got closer and closer, Kiritsugu closed his eyes, 'Iris, Illya, Maiya, Shirley, Natalia, I am sorry.'

And just as they got close enough...

" **Lord Camelot!"** A huge cross shaped shield appeared out of nowhere.

"What the-" The Assassins crashed into the shield and broke their noses despite their bone masks.

Kiritsugu opened his eyes to find Galahad standing in front of him, holding out his huge shield which projected an even bigger shield, while Assassins laid on the floor holding their noses.

"Thou shall not kill," Galahad said before turning to Kiritsugu, "Master Emiya, are you alright?"

"Yeah," Kiritsugu nodded unaware of a danger above.

"Heh! For now..." Zayn whispered to himself, about to perform an air assassination, but a huge shadow fell on him and slammed his head into and through the cargo container, "Umph!"

"Not on my watch, Assassin!" Agravain said.

Zayn pulled his head out and angrily said "Templar!"

"Huh?" Before Agravain could ask anything else he had to defend against Zayn and the two got into a sparring session.

At the lamp post, Iskander successfully defended daggers from the Assassins with a sparkling sword while holding a whimpering Waver who was screaming, "We're doomed, doomed, doomed I say!"

"Quiet boy! We are not doomed for I have yet to conquer the world!" Iskander said as he blocked another dagger but then his footing staggered, he looked down to find a Big Assassin plummeting the lamp post, "We're doomed." Rider said as the lamp post fell.

"WAAA!" They screamed as they fell towards a group of Assassins waiting to skewer them with their daggers. And just as they got close, the Assassins were crushed by a chariot run by two oxes.

" **MOOO! MOOO!"** Mo and Mo greeted Rider and Waver as they fell into the chariot.

"It is good to see you as well MoMo!" Rider greeted back, "Now let us attack!" Rider said as they crashed into several Assassins sending them flying.

Back with Saber's group, Assassins were sent flying around by the combined might of Tristan's volley, Saber, Mordred, Bors, Percival and Bedivere's swordplay... and Kay's wisecrack comments.

However, one of the Assassins broke though their guard and was heading in Irisviel's direction.

"Lady Irisviel!" Arturia shouted, her way blocked by an Assassin.

"Don't worry, I am going for the wisecrack," The Assassin said heading for Sir Kay who was standing in front of Irisviel's unconscious form and had his hands full with two Assassins.

"Oh, isn't that reassuring," Kay rolled his eyes, trying to force the two Assassins away while the third was heading towards him, but just then there was a blinding flash of light.

"Ah!"

"OW!

"Ouch!"

Three voices cried out.

"Sunny boy, could you at least warn us before making an appearance like that?" Sir Kay asked rubbing his eyes.

"You're welcome," said Gwain while two Assassins tried to attack him from behind, but Gareth and Gaheris pounced on them knocking them out.

"Yeah, who's Gwain's favourite brother?" Gareth asked.

"I am!" answered Gaheris.

"No, I am!" Gareth said.

"No I am!" Gaheris said and the two brothers got into another fight.

"Oh boy!" Gwain sighed.

Back with Kayneth, the once proud Lord El-Melloi was in a world of pain, his arse skewered by several daggers, "Pleeaaasee kill me..." Kayneth begged in hoarse voice. Al Tair, pulled out a dagger and put it at Kayneth's throat, "Relief..." Kayneth closed his eyes, but just as Al Tair was about to end Kayneth's life.

"MASTER!" Lancer performed a flying kick on Al Tair, sending him tumbling into a cargo container, Lancer knelt before Kayneth, who was covered in vomit and bull shit and had daggers in his ass, and asked, "Master, are you alright?"

"Mmph!" Kayneth smiled and gave Lancer a thumbs up.

"Just wait for me Master, I will be back in a moment," Lancer reassured

"Take your time," Kayneth said sarcastically.

Just as Al Tair got up, he found himself facing Lancer, wielding both his spears and ready to skewer him.

"Assassin, brace yourself!" Lancer said before dashing at Assassin who managed to roll away from the first strike but was struck by a second, soon they were caught in a long spar, much to Kayneth's dismay.

From the crane, Archer was getting bored from Assassins' pathetic attempts at his life.

"Are you done yet? Mongrel?" Gilgamesh asked Assassin.

"No!" Just then Big Assassin slammed into the crane causing it to tumble.

"Argh!" Gilgamesh frowned, jumping off the crane and onto a nearby cargo container, but as soon as he land, four Assassins appeared out of the shadows and dashed at Gilgamesh. Gilgamesh fired four swords at each, forcing them to back off from him. But the four Assassins were joined by more, and soon almost all the Assassins had gathered around Archer.

"Ooh! It seems the mongrels have surrounded me," Archer said as hundreds of golden ripples appeared behind him.

"We will not forgive you for what you did to Zayd," Hassan said as all the Assassins drew their daggers.

Back in the church, Kirei was enjoying the fight when he got a call from Tokiomi by the old telephone, _"Kirei, what's happening?"_

" _It seems Assassin and Archer are getting along,"_ Kirei replied.

" _Was that sarcasm?"_

" _Take a guess."_

Back at the docks, all eyes were on Archer and Assassins who were throwing sharp objects at each other at rapid pace.

"GET'EM ASSASSIN!" Tristan cheered.

"KICK GOLDEY'S ARSE!" Kay added.

"Pffff... I could go on forever," Archer mocked, firing sword after sword at the Assassins.

"Yeah? So can we," the Assassins said throwing dagger after dagger at the swords.

"You will run out eventually," Archer reminded them.

"Oh yeah, well air assassination," Hassan said.

"What?" Gilgamesh asked, he was answered by noise of a soaring eagle... at night... Gilgamesh looked up to find a bandaged Zayd flying down with a hidden blade pointed at him.

"REVENGE!" Zayd screamed as he descended towards Gilgamesh...

"MONGREL!" Gilgamesh fired several swords at Zayd but the Assassin dodged them all with acrobatic expertise.

"DIE!" Zayd cried out striking at Gilgamesh's face... only to crash into a shield, just as Zayd got up he found himself facing Gilgamesh, holding a branching sword.

"I am so going to enjoy this... Mongrel," Gilgamesh said as he brought his sword down... only to be kicked aside, "Urgh! Who did that?" Everyone turned to find a knight covered in darkness with glowing red eyes.

" **Berserker!"** Berserker said, and everyone stared at Berserker, quite surprised to see a talking Berserker, **"Berserker!"** Lancelot said again.

"We are the Assassins," said the Assassins.

"I AM ISKANDER THE KING OF CONQUERERS! RIDER FOR THIS WAR!"

"I am Saber," said Arturia, "And you look familiar."

"You are not worthy to know my name," said Gilgamesh.

"Guys... That's all he can say," Lancer said.

"Ha! So much for a talking mongrel!" Gilgamesh mocked, to which Berserker replied with the finger, "How dare you?" Gilgamesh fired a few swords, which Berserker dodged easily, Gilgamesh fired many, of which Berserker grabbed two and blocked the rest, ""How dare you touch my treasures!" Gilgamesh fired a hundred but Berserker blocked them all and even threw the last few right back at the King of Uruk which were blocked by a shield, all except the last one which nicked his left cheek, "Why you..." Gilgamesh prepared to fire a thousand of Noble Phantasms but was interrupted by a command seal from Tokiomi.

" _STOP THIS KIDDISH FIGHT!"_ Tokiomi commanded telepathically.

"You dare command me!"

" _Please..."_

"Tsch, fine, I will continue this game some other time," Gilgamesh conceded, "Till then, you all better brace yourself." Gilgamesh smirked before de-materializing into golden glitter.

"We better leave too," Kayneth croaked out.

"The next time we meet I hope to clear this misunderstanding!" Lancer said as he lifted Kayneth, "Till then, fare thee well," he said before dashing away with Kayneth in his arms.

The Assassins started collecting their daggers from the docks while the knights stared at them, "What? Everyone does not have unlimited blades to throw around," Assassin shrugged.

Saber lifted Irisviel and said, "Alright we-"

" **Berserker!"** Berserker charged at Arturia.

"All knights! Guard the king!" Bedivere ordered and all the knights gathered around Arturia.

"Fur Blancfleur!" Percival attacked Berserker only to be smacked aside.

Agravain charged next, "Meet my fists of-" Only to be sent flying.

"Brother!" Gareth and Gaheris charged next, "WAAA!" Only to be sent flying into Agravain.

"Gareth! Gaheris!" Gwain cried out, "You fiend!" Gwain filled the docks with the most intense light possible forcing everyone to put on a pair of glasses.

" **Berserker!"** Berserker's dark aura swallowed the light.

"The- darkness- it's too powerful!" Gwain said before falling on his knees.

"Gwain!" Tristan cried out firing a volley of arrows.

" **Berserker!"** Berserker grabbed each arrow and fired it back at Tristan.

"Oh shit!" Tristan was pinned to the wall by his own arrows, one of them striking too close to his precious.

"You think you're tough! I'll show you tough!" Mordred charged only to be struck on her head and down to the ground by Berserker, "Papaaa..." She moaned.

As Beserker got closer Galahad blocked his way with, **"Lord Camelot!"** Berserker stopped in his tracks looking at Galahad.

"In the Name of the Father, Thou shall not Pass!" Galahad said.

" **Berserker!"**

"What?"

Berserker brought out a cardboard and scribbled something before showing it to Galahad, it read, 'I AM YOU FATHER!' in neon letters.

"NOOOOO!" Galahad fell on his knees.

"That's Lancelot?" Kay asked, "No wonder everyone's getting their arses handed to themselves."

"But why is he attacking us?" Bedivere wondered.

"He might still be mad about Guinevere," Bors guessed.

"Sir Bedivere! Guard Lady Irisviel," Arturia ordered before handing Iris over to Bedivere and charging at Lancelot.

"Wait!" Bedivere said but Saber was already exchanging blades with Berserker.

"Sir Lancelot!" Arturia said said blocking a blow from the sword that Berserker had borrowed from Gilgamesh.

" **Berserker!"**

"Berserker!"

" **Berserker?"** Berserker said in a tone that meant, 'Seriously?'

"Why are you attacking us?"

" **Berserker! Berserker!" '** It's because you didn't invite me to Carnival Phantasm.'

"Is it because of Guinevere?"

" **Berserker! Berserker! Berserker!"** 'No! It's because I thought we were best buds. But apparently I was wrong.'

"I am truly sorry for what happened with Guinevere," Arturia apologized, ducking under a swipe, "But you can't just fornicate with other people's wives."

" **BEEERSEEEERKEEEEER!"** Berserker roared pushing Saber off himself, 'YOU AREN'T GETTING ANYTHING THAT I AM SAYING!' Berserker pulled out his sword, the Arondight, forcing his helmet to come off, revealing his long wavy purple hair.

Saber frowned, charging her Excalibur with mana.

"ALRIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH FROM YOU MAD DOG!" Rider said charging at Berserker.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Waver cried out.

"We won't let you interfere with our saviour! Master Berserker!" The Assassins blocked Rider's way.

"OUTTA THE WAY!" Rider crashed into the Assassins, sending them flying over the city.

" **Ber-"**

" **Ex-"**

" **MOOOOOOOO!"** MoMo cried out, crashing into Berserker, sending him flying into a pile of crates.

"Is it over?" Waver huffed out, holding his chest.

Berserker got up, pulling fish out of his hair and armour before putting on his helmet, **"Berserker"** Berserker said in a tone that meant, 'I will remember this, Rider,' Before dissipating into black mist.

"Thank God!" Waver sighed in relief, before frowning and grabbing Iskander by the collar, "YOU IDIOT! WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU RESCUE SABER? YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST LET ONE OF THEM TAKE THE OTHER OUT!"

Iskander whacked Waver's hands off, "YOU FOOL! IF I DID THAT THEN I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO NEGOTIATE WITH BERSERKER OR SABER!"

"Negotiate? About what?" Saber asked.

"I, ISKANDER, THE KING OF CONQUERERS, OFFER YOU THE CHANCE TO JOIN ME-"

"No."

"WHAT?"

"As grateful as I am, I cannot join your pursuit for world conquest as I have my own pursuits to follow," Saber explained.

"Hmmm... that is quite a dilemma," Rider scratched his beard in thought, "Even then I would like you to consider."

"I may," Saber nodded, "And thank you Rider, for helping me back then," Saber said.

"Think nothing of it, King of England, I look forward to the next time we meet," Rider said before flying off with Waver in his chariot.

"Oh my! That was rather interesting," Merlin said, rubbing his chin like the mysterious manipulative Dumbledore-type wizard he was.

"And where have you been wizard?" Kay asked, "We could really have used your mumbo-jumbo, especially against Lancelot."

"Oh! But a wizard rarely fights on the front lines."

"You mean never..."

"Enough gibbering!" Saber ordered, "Let us just fetch Kiritsugu and Maiya and leave."

"In that car?" Mordred asked.

"Yes, in that car," Arturia affirmed.

"Ugh..." Everyone groaned.

After grabbing Kiritsugu and Maiya, the team was driving on an empty road at the side of a cliff. The Knights had de-materialized once again, with only Saber driving the car while Kiritsugu sat in the back seat with his wife and lover.

"Ugh..." Kiritsugu groaned, usage of Time Alter and Saber's Knights of the Round Table taking a toll on his mana reserves.

"You really did a number on yourself with that spell," Merlin remarked regarding the Time Alter, "That spell plays with your heartbeat to influence the flow of time. It is not good for your heart."

"It must be done, for word peace..." Kirirtsugu said, weakly making the peace sign with his fingers.

'Wow! Master Emiya is more like Arturia than expected!' Merlin thought to himself, 'Hopefully, he doesn't end up the same way as her... Curses! I just had to jinx it, didn't I?'

"Here, this will help," Saber passed Kiritsugu a tiffin box. Kiritsugu accepted it and stared eating, as soon as he took the first bite.

"DELICIOUS!" Kiritsugu gobbled the whole tiffin down, his mana replenished once again, "Hmmm... This is quite handy, is it charmed?"

"No-" Saber tried answering but was interrupted by Tristan.

"YES! IT IS CHARMED WITH THE POWER OF LOVE! AND SIR EMIYA! BUT MOSTLY LOVE!"

'Interesting... it's another Noble Phantasm called Shirou's tiffin,' Kiritsugu noted, "Who is this Shirou person?"

"He is- He is-" Saber stuttered turning red with embarrassment.

"Caster!" Mordred said.

"No, he is not Caster..." Saber said before looking forward to find Caster standing in middle of the road. The car stopped immediately.

"Why did you stop? You should have just rammed into him, for world peace!" Kiritsugu chastised.

"I didn't..." Saber replied, and the doors opened automatically, Saber got out of the car followed by Kiritsugu.

Caster bowed to Saber in a gentlemanly fashion smiling the kindest smile possible, "Greetings my precious..."

"Ummm... who are you again?" Saber asked.

"Don't you recall me, Jeanne? It is I! Giles de Rais, your devout lover," Giles said.

"Pardon me, but Ruler is not part of this game," Saber clarified.

"Jeanne, surely you are jesting!"

"I am not Jeanne, I am King Arturia Pendragon of Camelot," Arturia asserted.

After this Giles went quiet, gaping like a fish at Arturia who showed no signs of familiarity, and then, he turned to the skies, "CURSED HEAVENS! EVEN AFTER RELEASING HER FROM THE ETERNAL TORMENT YOU CONTINUE TO TORMENT MY BEAUTIFUL VIRGIN!" Caster cursed the heavens before turning to Arturia with desperate eyes, "JEANNE! PLEASE REMEMBER! YOU ARE JEANNE D' ARC MY PRECIOUS VIRGIN KNIGHT WHO FOUGHT FOR THE GLORY OF FRANCE! NOT THAT FOOLISH KING OF ENGLAND!"

"Alright then! Explain us!" The Knights of the Round Table made themselves known.

"CURSES!" Caster pointed at Merlin, "IT IS JEANNE'S DRUNKARD FATHER!" Then at the knights, "HER ANGRY BROTHERS! AND THE ABUSIVE UGLY MOTHER!"

"Ha! Who's the abusive ugly mother?" Mordred laughed, in reply everyone stared at her, "HEY!"

"Oh! Why must the fate be so cruel to my beloved Jeanne?" Giles rued.

"Alright fish eyes, look here she is not Joan d' Arc, because first off she is definitely not a virgin," Mordred said, "OW!"

"You don't have to announce it!" Saber scolded.

"And neither am I," Percival added.

"YOU LIE! JEANNE GAVE UP ALL THE JOYS OF LIFE FOR THE VOICE IN HER HEAD, THE CRUEL GOD THAT BURNT HER!" Caster ranted, "YOU!" Caster pointed at Merlin, "YOU HAVE PERFORMED A WITCHCRAFT ON HER! FOR THIS I SHALL FEED YOU TO THE DEMONS OF THE DEEPEST LAYERS OF HELLS!" Caster opened the leather-bound book, and started chanting, "Abra cadabra! Shakalaka boom boom! Gili gili gili choo!"

"The Devil! Is that human skin?" Agravain asked pointing at the book in Caster's hands, "He's not human just like the king!"

Everyone face palmed.

"Brother. Seriously? Right now?" Gwain reproached Agravain.

"That book!" Kiritsugu said, "It's Prelati's Spellbook, we must not let him complete his summoning! Otherwise he will unleash Horrors upon us!"

"What sort of horrors?" Gareth asked.

"Horrors!"

"Yes, what sort of horrors?" Gaheris asked.

"No, not horror horrors, Horror- Will someone just stop him? For world peace!"

Galahad stepped forward, "In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, I beseech thee, begone!"

"NO!" Caster said as he fell on his butt.

"Begone!"

"NO!" Caster crept back a few meters.

"Begone!"

"NOO!" Caster was crept to the edge of the cliff.

"Just get lost already!" Kay said and Caster fell from the cliff.

"NOOOOOOO!" All the knights rushed to the edge to see Caster's body, but found no sign of him.

"Is this the last of him?" Bedivere asked.

"It is never the last of such villains," Merlin said.

"By God, this has been one looong knight!" Said Bors.

"There was a pun at the end, wasn't there?" Saber asked.

"Yes!"

"I thought so..."

 **A/N: Yup, that was one long knight, but it won't be the longest. Now I'm not sure if the Knights of the Round would actually be fans of Emiya but I'm going ahead with that. Also Caster's opinion of Joan's family are based on his lunacy not historical accuracy, so if any French guys are reading this please don't sue. Also feedback on how to make this story funnier or where I should tone down is highly appreciated. Thanks a lot guys, see you next time.**


	4. Sakura's Dark Knight

**A/N: Hey guys, been a while. A lot of stuff happened that kept me from writing but I'm back with another chapter. Enjoy.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fate Zero, Fate Stay Night, Carnival Phantasm or any other Fate franchise, they are property of TYPE MOON. I also don't own any fictional works referred here.**

 **Sakura's Dark Knight**

" **Berserker, Berserker, Berserker, Berserker, Berserker. Berserker,"** Berserker talked on the phone,

"Berserker, who are you talking to?" Kariya asked.

" **Berserker."**

"Just put the phone down before someone gets you arrested for prank calling," Kariya

Berserker put the phone down, just then the doorbell rang.

"Who could that be?"

" **Berserker,"** Berserker said before rushing to the door.

"Oh God! Berserker stop!" Kariya ordered but Berserker had already reached the door. Kariya limped as fast as possible to stop Berserker, only to find him talking to an albino boy with red eyes standing outside. The boy wore clothes with Kaleidoburgers written on them.

"Sir, here's your order of six burgers," The deliveryboy said.

" **Berserker,"** Berserker said, taking the burgers.

"Did you order more burgers?" The deliveryboy asked.

"No he means he is glad you reached on time," Kariya said, "Say, do you have a teleporting machine or something?" Kariya asked.

"Nope."

"Okay, so how much do I owe you?"

"Six hundred Yens please!"

"'Cough! Cough!' that's a bit too much, don't you think?" Kariya asked.

"It's for our delivery service," The boy replied.

"Okay... Here you go!"

"Thank you sir! Have a good day," The boy said before placing two fingers on his forehead and disappearing.

"Hmm... I guess even mages need jobs," Kariya shrugged.

And so Berserker and Kariya went to the dining hall.

"Sakura! Sakura!" Kariya called out. A little girl with short purple hair and purple eyes came to the dining table, "Sakura look, Uncle Berserker got some burgers today, you want some?"

Sakura nodded meekly before taking a seat and grabbing a burger.

"Damn these burgers are worth their price! I'm glad that Zouken and all are out today so I don't have to share these with them!"

" **Berserker,"** Berserker nodded in agreement.

"I wish they never returned at all!"

" **Berserker!"**

"Just thinking about them makes my blood boil!"

" **Berserker!"**

"Only Tokiomi is a bigger bastard than my father!"

" **Berserker!"**

"Did you ever have to deal with assholes like them in your life?"

" **Berserker Berserker!"** Berserker replied 'Oh! Did I!' Thinking of all the shitty people in his life, especially Agravain.

"Damn I wish you could talk..."

" **Berserker Berserker Berserker..." '** Then summon with Mad Eye Enhancement you should not have...'

Sakura put down her half-eaten burger, "Thanks for the meal."

"Hey Sakura-chan, are you sure you don't want to finish your burgers?"

"I'm not feeling hungry," she replied before leaving the table.

Kariya sighed in frustration, "You know what Berserker, I don't feel all that hungry either," Kariya said before leaving the table.

" **Berserker?"** Lancelot pondered over what was bothering the two.

Right after the breakfast, Sakura was walking back to her room when suddenly a shadow appeared behind her.

"Ah!" Sakura gasped in fright before turning around only to find Lancelot standing behind her. Sakura blinked twice before turning back to her room but found Lancelot blocking the door.

" **Berserker!"** Lancelot bent down and stretched Sakura's little lips into a smile, but as soon as he left them her smile disappeared, **"** **Berserker..."** Berserker frowned trying to think of a way to make the little girl smile.

" **Berserker!"** Berserker bent down and tried tickling the girl but to no avail, **"Berserker..."** Lancelot stopped, trying to think of a new strategy.

" **Berserker!"** Lancelot lit up as he thought of an idea, **"Berserker,"** Berserker waved at himself as if to say, 'Now you see me," And with that said, **"Berserker!"** He disappeared for ten seconds before reappearing at the same spot, **"Berserker!"**

Sakura did not react.

" **Berserker..."** Berserker scratched his head, or rather helmet, in thought.

Thinking Berserker was out of ideas Sakura tried to make her way to her room but Berserker stopped her.

" **Berserker!"** Berserker asked Sakura to wait a moment, before placing his hands on his helmet, he tried to take it off but he seemed to be struggling, " **Berserker..."** He growled, seemingly trying his hardest to remove the helmet as little Sakura watched curiously, **"BERSERKER!"** With one final pull the helmet was off but lo... no head.

"AH!" Sakura screamed in fright.

Everything went quiet for a moment or two and then Lancelot's head popped out of the neck of his armour, **"Berserker!"** Lancelot said like a magician.

Sakura blinked twice before her lips curled up into a smile and then she broke into a fit of laughter, "Hahahaha! Silly Berserker!"

" **Ber! Ber! Ber!"** Berserker laughed along.

Around the corner, Kariya smiled as he witnessed Sakura smile in for the first time since she entered Matou manor, 'Damn Berserker! Didn't know you were a comedian too. I guess I owe you one.'

"My what is this?" A creepy voice spoke, Sakura and Lancelot turned to find Zouken smiling every bit like a paedophile, "A child's laughter in Matou mansion? Oh! How innocent!"

Sakura whimpered hiding behind Lancelot who was scowling at the Matou head.

"Now now... there is no need to be shy, I only wish to play a little game with you Sakura-chan," Zouken grinned maliciously walking towards Sakura.

"Rargh!" Kariya growled before quickly limping between Zouken and Sakura, "Keep your dirty old hands off Sakura-chan you old vampire!"

"Oh... and what will you do about it?" Zouken asked with an evil grin.

"Agh!" Before Kariya could reply he collapsed due to an immense pain in his head.

"Ah!" Sakura cried out rushing to Kariya.

 **"Berserker!"** Berserker rushed to his master's side at once.

"That's right Kariya! You can do nothing! Your worthless life is in my hands. Now Sakura-chan, I suggest you come with me quietly else..."

"Argh!" Kariya screamed as the veins in his head throbbed violently.

Sakura nodded meekly before walking to Zouken.

"Good girl!" Zouken gave a grandfatherly smile, before taking Sakura to the basement.

" **Berserker?"** Berserker asked Kariya.

"I'm fine. That was extremely stupid. But seeing Sakura-chan smile after so long I just couldn't stop myself. She is the reason I returned to fight this stupid war. All I want is for Sakura-chan to be free from this hell and smile once again," Kariya ranted angrily, "Oh Aoi-chan... why'd you let that bastard Tokiomi give Sakura to this monster?"

" **Berserker..."** Berserker muttered to himself, turning to the staircase. He narrowed his eyes in determination before putting on his helmet and going to the basement.

When Berserker arrived at the basement, he found Zouken holding Sakura up in the air giving her a good look of the swarm of magic worms down below, jumping eagerly at feeling Sakura's mana.

"Look Sakura! Your friends are waiting to play with you, say hello to them! Hahaha!" Zouken cackled madly and threw a terrified Sakura into the pit of worms.

" **Berserker!"** Berserker cried out before catching Sakura mid air.

"What?" Zouken was taken aback by Berserker's sudden appearance.

" **Berserker..."** Berserker reassure Sakura before he felt something slimy at his feet, he looked down to see a swarm of magic worms crawling up his armour, **"BERSERKER! BERSERKER! BERSERKER!"** Berserker cried out like a baby killing stomping and killing as many worms as he could while keeping Sakura up in the air.

"What do you think you are doing? Stop killing my beautiful worms!" Zouken ordered Berserker but the knight would hear none of it.

" **BERSERKER! BERSERKER!"** Berserker screamed in fright stomping on as many worms as possible.

"KARIYA! KARIYA! COME THIS INSTANCE AND STOP YOUR MAD DOG!" Zouken called Kariya.

Kariya limped downstairs and was shocked to find Lancelot screaming in fright and stomping on Zouken's evil worms.

"KARIYA! DO YOU HEAR ME? STOP YOUR MAD DOG OR ELSE-"

"Or else what?" Kariya said with a smirk, "I don't care if I get killed anymore, so long as Berserker gets all the worms."

"Grrr..." Zouken growled but then his lips curled into a smirk, "Oh! And I suppose you don't care what happens to dear Sakura-chan either?"

"What?"

"That's right! She's also got some worms in her, how else do you think I changed her hair and eyes?"

"You monster!"

"Oh you flatter me so much..."

"Grrr...Fine," Kariya said before turning to Berserker, "Berserker stop it!" But Berserker wouldn't, Kariya limped down the steps and waded through the swarm of worms to reach Bererker and held him, "Berserker calm down! You can't kill all the worms just by stomping."

" **Berserker..."** Berserker said in a tone that meant, 'That's right...' before giving Sakura to Kariya and running out of the basement.

"You okay Sakura-chan?" Kariya asked and Sakura nodded.

"See Kariya, it's not so difficult. All you have to do is obey me and no one gets hurt," Zouken smirked, "And to drive that point home, today you both will receive the lesson of your lifetime," the Matou head declared as the worms swarmed near Kariya and Sakura ominously.

"You sick old vampire!" Kariya growled.

"Now now Kariya, don't give me that face... You brought this upon yourself.." Zouken grinned at Kariya who held a whimpering Sakura tightly as the worms surrounded them. There was no escape.

" **BERSERKER!"** 'NOT ON MY WATCH!' Before Berserker arrived with an upgraded pesticide sprayer, that looked like a huge flame thrower, **"BERRSERKERRRR!"** 'DIE YOU WORMSSS!' sprayed the pesticide all over the basement.

"Keeeeeee!" The worms screeched in pain as the pesticide literally ate them like acid but did not harm Kariya and Sakura. Within seconds all the worms were dead.

Zouken didn't take that very well, "You-YOU SCOUNDREL!" Zouken turned into a swarm of worms and attacked Berserker.

" **BERSERKER!"** 'DIE!' Berserker screamed before spraying the deadly pesticide over Zouken.

"NOOOOOO! THIS CAN'T BEEEEEEE!" Zouken screamed before dissolving into nothingness.

" **Berserker..."** 'Good riddance...'

Sakura and Kariya looked in awe at the knight who had defeated Zouken, using a pesticide sprayer of all things, and freed them in the process. Then they noticed their bodies glowing.

"Uncle Kariya! Look you're changing!"

"You too Sakura!"

Since the magic worms inside their bodies were destroyed by Berserker's pesticide their bodies started returning to normal. Sakura's hair turned black and eyes sparkling blue. Kariya's hair also turned black, his blind eye and limp were healed, his body returning to its former health.

"Ummm... Does this mean we're free now?"

"Who said you're free you brat?" A man with purple sea weed like hair asked from the entrance of the basement.

"Byakuya? What're you doing back so early?" Kariya asked.

"No one asked you Kariya! Tell me girl just what's going on here?"

"Berserker!" Kariya ordered.

"Berserker?" Byakuya asked in confusion.

" **Berserker!"** Berserker sucker-punched Byakuya sending him tumbling down the stairs.

"AA! OW! AH! OO! EE! AYE! O! OOF! OUCH! UMPH!" Byakuya cried out as he tumbled down each step till he hit the ground, his head embedded into the floor and then he went completely still.

"Yes Sakura-chan, you are free now," Kariya beamed at Sakura, who hugged Kariya tightly and cried into his hoodie, "Hey what's the matter? Something wrong?"

"I'm just so happy," Sakura replied with a smile even as the tears flowed, "I don't have to come down here anymore and you don't have to fight anymore," Sakura's smile wavered upon seeing Kariya grimace, "You don't have to, right?"

"I'm sorry Sakura-chan but I still gotta fight."

"But why?"

"It's your dad, that bastard left you with Zouken of all people, I have to teach him a lesson make him apologize to you and reunite you with your mother and sister."

Sakura puffed her face in anger, "I don't want to go back to them. They don't love me."

Kariya resisted the urge to chuckle seeing Sakura's cute outrage, "Oh Sakura-chan, your mom and sister love you very much. I'm sure they would never allow Tokiomi to send you here if they could."

"But how will you fight? All the worms are dead, you can't use bug magic anymore."

"Crap baskets!" Kariya cursed, "Well Berseker, you getting rid of Zouken was great but now I've got no magic to beat the crap out of Tokiomi."

" **Berserker!"** Berserker said in an 'I've got it covered' tone.

"What? You've got something that could help me?"

" **Berserker!"** Berserker nodded before going somewhere.

"Hey! Where are you going?" Kariya asked, following Berserker who lead them to the study room. There Berserker pointed to the computer, "What am I suppose to do with that junk, press the delete button to delete Tokiomi?"

" **Berserker Berserker."** 'Knowledge is power.' Berserker switched on the desktop which soon turned black, bulged, shrunk, bulged and grew into a super computer, with three large monitors and three keyboards.

"Whoa!" Sakura gasped.

"Great, you made the junk bigger," Kariya rolled his eyes dismissively.

Berserker ignored the jab and spoke into the mic, **"Berserker."**

" **Searching for 'the most non disgusting bug magic'. 123456 results found."**

Berserker turned to a gaping Kariya and said, **"Berserker."** 'Make your pick.'

Sakura asked, "Is that-"

The doorbell rang.

"Hold that thought dear," Kariya patted Sakura's head before rushing to the door, there he found an envelope which read 'From Rider To Berserker'

"What could this be about?" Kariya pondered, walking back to the study where he found Sakura resting in arms of her dark knight,'Whatever it is can wait for a bit,' Kariya smiled.

 **A/** **N: So yeah, that might not have been as good as chapter 3 but it will be a while before I come up with something that can match that chapter. Then again maybe not. See you guys later.**


	5. Baba Gil and The Hundred Assassins

**A/N: Yo! I'm back with another chapter. I'd like to thank you guys for your follows, favourites and reviews. Hope you enjoy.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fate Zero, Fate Stay Night, Carnival Phantasm or any other Fate franchise, they are properties of TYPE MOON. I also don't own any fictional work referred here.**

 **Baba Gil and The Hundred Assassins**

The night before the battle at the docks, at the road to Tohsaka manor, Kirei was plotting Tokiomi's demise with Assassin Zayd.

"Wow master, I thought you were Tohsaka's loyal lackey," Zayd commented, his smirk hidden by his bone mask but not from his master who smirked back.

"The Holy Grail can grant any wish but my mentor wants to use it to find some Root that may or may not exist. Such a fine opportunity is completely wasted on him," Kirei replied.

"So you're sure Archer's not here?" Zayd asked, "I would rather avoid Gilgamesh even on a good day."

"Tokiomi-sensei has no control over Archer, he does what he wants and what he wants is to roam Fuyuki City every night, he won't be back till it's too late," Kirei replied, "What you need to worry about are the wards. If Tohsaka-sensei detects you, he will summon Archer immediately."

"Gotcha!" Zayd said as his image flickered shifting into that of a pizza boy.

"A pizza boy? Seriously?"

"Who doesn't like free pizzas?" Zayd shrugged before walking towards the mansion.

"You will find out soon enough..." Kirei whispered to himself.

Zayd walked towards the mansion and noticed a mana field that covered the entire front yard, "Time for some parkour!" Zayd cheered before he did

"What is it mongrel?"

"Pizzzza deli-verrry..." Zayd stammered.

"Give it to me!" Gilgamesh ordered and Zayd complied. Gilgamesh opened the lid, inspecting the pizza intensely, "Hmmm... Say, pizza is Italian is it not?"

"Y-yes sir!"

"Is this Italian?"

"Noo sir..."

"Then it's not a pizza, is it?" Gilgamesh threw the pizza at Zayd.

"I-I am extremely sorry to disappoint you... sir," Zayd apologized taking a few steps back from the front door, "I will take my leave now..."

"Wait!"

"Yes sir?"

"As worthless as your pizza was, you went through a lot of trouble to bring it before me and for that, you deserve your due," Gilgamesh told Zayd.

"My due?" Zayd asked.

"Yes," Gilgamesh smirked as many weapons appeared out of Gates of Babylon, "Your due."

"AAAH!" Zayd screamed as weapons upon weapons were fired upon him.

"Oh, and keep the change, mongrel," Archer told Assassin firing a few daggers at him.

"OW!"

Gilgamesh frowned, "What're you looking at?" He demanded before firing weapons at the familiars sent by other masters to spy on him, "Good riddance!" Gilgamesh congratulated himself before shutting the door behind him.

Meanwhile, Kirei rode his car back to the Fuyuki Church, while talking on a weird device with a magic crystal, "Yes sensei, it is done. Archer destroyed Zayd and the familiars sent by other masters," Kirei said smugly but his smug grin wore off and he stopped the car.

" _What's the matter Kirei?"_ Tokiomi asked.

"Correction, Archer wounded Zayd and destroyed the familiars," Kirei said, in front of him stood Hassan-i-Sabbah and his split personalities. They were holding a moaning Zayd, pincushioned by Gilgamesh' blades, glaring daggers at Kirei.

" _I see, it's fine as long as other masters believe that Assassin is dead,"_ Tokiomi said, _"Go to the church and tell Assassin to track other masters. Tell them to strike when I tell them to."_

"Yes, of course," Kirei cut the connection, switching gears as he watched the Assassins. As if on cue the Assassins pulled out their daggers and Kirei turned the car around and fled for his life.

The day after the battle at the docks, Assassin, Kirei, Tokiomi and Archer were watching the television in the living room.

" _According to the world famous detective Moore, the mysterious havoc at the docks was caused by an epic anime-style battle between a bunch of drug addicts and gangsters. Moore based these claims on the sword marks and vomit all over the site of crime," The TV showed clips of sword cuts and vomit, "It is also believed that the fight involved two oxen and two lions as well based on the dung and claw marks-"_

"Assassin, can you explain what the hell this is?" Tokiomi ordered Assassin.

"It is a television," Assassin replied, "It works by projecting beams of red, green and blue colours which scan dots and lines in various combination to create a picture on the screen. The television creates pictures based on the signals it receives from the cable from the dish, which receives signals from the satellite, which receives the signals from the MCR at the production house."

"Really? Fascinating..." Tokiomi remarked scratching his goatee in thought, "It's similar to how our familiars and stalking orbs work. Though they are still primitive compared to the magical means of communication."

"Ahem!" Kirei coughed.

"I mean... Assassin! You almost jeopardized the secrecy of magic!" Tokiomi chastised Assassin.

"Hey, I didn't start the fight," Assassin retorted.

"Regardless you weren't supposed to join the fight. You were supposed to pretend your death and play possum, spy on other masters and kill them when you get the chance, but now everyone knows."

"Wait a second, no one told me anything about that!"

"Kirei? Really?" Tokiomi turned to Kirei.

"Must have slipped my mind," Kirei replied offhandedly.

"Ugh!" Tokiomi groaned, "Regardless! Just what type of Assassin leaves evidence at the crime scene?"

"I was hit by Rider's chariot!"

"You have to admit mongrel, you suck. A hundred of you yet you couldn't kill even one mongrel?" Archer mocked Assassin.

"Oh yeah? Well you had thousands upon thousands of weapons yet you couldn't kill an Assassin that sucks!"

"Watch your tongue mongrel!" Gilgamesh warned, "You were spared due to interference by the mad dog! The mad dog I hold in higher esteem than you!"

"Funny! I also think that Berserker uses your weapons better than you!" Hassan retorted.

"Do you wish to die?" Gilgamesh warned drawing weapons from his arsenal.

"No, I wish to kill," Hassan replied as his split persona appeared behind him.

"Enough! There will be no fights!" Tokiomi interrupted, "Assassin leave at once!" Tokiomi ordered Assassin who was tempted to gut Tokiomi but was dragged away by Kirei, Tokiomi turned to Gilgamesh in servitude, "My king! It's time for your favourite show..."

"I am in a sour mood, leave me at once!" Gilgamesh ordered.

"Yes your majesty!" Tokiomi said.

"Say that again."

"Yes your majesty!"

"Louder!"

"YES YOUR MAJESTY!"

"Say it like you mean it!"

"YOSH! YOUR MAAJESTY!"

"Good! I feel better, you may leave," Gilgamesh dismissed Tokiomi before turning on the television.

At Fuyuki Church, Assassin was pacing about, sharing his frustrations with his split personas.

"Can you believe it? Such arrogance!" Hassan said with contempt, "Just because he is the very first hero and king he thinks he can do whatever he wants. We made Salah ad-din Al-Ayubi, the liberator of Jerusalem, leave Masyaf alone just by leaving a dagger by his bedside."

"Salah Ad-din, may God be pleased with him, was asleep and he left because the Crusaders were acting up again," Shaikh, an Assassin dressed as a cleric, pointed out.

"That's besides the point!" Hassan retorted, "The point is, what gives Archer the right to be such a prick?"

"We did try to kill his master," Zayn pointed out.

"Please!" Ruqsana retorted, "He obviously doesn't give a damn, I mean have you seen them, it's like Gilgamesh is the master and Tokiomi the servant."

"It's all because of his Gates of Babylon," Zayd said, "That thing's got all sorts of noble phantasms. How does that even work?"

"What chance do we have against something like that?" Zayn asked.

"It's that sort of thinking that puts us behind other heroes. We almost had Archer yesterday, we will get him the next time, we just have to try harder. Do you remember what we did when the Mongol Horde invaded us?"

"We disbanded and scattered across the globe," Bilal the Big Assassin replied, "Except Al Tair, he stayed behind for some reason, why did you stay behind Al Tair?"

"Because I am an Assassin," Al Tair replied.

"Okay, what did we do when Salah Ad-Din came to us?" Hassan asked.

"Left a dagger on his bed," Zayd replied.

"You plan on leaving a dagger on Gilgamesh, the King of Heroes' bed?" Ruqsana asked.

"We won't have to," Al Tair said, "He's here."

Hassan dismissed his split personas and went to the wine cellar where he found Gilgamesh lounging and drinking packet juice with Kirei. Hassan used his presence concealment skill to hide and snooped in on their conversation.

"By God that man is boring!" Archer complained, "How do you tolerate Tokiomi?"

"I seek amusement from his daughter, Rin, by telling her that her father looks ridiculous using crystal magic and that thing he does with his hands. She's quite the spitfire."

"What does he do with those hands?" Gilgamesh asked in disgust, "Doesn't he have a wife?'

"No not that, you know all those gestures he keeps making," Kirei explained.

"Oh yes! Those! Why does he do that?"

"He thinks it makes him more charismatic," Kirei replied.

"Ha! I knew there was a reason I liked you. You are an interesting character, speaking of which find anything interesting about other masters?"

Kirei placed seven bundles of files on the desk, "Other than Emiya all the masters are boring."

"Are you sure? Your file on Matou Kariya seems the thickest."

"Kariya was an interesting character, a man who denounced magecraft only to return so that he could free Sakura, Tokiomi's daughter, from Zouken for Aoi's sake. He made a deal with Zouken to bring the Holy Grail in exchange for Sakura. Even allowed Matou's insects to enter his body shortening his lifespan."

"Interesting, why'd you stop collecting files on him?"

"Berserker killed Zouken."

"Hahaha! Can't say the worm man didn't have it coming. Well, what's so interesting about the Magus Killer? Isn't he just a mercenary hired by the Einzbern doll?"

"Actually he's her husband and Saber's real master," Kirei replied.

"And so the plot thickens," Archer took a sip of juice, "How did you discover that?"

"Assassin."

Gilgamesh's mood soured a bit, "Oh? And what do you find interesting about the Magus Killer?"

"I think we are quite similar, before getting hitched he used to go from one warzone to another, killing warlords and all those things. He also keeps saying 'For world peace' a lot. I just want to know his wish and by extension his purpose for living."

"And how do you plan on doing that?"

"I think I will just ask him," Kirei replied as he finished his juice, "Now if you don't mind I have a sinner to torment."

"By all means," Gilgamesh dismissed Kirei. He was now alone in the cellar, drinking packet juice.

"This is our chance!" Assassin said.

Gilgamesh was enjoying his juice when the lights went out, "What the- Umph!" Someone put a duffel bag over him while another person started stabbing him, "Mongrel! You ruined my favourite shirt!" Archer summoned some weapons but his assailants were too close to him to get hit, plus he couldn't see through the duffel bag.

"Fuck you bastard! This is for Zayd!" Assassin cursed as kept stabbing Gilgamesh, "How does it feel?"

"LIKE THIS!" Gilgamesh screamed summoning Brahmastra which set everything on fire.

Later at the altar, Risei looked sternly at the occupants of the church. On one side was Gilgamesh, covered in bruises and cuts. On the other were the Assassins, their bone masks singed, their dark skin was revealed to be fair thanks to the fire burning their skin tights.

"I am not going to ask, who started what or why my cellar is on fire. All I want is for you both to stop trying to kill each other. You are both on the same team till the other masters have been defeated. You can finish your grudge when that time comes but for now, you must tolerate each other and even work together."

"Or what?" Gilgamesh dared the old priest.

"Or you are disqualified," Risei stated.

"You? Disqualify me? You cannot stop me!"

"But I can," Tohsaka said entering the church with a sceptre in one hand and a glass of red wine in the other.

"Oh? And just what-"

"bythepowerofmycommandsealiorderyoutostoptryingtokillassassintillyoubotharethelastonesleftbenicertomeandforgetiusedacommandsealonyou!" Tohsaka used his first command seal which glowed red before disappearing.

Everyone watched Gilgamesh for a reaction, but Gilgamesh seemed to be in trance.

"Archer?" Risei asked.

"Huh? Oh yes Father, you are right. I was too harsh on Assassin. Assassin, I apologize for trying to kill you, to make it up to you let me offer you these," a table sized pizza appeared out of thin air.

"For us?"

"Yes," Archer said, "Do eat up."

The Assassins took a slice each and took a bite... and swooned like they were in heaven.

When they looked at the table the pizza returned to its original size.

"Eat your fill I'll just be back," Gilgamesh excused himself with a smile.

"Thank you Archer!" The Assassins thanked Gilgamesh and broke into their food.

"I suppose that's settled," Tokiomi sighed in relief.

"Yes, for a moment there I thought your command wouldn't work, it was just too long," Risei added.

"We better not let Archer hear that," Tokiomi said.

"Agreed," Risei nodded and the two left the Assassins with their lunch.

The Assassins kept eating till their bellies were loaded, "Ahhh! That hit the spot!" Zayd said.

"I guess Archer isn't so bad after all," Ruqsana said.

"We should apologize to him as well," Hassan said.

'BURP!' Al Tair burped.

"EWW!" All the Assassins said together.

"I think I had too much, I need to go," Zayn said rushing to the bathroom, "WHAT THE FUCK?"

Hearing Zayn curse the other Assassins rushed to the bathroom and said, "WHAT THE FUCK?"

In the bathroom was a toilet with its lid closed, over the lid was a huge mallet that kept the lid shut.

Bilal tried lifting the mallet with his brute strength but, "It won't budge!"

"Of course it won't, it's Mjolnir, Thor's hammer," Hassan said, "But Thor isn't here so where could-" Hassan's eyes widened in realization.

"ARCHER! YOU BASTARD!" The Assassins cursed.

From the treelines, Archer laughed, "Hahaha! Sag Shab Bekhair!"

 **A/N: According to Google translate, Archer's last line translates as "Goodnight dogs!" in Farsi. I went with modern Persian because I have no idea how to translate that in ancient version or whichever language Gilgamesh's epic was written in. Assassin's explanation on television's working mechanism might be flawed since it was taken from the internet sources. The toilet scene was inspired by a random meme involving Thor and Loki, kudos to whoever made that and also please don't sue. More chapters should be coming up this month. So stay tuned. Also check my other stories.**


	6. Kayneth's Woes, Diarmuid's Solace

**A/N: Back with another chapter. And in only two days. Guess I'm on a roll here. Hope you guys enjoy.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fate Zero, Fate Stay Night, Carnival Phantasm or any other Fate franchise, they are property of TYPE MOON. I also don't own any fictional works referred here.**

 **Kayneth's Woes, Diarmuid's Solace**

In a hotel room in Fuyuki City.

"Ah!" Kayneth moaned.

"Stop making this seem more sexual than it is," Sola-Ui reproached irritably, she wouldn't be doing this if Lancer hadn't begged her to tend to El-Melloi's wounds.

"I swear, I am not doing anything like that, it just stings a lot," Kayneth whined.

"Be a man for once Kayneth!"

"Lady Sola-Ui, please be patient with master, he has gone through a lot," Lancer pleaded.

"Hehehe..." Sola-Ui giggled, "You don't say Lancer dear. Whoever this Assassin was did a number on Kayneth's arse. If I wasn't a mage he would never be able to sit ever."

"No thanks to you Lancer!" Kayneth seethed.

"Master?"

"You were suppose to fight and slay the other servants and protect me from all harm or die trying, but instead you ran from the battlefield, from a little girl in lion's costume nonetheless leaving me open to all sorts of harm!"

"Kayneth..." Sola-Ui grumbled in a warning tone.

"Master please! Try to understand, I was completely taken off guard by Saber's lion and then just as I escaped her another lion attacked."

"That's it! You ran! Knights aren't suppose to run! Because of you that thief Velvet vomit on my hair and his cows defecated on me. And my buttocks can't be called so anymore!"

"Forgive me master, if I had known such terrible fate awaited you I would have stayed even if Saber Lion and Simba ate me alive on the spot!"

"Oh! I am sure you- Wait a second! How do you know their names?" Kayneth's eyes widened, "YOU! YOU TRAITOR! YOU HAVE BEEN WORKING WITH THEM HAVEN'T YOU?"

"WHAT? NO MASTER! I WOULD NEVER-"

"SILENCE! I WILL DEAL WITH YOU APPROPRIATELY!" Kayneth raised his right hand which had the command seals, glowing ominously, "IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Kayneth screamed as Sola-Ui poked a wound on his butt making it bleed.

"Quit it Kayneth! Don't you dare do anything to Diarmuid!"

"But Sola darling-"

"Don't Sola darling me you idiot! Do you really think Diarmuid would betray you? If he really wanted to he could kill you without any help."

"That's true... But he still failed me!"

"You only failed because of your faults!"

"What are you saying?"

"That's right! Your first fault was asking all the Masters to attack Diarmuid without any research on the other servants. Because of this, neither you nor Lancer were prepared for the Noble Phantasms of other servants. And what if all the servants had decided to finish off Lancer together first?"

"But even-"

"Your second fault was not activating your Mystic Code beforehand. If you did that, your hair and clothes wouldn't be full of vomit and shit and your arse would not be shami kebab."

"But-"

"And you actually provoked Archer, who is none other than Gilgamesh, the freaking King of Heroes, just how stupid can you be?"

"But-"

"You're lucky you survived the first night, hell you were ready to give up on life. It was Lancer who saved you at the last moment."

"You-you're right..."

"Of course I'm right you nincompoop!"

"Lady Sola-Ui! Please don't say another word against Master Kayneth!" Lancer warned Kayneth's fiancée.

"But Lancer, he needs to realize what a great guy you are and how lucky he is to have you as his servant," She replied.

"Well I will believe that when he kills a servant for me- OW! What was that for?"

"Did you feel that?" Sola-Ui asked.

"Of course I felt that!" Kayneth said rubbing his arse.

"Not that you idiot! That! There's another servant nearby," Sola-Ui said.

"Oh..." Kayneth smirked, "Is there now?"

Sola-Ui rolled her eyes seeing Kayneth's cockiness, "You sound rather confident for someone who had his arse turned to shami kebab..." Hearing this Kayneth deflated.

"I really wish you would quit bringing that up..." Kayneth murmured before composing himself, "Anyhow, this time will not be the same because this time the enemy has to cross the corridor before entering this room."

"Kayneth... What did you do to the corridor?"

"Nothing..." Kayneth chimed with an evil grin, "Just added a magic seal which when triggered leads to a pocket dimension riddled with ridiculously complicated and deadly traps including lava pits, gas chambers and my favourite, Cerberus the Hellhound."

"What? Are you crazy?"

"Calm down my dear, the trap only reacts to mana," Kayneth reassured her.

"AAAAARGH!" Someone screamed outside.

Sola-Ui and Diarmuid turned to Kayneth with deadpanned looks, "Don't judge me yet, that must have been a servant... or some low class mage with nothing to do with the war." Kayneth murmured the last part.

"You never seize to amaze me," Sola-Ui said sarcastically.

"I seek to impress," Kayneth said smugly, "Now relax you two, while we are in here, no one and I mean no one can touch us let alone attack us."

" **GAO!"** Something roared in a girly voice before the door was kicked open. The residents of the room turned to the door to find a teenage girl in a lion costume holding a huge chicken leg piece.

"AAH! It's Saber Lion!" Diarmuid cried out.

"How in the hell did you get around my trap?" Kayneth asked in astonishment.

" **Gao!"** Saber Lion dropped three large dog heads.

"The Devil! She actually went through the trap!" Kayneth cursed.

'The poor creature, it never stood a chance,' Diarmuid mourned for the Cerberus before turning to Saber Lion, "But how did you find us?"

" **Gao!"** Saber Lion roared.

"You tracked us down by our scent?"

" **Gao!"** Saber Lion nodded, **"Gao Gao Gao Gao Gao!"**

"And you have been tracking us since last night? Just to finish what we started last night?"

" **Gao!"**

"You can actually understand what the crazy lass is saying?" Kayneth asked.

"Warriors need no words to communicate," Diarmuid said solemnly, "An exchange of their blades is enough," Diarmuid brought forth his legendary spears and positioned himself to charge, "Come Saber Lion, I am prepared for you!"

"FROM MY BEHIND?" Kayneth yelled in exasperation.

"Pardon me Master Kayneth, but your behind is very vulnerable at the moment," Lancer replied.

"LIKE HELL! JUST GO AND KILL THAT BITCH!"

"She's a lion."

"WHATEVER!"

" **GAO!"** Saber Lion charged at Diarmuid.

"HERE I COME!" Diarmuid charged at Saber Lion. The two warriors reached each other in a split second, Meatcalibur parrying blows from Gae Dearg and Gae Buidhe with amazing precision, "Splendid! Such skills from one so young as you," Diarmuid complimented dodging a stab from Meatcalibur.

" **Grrrrrr...!"** 'You aren't too shabby, for a womaniser that is!'

"I AM NOT A WOMANISER!"

"THAT'S RIGHT! IT'S NOT LANCER'S FAULT THAT HE IS SO PERFECT THAT EVERY LASS WANTS A PIECE OF HIM!" Sola-Ui screamed.

"Way to help there," Kayneth mumbled to himself with a smirk, "OW!" Only to be poked in one of his wounds on his arse.

" **Gao! Gao!"** 'Look at what you've done to your master's fiancée!"

"Look! I didn't do anything! It's all because of this stupid lovespot!"

" **Gao?"** 'And how did you get it in the first place?'

"I didn't ask for this stupid mole in the first place, some lady gave it to me for no reason."

" **Gao?"** 'Honest?'

"Honest."

After a while.

"Ahh..." Diarmuid sighed happily after his drink, "I'm glad we cleared that misunderstanding."

" **Gao!"** Saber Lion nodded in agreement sipping her glass of milk.

As Diarmuid and Saber Lion cherished their new found friendship, Sola-Ui watched enviously from the sidelines, "Look at that bitch, getting all cozy with my Lancer," she muttered, ripping a cushion apart, "Kayneth! Do something about her!"

"Like what?" Kayneth asked, "I can't even sit on my arse!"

"Worthless!"

"Oh Sola-Ui..." Kayneth whined like a dog, sulking into the cushion. Their banter was interrupted by a knock on their door, "What is it?"

"Sir, there is a package for you," a female voice said. Sola-Ui and Kayneth looked at each other before turning to the door.

"Bring it in," Sola-Ui permitted, the maid entered bringing in a package of wine and a basket of chocolate, "Who is it from?"

"It's from a Macedonian gentleman called Mr. Iskander Rider."

"You may leave now," Kayneth dismissed the maid, who bowed before leaving.

"There's a card," Sola-Ui took the card and read it, "Rider wants to invite all the servants to the Einzbern castle to negotiate."

"Tsch. It's obviously a trap," Kayneth scoffed, "Velvet's obviously too scared to fight face to face so he intends to ambush Lancer."

"At Saber's hideout? Unlikely," Sola countered.

"They must be allied," Kayneth retorted, "Why else would Saber's master allow Rider there?"

"Highly unlikely," Lancer interrupted, "Saber and Rider are both honourable warriors, they would never ambush other servants."

"You intend to go?" Lancer nodded in reply to Kayneth's query, "And what will you do if this turns out to be an ambush?"

Lancer twirled his lances, "Then I will punish them for their treachery."

" **Gao!"** Saber lion roared, 'And I will bail him out!'

In that moment, Kayneth did not see a failure or a second hand servant, but the Knight of Fionna, "Very well, you may join Rider's negotiations."

"Thank you, master," Lancer bowed in gratitude.

"You will disclose everything discussed there," Kayneth added.

"Of course master."

"And-" Kayneth paused upon hearing a beeping noise, which got louder every second, "Darn it!"

'BOOM!' An explosion occurred which sent everyone hurtling out of the room.

Kayneth took out a vial filled with silvery substances, he fumbled a bit before pulling out the cork and said, **"Hydrargyrum!"** The mercuric blob flowed out of the vial and became his parachute.

Lancer dived downwards, grabbed Saber Lion and Sola-Ui in his arms and stabbed Gae Dearg into a wall hanging onto it.

"Lady Sola-Ui! Saber Lion! Grab onto me tight, I will use my spears to climb into the window above us," Lancer told the ladies who nodded in response before holding him tight. Lancer used his spears to climb upto a window above him, "Saber Lion, open the window."

" **Gao!"** Saber Lion roared before bringing out Excalibur.

"That's a bit overkill don't you think?" Diarmuid sweat-dropped.

" **Gao!"** Saber Lion roared before climbing up Lancer's shoulders.

'Now is my chance,' Sola-Ui smirked with murderous intentions, "Ah!" She pretended to slip.

"My Lady!" Lancer grabbed Sola-Ui causing Saber Lion to lose balance, "Saber Lion!" Gae Dearg slipped out of Lancer's hand who grabbed Saber Lion, holding Gae Buidhe tightly with the arm he held Sola-Ui.

'Shit! Almost had her!' Sola-Ui cursed.

Meanwhile Kayneth was enjoying his slow descent, "Ha! Thought they could off Lord El-Melloi of the Clock Tower did they? Suckers!"

'ZIP!' Gae Dearg zipped through his metallic parachute like hot knife through cheese due to its anti-magic properties.

Kayneth blinked twice before plummeting towards the ground, "WAAAAAH!"

Fortunately for Kayneth, the ground wasn't so far and he had instinctively reinforced his clothes... Unfortunately, he fell on Gae Dearg... butt first.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Lancer, Saber Lion and Sola-Ui climbed down the stairs and rushed outside to find Kayneth hanging on Diarmuid's red lance, his butt stabbed by the pointed butt of the lance, hydrargyrum spilled all over the place.

"Master!" Lancer rushed to his master's aide.

"Whyyyyyyy?" Kayneth murmured in a hoarse voice, unable to scream any longer.

"Look on the bright side," Sola-Ui said trying to stifle her giggles, "It wasn't Gae Buidhe. Else that would be permanent."

"Ughhhh..." Kayneth groaned as Lancer and Saber Lion got him off Gae Dearg.

"Who could do something so heinous?" Lancer wondered. Suddenly a paper plane flew out of nowhere and hit Kayneth's butt making him yelp.

Lancer picked up the paper, unfolded and read the message aloud, "'It was Emiya the Magus Killer.' What? Does the culprit think we are gullible enough to believe this?"

"EMIYAAAAAAA!" Kayneth yelled to the heavens with new found strength born from his rage.

"He can't be blamed to think so," Sola-Ui replied to Lancer's question.

Meanwhile, from an under-construction building in front of the hotel a devious priest watched them all.

"Hn. That was entertaining," Kirei remarked before leaving.

 **A/N: And so Kayneth continues to be the punchline of butt jokes and Lancer spends a day without being eaten up. Coming up next is the much awaited negotiation between the heroes and the Knights of the Round Table will be back with their antics. Until next time!**


	7. Heroic Negotiations

**A/N: Merry Christmas everyone! Since the content is about a feast I suppose this is the right time to post this chapter. Or the worst depending on perspective. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fate Zero, Fate Stay Night, Carnival Phantasm or any other Fate franchise, they are property of TYPE MOON. I also don't own the Harry Potter series, that's owned by J K Rowling, or any other fictional work referred here.**

 **Heroic Negotiations**

In a room in the Einzbern Castle, in a forest near Fuyuki City.

"Mmmm..." Iris moaned and held on to something soft tightly.

"Mmmm..." Another woman moaned and Irisviel felt someone hold onto her.

"Huh?" Irisviel opened her eyes to find Maiya sleeping next to her on her king sized bed, "AAAAH!"

"Huh..." Maiya groggily opened her eyes, "Good morning Lady Irisviel-" Iris grabbed Maiya shaking her violently, "What the!"

"What are you doing here? In my bedroom? On my bed?" Iris asked shaking Maiya violently, "And where is Kiri-kun?"

"I don't know." Maiya replied stoically, "I don't know. I don't-"

"You don't have to repeat yourself!" Iris said still shaking a stoic Maiya when Kiritsugu exit the attached bathroom in his pyjamas with the peace symbols all over it.

"Oh! Good morning ladies," Kiritsugu greeted. Irisviel let go of Maiya and pounced on Kiritsugu.

"Kiri-kun! What is this woman doing here?" She demanded.

"Well you were both unconscious after yesterday's battle, so I brought you in," Kiritsugu replied.

"That doesn't explain why we were sleeping on the same bed!" The Homunculus outraged.

"Well this was the only room available," Kiritsugu explained.

"What do you mean only one room? We have fourteen rooms!"

"And thirteen knights."

"They don't need sleep," Maiya pointed out.

"Does not mean they won't and I don't think it's wise to use a command seal... for world peace."

"You just wanted a threesome, didn't you?" Irisviel asked.

"Well..."

"Not happening."

"WHAT IN THE HEAVENS IS HAPPENING HERE?" Someone screamed.

"What's gotten into Saber this early in the morning?" Iris asked.

"Let's find out, for world peace," Kiritsugu said as the three of them went to the entrance hall to find what the knights were up to.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Irisviel cursed at the sight before her.

In middle of the hall was a huge memorial erected by the Knights of the Round lead by Tristan. The memorial had an incomplete statue of with only a pair of marble shoes on it. The memorial read,

'HERE LIES SIR EMIYA,

THE IRON WROUGHT HERO OF ALAYA,

THE ARCHER OF RIN,

WHO WAS THE BONE OF HIS SWORD,

STEEL WAS HIS BODY, FIRE FLOWED THROUGH HIS VEINS,

HE CREATED OVER A THOUSAND BLADES,

UNKNOWN TO DEATH,

NOR KNOWN TO LIFE,

WITHSTOOD GREAT PAIN TO CREATE THEM,

YET, HIS HANDS HELD NOTHING,

AND SO HE PRAYED, UNLIMITED BLADE WORKS.'

"What is this?" Kiritsugu asked.

"This is where Sir Emiya breath his last!" Tristan answered who was painting a fresco depicting FSN Archer's battle against FSN Berserker over the monolith.

"I am still alive!" Kiritsugu said stoically.

"Not you Master Emiya! The other Emiya!" Said Bors who was carving one leg of the statue.

"What other Emiya?"

"Sir Emiya!" Said Percival who was giving finishing touches to the text.

"I am the only Emiya!"

"For now," Said Galahad who was using Lord Camelot to support Bors up.

"The Emiya you talk of is still well and alive!" Saber said.

"But in our timeline, he- he- WAAAH!" Tristan cried as Gareth and Gaheris consoled him.

"HE WAS ALIVE EVEN THEN!" Saber yelled them, "At present he is just a kid and back then he- he- Oh! Shirou-kun!" Saber was a blushing mess at the end of the sentence.

"You do not understand the hearts of the men!" Tristan accused Saber who was too lost in memories to care.

"Indeed, she is not human," Agravain added.

"No, she is not that bad," Tristan said.

"What on Earth are you people even talking about?" Irisviel asked.

"Just forget them, for world peace."

"Oh how cruel Mater Emiya! After all we went through yesterday," Merlin rued.

"Talking of yesterday, I now recall going out of control after seeing Lancer," Maiya said.

"Oh not just you, even Lady Irisviel fell under Diarmuid's formidable love charm, but I was able to undo the charm," Merlin said proudly.

"You have my thanks, and Saber, I apologize for my demeanour," Maiya apologized to Saber.

"I'm also really sorry about yesterday night," Irisviel apologized, "I really went out of control yesterday didn't I?"

"You need not apologize, no one could have anticipated Lancer's powerful curse," Saber reassured them.

"That's a relief," Iris said before turning to Tristan, "But I'm still not allowing a tombstone in the hall!"

"You do not understand the hearts of the men!" Tristan accused.

"You're the ones who don't understand! We can't have a tombstone in the hall! It's just not normal! And It's blocking the whole place!"

"Don't you understand? A very great man died here!"

"HE'S STILL ALIVE!" Saber screamed.

"Tsch! Pathetic!" Mordred entered wearing her armour, "You people need to quit whining over a dead lackey of Alaya if there is anyone you should be making a statue of it's me, the son of-" Mordred was struck down to the ground, her helmet splitting in two, "OW!"

"Shirou-kun is not dead!" Saber said.

"OW!"

"He is not a lackey!"

"OW!"

"AND YOU ARE A GIRL!"

"OW! Mamaaaa..." Mordred cried.

"Let's just get something to eat, for world peace!" Kiritsugu told Maiya and Iris.

"I don't know what breakfast has to do with world peace but sure!" Iris replied with a smile and turned to the kitchen to find Kay and Bedivere come out of the kitchen, wearing apron over their armours.

"Alright folks, listen up! The breakfast is ready and I don't care if it is burnt you'll just have to swallow," Kay declared.

"Awww..." Everyone moaned.

"Don't worry, we have cereal for breakfast which doesn't have to be cooked, so we're okay," Bedivere reassured everyone.

"YAY!"

"The milk unfortunately wasn't as lucky..."

"Awww..."

"What the heck Kay?" Saber asked.

"Don't look at me! It was suppose to be Fair Hands' job," Kay replied.

"Who's that?" Gaheris asked.

"No one, Kay is just making stuff up is all!" Gareth answered grinning awkwardly.

"Oh am I?" Kay smirked.

"You wish to take this outside?" Gareth dared Kay.

"Now now, there must be more milk in the kitchen," Saber pacified everyone.

And so everyone went to the dining room to find that there wasn't enough milk for everyone.

"Wait a second! You are spirits, you don't need to eat!" Irisviel recalled.

"Oh but extra nourishment never hurts, does it?" Merlin replied.

"Only my budget," Kiritsugu grumbled.

"Say, where is Saber Lion?" Saber asked.

"I think she's still hunting for Lancer, if she hasn't found him yet," Bedivere answered.

"Oh, and what about Gwain?"

"The sun is yet to rise," Agravain answered.

And there was light.

"The sun has risen."

"Good morning brother Gwain!" Gareth and Gaheris greeted together.

"Good morning," Gwain greeted back before taking his seat, "What happened to the milk?"

"Sir Kay happened," Bedivere replied.

"Merlin can you not fix this?" Saber asked.

"I can."

"Then why didn't you?"

"No one asked," Merlin shrugged before waving his staff over everyone's bowl and restoring the spoilt milk.

And so they had breakfast... in peace... till someone crashed the front door.

"What in the name of world peace!" Kiritsugu cursed before rushing to the front door followed by everyone else, to find Iskander and his chariot in the hall.

"Rider! What are you doing here?" Saber asked raising her sword, "Have you come to finish our fight?"

"Not quite Saber! I have come here to seek your aide," Rider replied

"By crashing through our doors?"

"Yes!" Rider said rubbing the back of his head sheepishly, "And I apologize... I was going fast and I lost control."

"Well what do you want?"

"I have invited all the Servants to a banquet for negotiations-"

"Not interested!"

"Well that's too bad because I invited them here," Iskander said scratching his beard.

"What? Why? Who told you you could?"

"It only seemed logical, my residence is too small for this meeting, Lancer's hideout blew up, Berserker's place is dreary, Assassin lives in a church, Archer's place is a mess and Caster does not have a set location, sometimes he lives on the streets, other times in sewers. Your palace however is both spacious and well maintained. Not to mention the fine statue you have set up."

"Even so, you can't just hold banquets at other people's place."

"Sorry but I have already sent the invitations-"

"Cancel it!"

"A king can not go back on his words, surely you understand that much King Arthur?"

"A king would hold the banquet at his own palace!"

"Let him hold it here," Kiritsugu said.

"Kiri-kun?" Iris asked, unsure she heard him right.

"Let him hold the banquet here," he repeated.

"You are?" Iskander asked.

"I am Irisviel's husband, Emiya Kiritsugu," Kiritsugu introduced himself.

"Oh! Pleased to meet you and thank you for lending your place. I will send my men for the preparations. Till then Saber, fare thee well," Rider bid Saber farewell, standing on his chariot as if expecting something to happen, "Oh right! The chariot does not have reverse gear." With that said, Iskander disappeared with his chariot before things could get anymore awkward.

"Kiritsugu? Why on earth did you permit Rider to use our- no my castle for his banquet?" Irisviel demanded an answer.

Kiritsugu smirked, "For world peace of course..." A peace symbol appeared above him.

"Huh?"

"You'll see," Kiritsugu smiled before turning to Agravain and Maiya, "Agravain, Maiya, could you come with me for a moment?"

"Yes master," Agravain replied a bit confused, before following Kiritsugu and Maiya to the kitchen.

"Did he just smile?" Iris asked.

'Hmm... very interesting,' Merlin smirked.

And so, Iskander and his legion decorated the backyard while Kiritsugu sent Agravain to grab food and drinks from Kaleidoburgers.

"Why must I go there?" Agravain whined.

"Because they charge too much for delivery," Kiritsugu replied.

"But the lines take forever!"

"You have enough time for world peace."

"You are even less human than my king." Agravain said before taking his leave.

The legion also helped Tristan to finish EMIYA's statue out of appreciation for the knight's devotion to the unknown hero.

"Splendid!" Iskander praised the venue, "Now all we have to do is wait for the guests."

Lancelot was the first to arrive, **"Berserker!"** He greeted.

"It's good to see you here Ser Berserker," Iskander greeted Berserker, "Though I am not sure how will you actually negotiate?"

" **Berserker!"** Lancelot cursed Iskander who never realized.

Diarmuid arrived next, "Greetings Rider, Saber!"

" **Gao!"** Saber Lion greeted Saber while holding Lancer's arm.

"You pig! Just what are you doing with Saber Lion? Don't tell me you charmed her too?"

Saber Lion tilted her head in confusion and said, **"Gao?"**

"No wait-"

"You cradle stealer! Die!" Saber charged at Lancer only to be held back by Rider, "Let go of me this instant!"

"We are here as honourable warriors, keep your personal grudges off the negotiation table," Rider warned Saber.

"Ugh!" Saber broke free of Rider's hold but instead of charging Lancer she grabbed Saber Lion and warned Lancer, "Stay away from her!" Before dragging her in.

"But I did nothing," Lancer whined.

Hassan arrived soon in a fancy suit, his mask still on.

"Marhaba my friend!" Iskander greeted Hassan.

"Do not friend me you brute, we still haven't forgiven you for what you did at the docks," Hassan replied tersely.

"Oh come on! Why are you still mad about the docks?" Iskander tried reasoning with Assassin.

"You weren't the one hit by a bullock cart moving at a supersonic speed," Assassin replied.

"Sheesh! Did I truly hit you that hard? My apologies," Rider apologized.

"Hn," Hassan scoffed and entered.

Archer arrived the last, "THIS is your venue?" Gilgamesh asked condescendingly.

"Actually this is the entrance, negotiations will be held at the backyard," Iskander replied.

"Hmph, I suppose one could do worse," Gilgamesh dismissed.

And so the Heroic Spirits took their seats at the negotiation table joined by the Knights of the Round Table with Agravain serving each of them burgers, French fries and drinks before taking seat while Kiritsugu, Maiya and Irisviel watched from the sidelines. Maiya and Irisviel were given really dark shades to prevent them from getting charmed by Diarmuid.

" **Berserker!"** Berserker said fondly, already broke into his set of burgers.

"I know, Kaleidoburgers are the finest burgers," Lancer agreed with Berserker.

"Assassin! Why don't you have some beer?" Rider offered hoping to make amends with Assassin.

"Rider! That's rude! Don't you know Muslims don't drink alcohol?" Saber scolded Rider.

"That's okay, we wouldn't be here in this pagan ritual if we were good Muslims. Our philosophy is that nothing is Halal, everything is Haram!" When everyone stared at Assassin, he realized that he had misquoted himself, "I mean the other way around, you know nothing is Haram and everything is Halal. Ugh! I mean I'd like a cold drink instead."

Assassin was saved from further embarrassment when Archer threw his burgers, "Bah! You call this food?"

"What's wrong with this food? Kaleidoburgers are considered one of the best fast food outlets?" Rider asked.

"Tch. Mongrels, allow me to present... food!" Archer clicked his fingers and portal appeared, bringing forth a huge plate of biryani followed by a golden jar of sherbet. Upon landing, the biryani served itself onto each hero's plate and sherbet into each one's glass.

The heroes looked unsure, but the aroma was tempting. At last Lancer took a spoonful of biryani and Saber took a sip of sherbet and they gasped as if they were in heaven. Soon they all started eating.

"Ahem!" Rider coughed, "Alright my fellow warriors, before we begin I would like to thank Mr and Mrs Emiya for lending their backyard and Archer for the delightful dinner. Now onto the negotiations, I propose that each hero should share their wish for the grail and let the most worthy wish be granted."

"Well why don't you start?" Saber said.

"Very well, my wish would be reincarnation," The others spit their sherbet upon hearing Rider's wish, "What?"

"We were sure you'd wish for world conquest," Gwain replied.

"Ah! But where is the adventure in that? The reason I want to be reincarnated is to conquer the modern world."

"Are you serious?"

"Very much so, the world today is much larger and advanced, I would like to talk more but let us move on."

Lancer stood up next, "All I wish for is to serve my master honourably and help him win or to die in an honourable duel." Lacer took his seat unaware of the glances he was receiving.

Berserker stood up, **"Berserker! Berserker!"** 'To star along with my fellow knights.' No one really understood him but pretended to.

Assassin stood up, "To become the King of Assassins," Archer and Rider snickered, "What's so funny?"

"Delusional fool, there can be but one king," Gilgamesh paused, "Me."

"Oh and what does his highness wish for?" Kay quipped in.

"The Holy Grail itself. The Earth is my kingdom and all its treasures are rightfully mine."

"So you already have the Holy Grail?" Arturia asked.

"I... haven't actually given it much thought before," Gilgamesh replied pondering over the answer.

"That leaves us with you Saber," Rider said.

"Tell us, what is your wish?" Lancer asked unaware of the looks he was being sent.

"Oh God! Saber don't say it!" Irisviel whispered.

Arturia took in a deep breath before standing up and slamming the table, "MY WISH IS FOR CONTINUATION OF MY PARODY SERIES AND TO STAR WITH MY FELLOW KNIGHTS!"

Pin drop silence, for 5, 10, 20, 40, 80 seconds and then the entire table erupted in laughter, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"WHAT'S SO FUNNY?" Arturia asked.

"Ha. What's so funny? Foolish girl, have you gone crazy? Do you truly believe you are an Anime character? You are crazier than the mad dog," Gilgamesh mocked Arturia.

"Oh yeah! Then why are you fighting for the grail?"

"I told you already, it's mine to begin with."

"If it's yours why don't you have it?"

Gilgamesh shut his mouth.

"Regardless, your wish is foolish," Rider chastised Saber, "To wish for a story that has ended to continue, it's dishonourable. Once a story has ended it is complete, to add anything new is both meaningless and lessens the value of the story."

"Is that why you wish for reincarnation?" Kay retorted on behalf of Arturia.

"There's a difference, mine is more like a sequel," Iskander defended himself. "You understand what I'm saying?"

"Yes, sequels suck," Assassin quipped in.

"It's still better than your wish, o King of Assassins," Diarmuid mocked Assassin.

"I deserve the title. The word Assassin comes from our group name Hashshashin. Just saying the word is enough to summon us!"

"There are far better Assassins in history than you, hell there are far better Assassins in your own organisation than you, some of your own split personalities are better than you!"

"Better Assassins? Like the boar that killed 'Mr. This is not how I want to die'? Get over it you whiny bitch!"

"Oh, you did not just go there!" Lancer warned bringing out his spears.

In response Assassin drew out his daggers and said, "Yes I did!"

"Kiritsugu, we should get out of here," Irisviel told her husband nervously holding his hand, "This could quickly get out of hand."

"Don't worry Iris, everything is under control," Kiritsugu reassured her observing the Heroic Spirits bicker back and forth.

" **BERSERKER! BERSERKER!"** Berserker tried to calm everyone down.

"Quiet mongrel! No one understands you!" Archer ordered.

" **BERSERKER!"** 'SILENCE!' Berserker ordered slamming the table too hard, breaking it in half, **"Berrr..."** 'Oops..."

"Oh that's how you wish to settle it?" Archer brought forth multiple swords from his portal pointing it at everyone.

"So be it!" Rider brought forth his sword, soon everyone brandished their noble phantasms at each other.

"KIRITSUGU! LET'S MOVE NOW!" Irisviel begged her husband.

"Wait for it," Kiritsugu said.

"FOR WHAT?"

"For world peace!" Kiritsugu cheered, a peace symbol appearing behind him.

"EN GARDE!" Saber yelled.

"ARGH!" All the servants charged at each other, "Ugh!" Only to fall to the floor clutching their bellies in pain. Only Saber and her knights were unaffected.

"Wh-what's hap-pening?" Assassin groaned.

"Muhuhuhahahaha!" Kiritsugu laughed like an evil genie.

"Kiri-kun?" Iris shivered with fear, she never felt so terrified of her husband before, hearing Iris Kiritsugu stopped laughing, he didn't mean to scare her.

"You... fiend... you... poisoned... us..." Lancer croaked out.

"How?" Archer asked, referring to the fact that he didn't even touch the burgers, instead served everyone biryani and sherbet.

"The poison was in the plates and glasses," Kiritsugu explained.

"Saber! Have you stooped so low? For your wish?" Rider asked.

"Please don't blame my King and fellow knights. I, Maiya and master were the only ones involved," Agravain told Rider.

"Brother? You too?" Gwain asked Agravain.

" **Berserker!"** Lancelot tried to get up only to fall back down.

"Father" "Lancelot!" Galahad and Bors rushed to Berserker's aide.

" **Gao!"** Saber Lion appeared near Lancer.

"Kiritsugu! How could you?" Saber asked Kiritsugu.

"This was a once in a lifetime chance, we could never get another chance to end this war swiftly in one blow," Agravain explained on Kiritsugu's behalf.

"Bah! Who cares?" Mordred asked, "They were going to die one way or-" Mordred was on the floor, "OW! Papa why?" She whined.

"She is right you know," Kiritsugu told Saber, "Chivalry and honour mean nothing in war. Death is death regardless of how it occurs. It's over."

"No, it's not," Merlin spoke with a know-it-all smirk.

"What do you mean it's not? They may be spirits, but even they cannot stand upto potassium cyanide for long," Maiya said.

"That is if they really had that," Merlin grinned.

"What do you mean?"

"I may have switched your poison with strong laxatives, which might be causing them painful stomach aches and soon enough, loose motions."

"Ugh!" The poisoned servants groaned in pain.

"What?" Kiritsugu asked when he realised he'd been had, "Agravain finish them!"

Agravain rushed to do the deed only to be held back by his brothers and leg bitten by Saber Lion, "We won't allow it!" " **Gao!"** They said.

"By the power of my command seal-"

"Merlin!" Saber ordered.

" **Silencio!"** Merlin fired a spell at Kiritsugu which hit spot on.

"Umph!" Kiritsugu's mouth was sealed shut.

" **Stupefy!"** Merlin fired a spell at Maiya to stop her from firing her machine gun. When the spell hit, she was completely paralyzed.

"Merlin, why are you helping them?" Agravain asked.

"Because this is not how knights fight," Merlin replied.

"Then why did you disable them?" Agravain asked.

"Well I doubt the other servants would take almost dying lightly," Merlin replied.

"Damn... you..." Lancer cursed them both.

"Saber..." Rider groaned, though his eyes seemed to pity the King of Knights, "Open your eyes and face the truth, your kingdom is gone, your story is over. You cannot undo what is done."

"Saber..." Gilgamesh groaned, "I would love seeing your face when your delusion crumbles on your tiny shoulders crushing you into absolute despair... And then I will make you mine, yes that would be a sight to behold. Hahaha-ugh..."

Saber felt like smacking the bumbling kings but Bedivere came to her rescue.

"If that's all you have to say then you may leave now," Bedivere said before nodding to Merlin.

"Good night gentlemen, it was pleasant dining with you," Merlin bid the other servants farewell before using a spell to teleport them to their respective hideouts.

"Umph! Umph!" Kiritsugu made muffled noises.

"I am afraid you will have to stay this way till- WAAH!"

'BANG!' Merlin ducked in time to dodge a bullet.

Kiritsugu prepared to fire another but was stopped by Irisviel's wires, "Kiritsugu! Stop this madness at once!" Kiritsugu struggled, "FOR WORLD PEACE!" Kiritsugu stopped at once.

"Merlin, undo the spells," Saber ordered.

"Yeah just a second," Merlin said before taking Maiya's gun, then he released the spells.

"Huh? Where'd my gun go?" Maiya asked.

"Why?" Kiritsugu asked Merlin, "Why did you stop me? We could have won the war in one go!"

"There's no victory in such dishonourable methods," Saber retorted.

"Spare me your chivalry. Your chivalry prevented an absolute victory and now this war will continue and God knows how many innocents will die because of you. You knights think your codes are something to strive for? Murder is murder regardless of how it is done. The end justifies the means."

"No, the end never justifies the means," Merlin retorted, "If anything the means never let it end."

"And your means bring a good end?" Kiritsugu asked, "Tell me then why did Camelot fall? You had the most honourable king, the King of Knights herself didn't you?"

'SCHINK!' Saber held Caliburn close to Kiritsugu's neck, glaring at her master with cold fury. Kiritsugu to his credit did not flinch.

"Wart," Kay called Arturia by her nickname, "Let him go, an assassin and a knight can never understand each other."

Arturia didn't listen, instead looked Kiritsugu in the eye and asked, "Tell me Emiya, can you truly look yourself in the mirror and call yourself a hero?"

Kiritsugu's eyes widened as a memory rushed in his mind of a teenage girl in white dress smiling at him, "Kiri-kun, what do you want to be when you grow up?" the girl had asked him, 'Shirley...'

Arturia let go of her master, "I guess not." She scoffed.

Irisviel decided "Well, I guess we should find a new base before- Oh my God!" Iris gasped.

"JEANNE! I AM HERE MY BEAUTIFUL VIRGIN! TO RELEASE YOU FROM YOUR TORMENT!" Caster screamed from outside.

"And that's another reason you would not have succeeded," Merlin told Kiritsugu.

"Okay, who invited fish-eyes?" Kay asked.

"Rider," Kiritsugu replied blandly.

Meanwhile at Tohsaka Manor.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE ARE NO OTHER TOILETS?" Gilgamesh screamed at Tokiomi.

The toilet he was near had lid over it, blocked by Mjolnir, Thor's hammer.

"M-my King the other toilets are being repaired," Tokiomi replied.

"And the one I am using conveniently has the Norse Thunder God's hammer?" Gilgamesh asked.

"My king, why not return the hammer to your treasury?"

"Fool! Only Thor can lift Thor's hammer!" Gilgamesh said, "And I left it at... ASSASSIN!"

From the treelines outside the manor Zayd laughed, "Ha! Tasbih Alay Khair Sultan! That's what you get for pincushioning an Assassin!" That said he disappeared.

 **A/N: In Google Arabic, Zayd's last line means 'Goodnight king!' I hope you guys don't mind third person version of EMIYA's incantation. As for Hassan's motto, the real quote is 'Nothing is Haram(forbidden), everything is Halal(permitted)' quoted by one of the leaders of the original Hashshashin, which in Assassin's Creed was quoted as 'Nothing is true, everything is permitted.' Islam much like Christianity forbids sorcery, which is why Abida(Assassin from fake/strange) kills whoever summons her and wants to destroy the grail. And yes, Muslims don't drink alcohol. And no, neither are all Muslims terrorist, nor all terrorists Muslims. Next chapter should be up by New Year Eve. Till then, Merry Christmas.**


	8. Your Virgin is Not in This Castle

**A/N; Happy New Year everyone! As I told you I am here with another chapter on this New Year's Eve. Hope you guys enjoyed.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fate Zero, Fate Stay Night, Carnival Phantasm or any other Fate franchise, they are property of TYPE MOON. I also don't own any shows, games, movies, songs, music or books referenced here.**

 **Your Virgin Is Not In This Castle**

"JEANNE! I HAVE COME FOR YOU MY BELOVED!" Giles de Rias screamed outside the Einzbern mansion.

"We might as well welcome our guest," Saber sighed. And the knights walked out to deal with Caster. When they reached the forest they found Caster surrounded by 18 children who seemed dazed.

"Greetings, my beautiful virgin," Giles greeted Arturia, bowing like a knight.

"Your virgin is not in this castle," Bors replied, "Buzz off!"

Caster glared and clicked his fingers, soon all the children burst in a fountain of blood turning into star fish type monsters.

"AAAAAAAAH!" All the knights screamed.

"Oh! The horror!" Merlin screamed.

"You fiend! Why did you kill those children?" Saber asked.

"TO SHOW YOU THAT GOD IS NOT MERCIFUL! THAT HE CARES NOT FOR HIS SERVANTS! TO REMIND YOU OF HOW HE FORSOOK YOU IN YOUR MOMENT OF NEED AND LET YOU BURN ON THE STAKE!"

"Foul warlock!" Galahad cursed, "You commit atrocities and blame God for your misdeeds?"

"INDEED! FOR IF GOD IS MERCIFUL WHY DOES HE SPARE DEMONS SUCH AS MYSELF WHILE NOBLE KNIGHTS LIKE JEANNE ARE BURNED ALIVE AND CURSED AS WITCHES! AFTER JEANNE'S DEATH I COMITTED ALL SORTS OF SINS, BUT REMAINED UNPUNISHED TILL THE DAY MY GREEDY RELATIVES AND POLITICIANS EYED MY PROPERTY! THROUGHOUT HISTORY THE INNOCENT HAVE BEEN PUNISHED FOR STANDING UPTO THE CRUEL!"

"What you state were misdeeds of man and man alone," Galahad retorted, "God only created man, it was man that committed sins."

"Bore me no more with your sermon preacher! I have come for my virgin over your dead bodies," Giles declared.

"Just the way we like it!" Mordred said drawing Clarent but was stopped by Galahad.

"Allow me," Galahad said, "In the name of-"

"NOT THIS TIME!" Caster screamed summoning loud speakers and electric guitars which the horrors started playing heavy metal.

"Argh!" Galahad clutched his ears.

"Galahad? What's the matter?" Bedivere asked.

"The power of evil has been amplified!" Galahad replied.

"Tsch. Is that what they teach you at the nunnery?" Kay quipped, "Alright Merlin, show us some mumbo jumbo." Nothing happened, "Merlin?" Kay turned around to find a note in Merlin's place, he picked it up and read aloud, "'Gone for an urgent matter. PS: Do not cut the horrors.' What? Why wouldn't we cut the horrors?"

"Fur Blancfleur!" Percival cut a horror in half... only for the halves to grow into new horrors.

"Oh." Kay said.

"Everyone! Do not cut the horrors, they will just grow into two new ones!" Bedivere warned everyone.

"Got it!" Bors said before cutting a horror sneaking from behind into half, "Oops..."

Meanwhile at Kayneth's new hideout at an under-construction site, Lancer bowed shamefully expecting Kayneth to lash at him.

"That fiendish oriental! He dares to use such underhanded tactics that even muggles and squibs shy from? I will have his head for it!" Kayneth declared.

"Master! It's too dangerous for us! I still haven't recovered."

"You rest Lancer, this one is a battle of mages," Kayneth replied.

"Are you sure master?"

"You need not worry, my familiars tell me that Saber and her knights are occupied with Caster, I will be fine."

Back inside the Einzbern castle Kiritsugu, Irisviel and Maiya watched the battle unfold.

"Kiri-kun is there nothing we can do?" Iris asked.

"No," he replied.

"What about your Mystic Code?"

"It won't work on Caster, he is drawing power from the book not himself. If he was a genuine Caster it would work but I'd have to hit him."

"We should leave now," Maiya urged the couple.

"Ah! There are two people coming here," Irisviel said.

"Who?" Kiritsugu asked.

"Lancer's master from the front and Assassin's from the back," Iris replied.

"Kotomine Kirei? It's still too soon for us to face him," Kiritsugu cursed.

"Well he obviously doesn't care," Maiya remarked.

"He's here!" Iris said.

"Who?" Kiritsugu asked.

'BANG!' The front door burst open, revealing Kayneth Archibald and his mystic code Hydrargyrum.

"You could have just knocked you know?" Irisviel said unimpressed by the Archibald heir's theatrics.

"Magus Killer! You ruined my suite and poisoned my servant using muggle methods even muggles shy from using. For that you will pay!" Kayneth declared with self-righteous fury. Kiritsugu didn't bother denying the first charge because he knew Kayneth would not listen. Kayneth took the silence as an admission of guilt and continued, "I, Kayneth Archibald, Lord El-Melloi of Clock Tower challenge you, Emiya Kiritsugu, the Magus Killer to a duel!"

"Maiya, take Iris away from here and avoid Kirei at all costs," Kiritsugu ordered Maiya who nodded and dragged a reluctant Irisviel away from there, Then he turned to Kayneth and said, "I accept your challenge."

Back with the knights, the knights were having a tough time against Caster, more due to themselves than Caster.

Gareth and Gaheris cut a horror into four, only for it to multiply into four.

"WHAT THE HELL? ARE YOU ALL BRAIN-DEAD? WHAT PART OF DON'T CUT THEM IS NOT CLEAR?" Kay yelled hysterically.

"What else are we suppose to do? All we have is a sword," Percival asked.

"Have you considered stabbing?" Kay asked deadpanned.

"What's that suppose to do?" Agravain asked.

"Ha!" Arturia stabbed a horror with Caliburn burning it to crisp.

"The king does not count, she's a dragon!" Agravain retorted, Kay pointed at Bedivere who was punching a horror into submission.

"If only I had a metal arm!" Agravain retorted dodging a horror.

"Why are you called Hard Hand again?" Kay asked.

"Oh yes," Agravain said before pounding the horror into mush with his bare hands.

"That's all well and good," Gwain said blinding two horrors into oblivion, "But one of us needs to pull off an Ex Deus Machina soon or we'll be doing this forever."

And then EMIYA's theme started playing.

"For Sir Emiya!" Tristan cried before firing a volley of burning arrows which hit many horrors burning them to crisp.

"Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!" Kay cheered.

" **A** **CCIO AQUA** **!"** Caster cast a spell which drenched water on Agravain's arrows with a lot of water and snuffed out the flames, "HAHAHA! NOW YOUR RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!"

"FOOL! DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF LOVE!" Tristan roared, "FOR ISEULT! MY LOVE! AND ISEULT! MY WIFE!" And his arrows burned bright white with the power of love and Sir Emiya. He fired the arrows destroying waves of horrors.

"YOU FILTHY MUGGLE!" Caster screamed, "DIE!" All the horrors, numbering eight hundred dashed at Tristan, ready to shred him into pieces.

"THE POWER OF LOVE WILL PREVAIL!" Tristan declared as his arrows burned with a bright blue hue but against such huge numbers even that couldn't possibly be enough, could it?

"Tristan!" Arturia cried out, bringing out Excalibur ready to fire but her daughter beat her to it.

" **Clarent Blood Arthur: Rebellion Against My Beautiful Father!"** Mordred declared as everyone watched in awe as her blade transformed into a demonic weapon and unleashed a red lightning that cut all the horrors down. Seeing Arturia gape Mordred cheered in her mind, 'Yes! Now I have proved myself, now father will finally acknowledge me as his son!' Mordred turned haughtily to Artuaria and said, "So father how- OW! Why?"

"YOU IDIOT!" Arturia yelled. She was absolutely livid, her reason: The 800 horrors turned into 1600, thanks to Mordred.

While the knights fought Caster, and Kiritsugu and Kayneth prepared to duel, Maiya and Irisviel were on their way to their backup hideout when Irisviel stopped them.

"What's the matter?" Maiya asked.

"Kiri-kun can not take on both Archibald and Kotomine at the same time," Irisviel said, "We should take out Kotomine."

"He can handle himself just fine," Maiya retorted, "Kiritsugu ordered us to leave, end of discussion."

"Okay how about this? Whoever defeats Kirei gets to sleep with Kiri-kun for the whole week," Iris wagered.

"You're on sister!" Maiya said dashing in Kirei's direction gaining a lead over the homunculus.

"Bitch!" Irisviel cursed as she dashed behind.

Back in the Einzbern Castle, it had been a while since Kiritsugu accepted Kayneth's challenge. Neither mage had moved since then each waiting for the other to make the first move.

"What's the matter Magus Killer? Why don't you attack?" Kayneth asked petting his mystic code, "Are you wondering what my Hydrargyrum can do? Let me show you!"

In a blink, Kiritsugu stepped sideways to dodge a long mercuric spike and activated the booby trap on the hall which fired several rounds from all around Kayneth.

"Pathetic," All the bullets were blocked by Kayneth's Mystic Code, "Bet you didn't see that!"

'Definitely quicksilver,' Kiritsugu noticed as he dodged more spikes using double accel, 'And it can sense targets by heartbeat,' he concluded based on how the mystic code attacked him despite being covered from all sides and the small rods on the spikes that vibrated in rhythm.

"Is this all you are capable of Oriental? Dodging fast?" Kayneth mocked Kiritsugu who remained steadfast, focusing on dodging Hydrargyrum while coming up with a plan to neutralize Kayneth.

'Let's see if you can take the heat,' Kiritsugu discreetly turned on the air conditioner with a remote control releasing gas.

"Did you earn the name Magus Killer by boring mages to death?" Kayneth mocked, "You are a disgrace to the name of the magi all over the world! Every moment I spend here with you is both a mockery to my profession and my lineage! From this moment on this is not a duel but an extermination!"

'BOOM!' As soon as Kayneth said that the entire hall burst into flames. On instinct Kayneth reinforced Hydrargyrum, which formed a protective cocoon around him, to the maximum limit.

"Is that the best you can do?" Kayneth mocked to hide that he would've shit his pants if his arse did not hurt so much from all the abuse it had been through.

In response Kiritsugu, who had reached the hall, loaded the Thompson contender and, 'BANG!' fired from close range at Kayneth's cocoon. The bullet phased through the metal shield like air and would have hit Kayneth between his eyes, had he not ducked.

"Ha!" Kay jeered from his cocoon.

'CLING!' The bullet hit EMIYA's monolith and ricocheted back and through the mercuric cocoon.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Kayneth emitted the most painful noise upon being hit on his buttocks.

And that was just the beginning of his misery. The bullet Kiritsugu fired was his mystic code, Origin Round, made from his rib bones. It had a nasty effect of cutting magic circuits and tying them back together thus short-circuiting them permanently. The victim would be lucky to live let alone use magic.

And so Kayneth lay on the floor face first, writhing in pain, his body cramping violently, his arse fried by Emiya the Magus Killer and his Hydrargyrum spread all over him, some of it seeping into his wounds most of which happened to be on his buttocks. At this rate, Kayneth would die of either mercuric poisoning or fried circuits, painfully and slowly.

Seeing the proud El-Melloi's sorry state Kiritsugu decided to have mercy on him and aimed his semi-automatic gun at Archibald's head and pulled the trigger, "For world peace."

'CLANG!' Only for the bullet to be blocked by Diarmuid.

While Lancer and Kiritsugu stared each other down, Iris and Maiya were going to find that intercepting Kirei together was not their best plan yet.

"Where's the Magus Killer?" Kirei asked, 'Don't tell me he got stuck with El-Melloi! I knew I should have put the Einzbern homunculus' name instead but who'd believe that?'

"You've got us to worry about!" Maiya said rushing forward with a machine gun.

"Fine..." Kirei replied.

Maiya fired her high calibre bullets at Kirei who tanked them by reinforcing his clothes to the max, rushed at her holding three key-blades in each hand like Wolverine and then stabbed her in the abdomen and slapped her to the ground. Then he turned to Irisviel.

"Stand down or I will kill your friend," Kirei warned.

"Do it!" Iris urged eagerly.

"What? Hn!" Kirei threw the blades at Iris.

"Hya!" Iris released wire birds which took the hit instead.

"Seriously? Wire magic?" Kirei asked flabbergasted.

"Don't underestimate the power of wires," Iris warned as wires erupted from the ground below Kirei and wrapped him, "You'll be shocked."

"waWawstsenblhlvtdyrsrfyhhbkyudyiphgctsyygtdryusbbhhfffttddrstudrursesrfxsezgxjxgcdrkt!" Kirei made weird noises upon being electrified, all his hair standing up.

"Bitch! Do it!" Iris told Maiya.

'BANG!' Maiya fired at Iris.

"OW! BITCH! THE FUCK?" Iris cursed holding her wounded shoulder.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Maiya yelled firing a shot that missed Iris' left ear.

"OH YEAH! DON'T SLEEP WITH MY HUSBAND!" Iris caught Maiya's gun hand with her wire magic and yanked Maiya towards herself and giving a sucker punch.

Maiya fell on the floor and dropped her gun. Before Maiya could recover Iris pounced at her and started pulling her hair. Maiya headbutted Iris and rolled over her accidentally tearing her dress.

Kirei, now free from the wires, watched what was quickly devolving into a cat-fight with a confused expression.

Back in the Einzbern mansion, Kiritsugu trained his gun at Lancer, knowing how useless that gesture would be with Lancer's speed, while Lancer poised his spears ready to strike at a moments notice.

"There'll be no more of that," Merlin appeared besides Kiritsugu, "Lancer, leave my master and take yours home." Lancer rushed to Kayneth's side while Kiritsugu dropped his aim.

"L..a..n...c...e..r?" Kayneth moaned in agony.

"I am here master," Lancer replied.

"L...a...t...e..."

"Forgive me master but I'm here now, I will take you to Lady Sola-Ui at once!" Lancer lifted Kayneth in his arms and rushed out of the castle.

"And once again you snatch victory from my jaws," Kiritsugu said.

"There is no victory in death, especially when fighting for world peace," Merlin's smirked smugly.

"Just whose team are you on?" Kiritsugu asked.

"The king's of course," Merlin replied.

Back with the said king and her knights, things were looking down for them as the horrors kept increasing in numbers, no thanks to the knights.

"Stop cutting them!" Arturia ordered her knights.

"Useless!" Kay cursed as Bors cut another horror in half, multiplying it. Kay turned to a sulking Galahad who was clutching his cross, "Galahad do something!"

"I can't the power of evil is too much!"

Kay turned to Tristan, "Tristan can you get those horrors?" Kay pointed to the horrors playing heavy metal.

"With the power of love, nothing is impossible!" Tristan declared training his arrows at the horrors.

"Alright, Galahad, when Tristan fires, you beg for God's help as hard as you can! Okay?" Kay told Galahad who nodded, Kay turned to Tristan, "Fire!"

"For Iseult, my beloved!" Tristan's arrows caught fire before he fired them at the heavy metal horrors. The arrows hit mark and the horrors burned.

On cue Galahad rose to his feet, raised his arms and declared to the seven heavens, "I seek Allah's refuge from Satan, the rejected one!"

Everything went quite, the knights, Caster and the horror all staring at the self-proclaimed Mighty Fighting Priest.

And then there was a storm, a storm like no other which picked up the horrors and Caster like feathers.

"No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Caster cursed to the seven hells before being blown away to God knows where.

"YOUR VIRGIN AIN'T IN THIS CASTLE! CHECK IN HELL!" Percival the Virgin Knight who wasn't virgin cursed with both his middle fingers raised.

The horrors started glowing and merging into one another till there were 18 horrors left. The horrors then started shifting their shape till they changed back into the kids Caster had brought. The children descended to the ground, sleeping blissfully. Of course the knights were still shocked by Galahad.

"What?" Galahad asked.

"You called the wrong God," Kay replied.

"It was a slip of tongue, and Arab Christians do call God Allah," Galahad tried to explain himself.

"What man calls God matters not," Merlin said appearing in the clearing, "What matters is that he calls God."

"And where were you sorcerer?" Kay asked.

"Didn't you read the note?" Merlin asked cheekily and before Kay could retort, "Now, let's check on the ladies."

The knights rushed to where Iris and Maiya were to find the women tearing away at each other while an electrified Kirei watched with amusement. Arturia's knights joined him.

"Why aren't you stopping them?" Arturia asked them.

"You do not understand the hearts of men!" Tristan replied.

"A real man would never stop a cat-fight!" Kay hooted.

"Hn!" Arturia grunted in annoyance before breaking Irisviel and Maiya apart, "Lady Irisviel! Maiya! Get a hold of yourself!"

"Indeed our king is a dragon," Agravain said.

"Aww! I wanted to see them fight," Mordred pouted.

"Say, how come you didn't attack them while they were fighting?" Bedivere asked Kirei.

"I wanted to see the Magus Killer's face when one of his women killed the other," The priest replied.

Just then Kiritsugu arrived at the scene and stood stock still at the sight of Iris and Maiya in tattered clothes. From the sight of wires around Kirei and all his hair standing he deduced that the priest must have been bound and shocked with electricity. Thus the women did this to each other.

"Kiri-kun, we can ex-"

"THREESOME! FOR WORLD PEACE!" Kiritsugu cheered with a peace symbol appearing behind him.

"What?" Iris asked.

"If that is your wish master," Maiya said lifting a protesting Iris on her shoulder.

"Wait! No way! It's not happening! Do you understand! It's never happening! Never! Never! Never!" Iris protested as she was carried away by Maiya.

"Interesting, the Magus Killer's mindset seems similar yet different from my own," Kirei noted before taking his leave, "May God be with you."

"And with you," Galahad replied to a retreating Kirei.

"Aren't you suppose to say Allah Hafiz?" Kay joked.

"THEY MEAN THE SAME THING AND I AM A CHRISTIAN!" Galahad yelled drawing out his shield ready to slam it on Kay only to be held back by Percival and Bors.

"Stop giving him a hard time Kay!" Arturia chastised Kay.

"Hey, I have no problem with his religious choices, I believe in secularity," Kay replied with hands raised.

"Why you-" Galahad was interrupted by Bedivere.

"Guys I believe we have been left behind," Bedivere said pointing out the absence of Kiritsugu.

"As in... we have been abandoned?" Mordred asked with watery eyes.

"No... They just forgot about us," Bedivere replied.

"How could they? WAAAA!" Mordred cried, "It's-It's just like the times when father says I'm not his son-"

"Quit your whining!" Arturia said, standing over Mordred with a smoking fist.

"Papaaa whyyy?" Mordred whined, the bump on her head smoking.

"So anyone has any idea where they are going?" Gwain asked the knights.

"Here! A map!" Merlin handed Arturia a map, "They are going to an old Japanese mansion that will one day be called-"

"Emiya Residence." Arturia said, crumbling the map in her hands, "So who's up for a ride?"

"Do we get horses?" Gareth asked.

"No we will get the awesome bike!" Gaheris said referring to the bike Arturia used in Fate/Zero.

"No, we get the car!" Gareth retorted.

"No, it will be the space ship," Gaheris retorted, referring to the one used by Mysterious Heroine X.

"Behold my steed!" Arturia said summoning her ride, **"** **UNIT LION!"**

The knights gaped like fish at the sight, "Nooooo."

Some time later the Knights of the Round Table were riding a giant musical lion through the streets, with Hakuna Matata playing. Saber rode in front with a happy moe expression while the knights sulked behind her. Mordred had been knocked out for calling Unit Lion stupid. Agravain was forced to walk behind for trying to poison the guests. Merlin chose to teleport the children they had rescued back to their homes.

Suddenly Unit Lion stopped moving, "Huh? Agravain, got a coin?"

"Ugh!" Agravain groaned giving Arturia a coin. He was also being punished for all the times that he said Arturia was not human. Lucky for him, Kiritsugu forgot to ask for the change Agravain got from Kaleidoburgers.

"Yet another long knight!" Bors complained, pun intended.

"At least no one's awake to see us," Percival consoled Bors.

"Momma! Look! Giant Simba!" A little girl said pointing at the knights on Unit Lion.

"Yes sweety! Now let us pretend we did not see that and walk away very quietly," the girl's mother said, scurrying away with her daughter.

"Percival, an important lesson. If something can go wrong, you don't say it!" Kay said.

"Like someone posting this online?" Percival asked.

Every knight got a notification at that instant.

"AAAAAAH!" The next instant Percival was running for his life from his fellow knights on Unit Lion which chased him at break-neck speeds with glowing red eyes and a heavy metal song, as Agravain inserted coins after coins furiously and Saber made an angry moe expression.

 **A/N: So about Tristan, no kidding guys, his lover and wife were both named Iseult but I guess you guys already knew that. Hope you guys enjoyed. A lot of you have been asking for Shirou, so rejoice because he should be making a few appearances in the coming chapters. The next chapter should be up next year... because today is the last day of 2016. Till then happy New Year!**


	9. Dream Cycle

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fate Zero, Fate Stay Night, Carnival Phantasm, any Fate series or any fictional work referred here.**

 **Dream Circle**

"When a master summons a servant for the Holy Grail War, a bond is formed between the two such that they can talk telepathically. This bond is required to create an understanding between the two which creates trust and teamwork. This bond is further enhanced by the dream cycle-"

"BOOORING!" A young adolescent girl with light brown hair and striped shirt yelled.

"Yeah! Get to the point already!" A little albino girl with red eyes and winter clothes agreed.

"What the! Taiga! Illya! Where did you two come from?"

"DON'T CALL ME TAIGA!" Fujimura Taiga growled.

"Scary..." Little Illyasviel whimpered.

"Well what are you two doing here?"

"Isn't it obvious? We're here for the Junior Taiga Dojo Session!" Taiga explained.

"Hai!" Illya nodded.

"We have that?"

"Of course! It's a must for every Fate series fanfic," Taiga said.

"But everyone does it!"

"That's exactly why it's a must!"

"But I don't wanna- Ittai!"

"Shut up!" Taiga said bringing out her cursed bokken.

"That's got to hurt..." Illya said rubbing her head in sympathy for Fujimura's victim.

"So dream cycle is what happens when the master and servant dream about each other's lifetime. Now without delay, let's start the dream cycles!"

"But wait! I wanted to diss Fate/Zero Berser-"

In an apartment in Fuyuki City, Diarmuid sat on the sofa in high school uniform looking downcast while Sola-Ui consoled him while Kayneth looked at him sternly.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANT TO JOIN AN ARTS COLLEGE? NO WAY! YOU ARE JOINING THE MILITARY LIKE ME, YOUR GRANDFATHER AND HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM AND THAT'S FINAL!"

"But father-" Lancer whined.

"DON'T FATHER ME! NO MEANS NO!"

"Now don't you dare use that tone with my baby boy," Sola-Ui warned Kayneth hugging Lancer's face to her bosoms.

"BUT-"

"Tone Kayneth!"

"But-"

"Kayneth..."

"Son," Kayneth sighed, "Sorry, but you are going to the army."

"But I don't want to join the army, I want to become a painter," Lancer complained.

"Listen to him Kayneth," Sola-Ui said, "He's a grown man now. You can't force him to do something he doesn't want to."

"As a matter of fact I can and I will and there is no force in this entire universe that- AAAAAAAAAH!" Kayneth was sent flying through the roof by a sword to his butt.

"Father!" Diarmuid cried out.

 **"Gao!"** Saber Lion burst through the sofa Kayneth was sitting on, wearing the same high school uniform as Diarmuid over her lion costume.

"Oh hey Lion! You came to pick me for our date?" Lancer asked.

 **"Gao!"** Saber Lion nodded.

"Let us go," Lancer held Saber Lion's hand.

"No way! Stay away from my boy you cradle stealer," Sola-Ui said crossing her hands and shaking her head to emphasize the point.

"Bye mom, tell father I'll be back by eight," Lancer bid Sola-Ui farewell before exiting the apartment with Lion.

"LANCER! NO! COME BACK!" Sola-Ui wailed grabbing Lancer's leg, she was dragged along the ground as Lancer walked with Lion holding each other's hand.

As soon as they crossed the road, Gilgamesh emerged from the Sesame Cave, wearing medieval Persian clothes and riding over the road with his Vimana at break-neck speeds cackling madly as he toyed with his treasures, "HAHAHAHAHAH! IT'S MINE! ALL MINE!"

Gilgamesh was chased by the Hundred Assassins riding over horses with their scimitars unsheathed, wearing medieval Arab dress.

"GET BACK HERE! THAT'S OUR LOOT!" Hassan yelled as they chased after Gilgamesh.

The Assassins chased after Archer, only to turn around and run in the opposite direction while Iskander and his Ionioi Hetairoi chased them.

"Why are we chasing Assassin?" Waver asked Rider.

"Why not?" Rider asked back.

And the Rider's army left a huge sandstorm in its wake that covered the entire city. When the dust cleared it revealed a huge crowd wielding torches and pitchforks crying for Giles' and Uryuu's blood. Caster and Uryuu were crucified on stakes. Leading the crowd was Kirei Kotomine and Risei Kotomine.

"My brothers and sisters, today we have gathered to punish these two sorcerer's for killing hundreds of innocent children and performing black magic! They shall be burned!" Risei declared.

"Yeah!" The crowd cheered.

"Any last wishes?" Kirei asked Uryuu holding up a torch.

"Can you make this slow and painful?" Uryuu requested with a smile.

"And you?" Kirei asked Giles.

"Hound! Stay away from my Jeanne!" Giles cursed at someone standing in the distance, though Kirei couldn't tell where Caster was looking with those fish-like eyes.

"Request denied!" Kirei said with glee before setting them on fire.

Far from the angry crowd, at a park, the Emiya family and Knights of the Round watched the scene. Gareth and Gaheris were fighting for Gwain's attention, Galahad, Percival and Bors were searching for some holy cup which upon discovery would allegedly kill two of them. Merlin was hiding from the angry mob. And Saber was watching Caster and Uryuu burn, with a red haired teen with amber eyes at her side.

"Foul creature, even at death he refuses to accept that I'm not Jeanne!" Saber cursed Caster,

"Not everyone can be saved Saber, though I wish I could save them as well," Shirou sighed.

"Oh Shirou! You are too kind!"

"And you are too beautiful," Shirou flirted lifting Arturia's chin up and drawing in for a kiss..

"Oh Shirou-kun..." Arturia replied closing her eyes.

"Saber..." Their lips almost touched when...

"Hold it right there!" Mordred ruined the moment.

"Mordred! What are you doing here?" Arturia asked angrily.

"You! Are you trying to be my new mom?" Mordred asked Shirou.

"If Saber's your dad then I suppose... yes..." Shirou replied.

"You can't!"

"Why not?"

"Because... because I want you!" Mordred replied with a blush.

"I want Shirou too!" Rin said grabbing him.

"I want Sempai too!" Sakura said grabbing him.

"Me too!" Medusa said grabbing him.

"I want him!" Luvia said grabbing him.

"I want him too!" Caren said grabbing him.

"I want nii-san!" Miyu said grabbing him.

"I also want Aniki!" Illyasviel said grabbing him.

"I want Onii-chan!" Chloe said grabbing him.

"Wait a moment! You can't just want the same guy, there a lot of nice guys in this world," Shirou tried reasoning with the girls.

"Oh Sir Emiya!" Tristan cried out, "You must accept the love of these maidens!"

"Tristan! You can't just force people to accept other people's love!" Saber chastised Tristan.

"You do not understand the hearts of the men!" Tristan retorted.

"Indeed," Agravain agreed, "The king is-" Kay and Bedivere shut Agravain's mouth and dragged him away.

"Shut up Agravain!" Saber told Agravain before turning to Tristan, "And you Tristan, do not understand the hearts of the women!"

"Sir Emiya!" Tristan fell on his knees and pleaded with Shirou, "Please in the name of love! Do not break hearts of these maidens!"

"Are you even listening?!" Arturia asked, face red with anger.

"Well when you put it that way..." Shirou pondered over Tristan's words.

"Shirou!" Saber exclaimed.

"You!" Kiritsugu arrived bringing out his Thompson Contender, "Who in the name of world peace do you think you are getting cozy with my daughters?" Kiritsugu asked, while he and Maiya pointed guns at Shirou.

"Your son."

A long pause.

"Are you Iris'?

"No."

"Maiya's?"

"No."

"Natalia's?"

"No."

"Shirley's?"

"No."

"A random woman I met?"

"No, I'm adopted," Shirou replied, "Does that make it any less awkward?"

"No."

"I can't believe it!" Irisviel said looking worse for wear, "You raised a son 'cough' just like-h you!"

"If it makes you feel better, I was not there for him for most of his life," Kiritsugu said.

"No-'cough' it- doesn'-'cough!'"

"Iris are you okay?" Kiritsugu asked.

'Cough cough!' Iris collapsed and vomited some black mud.

"Oh God! Someone call the doctor!"

 **"Berserker!"** Lancelot arrived wearing a doctor coat over his grey armour.

"Make way for the doctor!" Kariya arrived also in doctor get up.

Berserker checked Iris with stethoscope before giving the verdict, **"Berserker Berserker! Berserker Berserker!"**

"There's something inside her, get her to an X-ray machine," Kariya translated.

An X-ray machine appeared out of nowhere and scanned Irisviel, it showed a cup stuck in her throat leaking some black substance.

"We have to operate!" Kariya told Kiritsugu.

"But we have no money!" Kiritsugu said.

"Sorry boss! But no money, no honey," Tokiomi replied drinking wine at a corner in the operation theatre.

"Hey! You're not a doctor! Who the fuck let you in?" Kariya asked Tokiomi angrily.

Aoi entered the theatre apologizing on Tokiomi's behalf, "I'm sorry doctor, my husband does weird stuff when he's drunk."

"No problem, you can stay here as looong as you like," Kariya replied grinning like a lovestruck teenager with hearts in his eyes.

 **"Berrr..."** Lancelot coughed bringing Kariya's attention back to Irisviel's plight.

"Oh right! Mr Emiya, there is nothing to worry about, it's a very simple procedure and for free too."

The next moment the doctors were hitting the homunculus' back.

"ACK!" Irisviel spat the foul cup out. At that moment, Galahad, Percival and Bors entered the theatre and surround the cup.

"Look! It's the Holy Grail!" Galahad said.

"There's something written on it," Bors said rubbing the lamp before reading out what was written, "Do not rub the grail."

Just then black mud burst out of the Holy Grail like a geyser as black clouds covered the sky all over the Earth, making it look black from the outer space.

The mud took form of a giant black featureless humanoid.

 **"I am Angra Mainyu, the eternal Avenger, speak your wish so that I may kill you, your family, friends, neighbours... basically the whole humanity,"** Avenger said before turning to Percival, **"Though I might wait till you've had sex, even I'm not evil enough to kill virgins."**

"I am not a virgin!" Percival replied angrily.

 **"Then have no regrets. Behold! All the World's Evil!"** A huge portal appeared above Avenger leaking foul black mud on Earth, burning everything it touched.

"You will be the one full of regrets!" Shirou said, "Hyaa!" He transformed into his future version, the EMIYA theme playing on cue, **"Unlimited Blade Works!"** The world turned into a wasteland filled with swords of all shapes and sizes ready to skewer Avenger and the sky had gears running in it.

Arturia joined him and used, **"Excalibur!"**

 **"Enamu Alish!"** Gilgamesh used Ea.

 **"Ionioi Hetairoi!"** Rider summoned his army.

 **"Gae Buidhe!"** Lancer threw his yellow spear at Avenger.

 **"Gao!"** Saber Lion used Meatcalibur.

 **"Berrrserker!"** Lancelot used Arondight.

 **"Giga Horror!"** Giles de Rais summoned a huge squid monster.

 **"Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood Air Assassination!"** All the Assassins performed air assassination together wearing AC costume.

 **"Cybele, The Mystic Eyes of Petrification!"** Medusa uncovered her mystic eyes of petrification.

 **"Excalibur Galantine!"** Gwain let loose an energy blast from his sword.

 **"For Brother Gwain!"** Gareth and Gaheris attacked together.

 **"Clarent Blood Arthur: Rebellion Against My Beautiful Father!"** Mordred's sword turned demonic and shot red lightning.

 **"FOR SIR EMIYA! ISEULT MY LOVE! AND ISEULT MY WIFE!"** Tristan fired a volley of arrows burning with bright blue fire.

 **"Lord Camelot: Ultimate Shield Bash!"** Galahad bashed Camelot into Avenger.

 **"Fur Blancfleur!"** Percival slashed the air.

 **"Expecto Patronum MAXIMA!"** Merlin unleashed a huge patronus spell in the shape of a fairy.

 **"Switch On! Airgetlám Be My Sword!"** Bedivere's metal arm turned into a golden sword ready to fire.

 **"Stab!"** Kay stabbed forward.

 **"Punch!"** Agravain punched the air.

 **"Compensation joke!"** Bors threw his sword at Avenger.

 **"Thompson Contender: Origin Round!"** Kiritsugu shot his special bullet.

 **"Wire Magic: Electrocution!"** Irisviel launched live wires at Avenger.

 **"Machine gun!"** Maiya unloaded her cartridge upon Avenger.

 **"Sapphire Blast!"** Luvia and Miyu used Kaleidostick Sapphire.

 **"Ruby Blast!"** Illyasviel used Kaleidostick Ruby.

 **"Jeweled Sword Zeltrech!"** Rin used Zeltrech's jewel sword.

 **"Install: Caladbolg II!"** Chloe fired Caladbolg using Archer Class Card.

 **"Gem magic!"** Tokiomi threw gems at Avenger.

 **"Bug Swarm Attack!"** Kariya set a swarm of magic bugs at Avenger.

 **"Keyblade Barrage!"** Risei, Kirei and Caren threw a barrage of keyblades at Avenger.

 **"Hydrargyrum!"** Kayneth and Waver used hydrargyrum.

 **"Sehai-kun!"** Sakura spat black mud at Avenger.

 **"Taiga Shinai!"** Taiga slashed down on Avenger with her cursed shinai.

From the outer space, the Earth which was covered in black mist shone bright white before exploding into a peace symbol.

"AAH!" Kiritsugu woke up with a start, drenched in cold sweat. He calmed his nerves and decided to have some water but couldn't get up from the bed, his arms bound by some weights. He turned left to see Irisviel sleeping beside him, he turned right to see Maiya sleeping beside him.

"Never having a threesome again," Kiritsugu promised himself before going back to sleep.

 **A/N: Then again he just might. Just to be clear, everything after the title till the part Kiritsugu wakes up was Kiritsugu's dream. As promised, I got Shirou here, even if in a dream, but hey that's definitely not the last of him. It's probably obvious but does anyone know who the first person talking about dream cycle was? Or the reference I made with the Holy Grail and Bors? Or with Avenger? Or Assassins and Gilgamesh? Yup. definitely obvious. Do not skip the next chapter.**


	10. Fate Grand Character Update

**A/N: So I'm back with yet another chapter. Yes it's a chapter with a few character updates, thus part of the story so do not skip. Hope you enjoy.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fate Zero, Fate Stay Night, Carnival Phantasm, Fate Grand Order or any Fate series or any fictional work referred here.**

 **Fate Grand Character Update**

A brand new morning greeted the new residents of newly renamed Emiya Residence who slept peacefully.

Gareth was the first to wake up. Gareth went to the bathroom, answered nature's call, had a face wash, looked into the mirror and screamed, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Gareth screamed when he saw his reflection, for it was the reflection of a teenage girl with pale blonde hair and lavender eyes. Gareth's felt his face and the woman in the mirror felt hers. Gareth lifted his shirt and it was confirmed he had become she.

"What's the matter?" Agravain asked entering the bathroom, "Why are you screaming like a girl?" He grinned.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Gareth screamed, terrified by Agravain's grin which revealed his shark-like teeth and gleaming amber eyes.

Agravain turned to the mirror and screamed, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

All the knights except Tristan, Galahad and Merlin arrived at the bathroom.

Arturia asked "What's the matter? Why are you- Oh my God! Gareth is that you?"

"Uh huh!" Gareth nodded shyly aware of all the knights staring at her.

"Cover your chest!" Arturia ordered.

"Ah! Look away!" Gareth yelped as she covered her breasts with her shirt.

"How did it happen?" Gwain asked.

"Don't tell me you were also always a girl?" Kay asked.

"If she was don't you think we, her brothers, would know?" Agravain asked with a shark-like sneer.

"Oh God! Close your mouth Agravain!" Kay turned away from Agravain.

"Guess who's not human anymore?" Arturia smirked.

"Damn it!" Agravain sneered, looking like an angry shark.

"So, Gareth is a girl now? Which means I'm now Gwain's favourite brother!" Gaheris cheered.

"NOOOO!" Gareth cried out, "I can no longer be Gwain's favourite brother!"

"That may be, but you can most certainly be Gwain's favourite and only baby sister," Merlin said appearing out of thin air, his long messy hair shining so much like rainbow under the sun even Rainbow Dash would be jealous. He walked close to Gareth and whispered in her ear, "In fact you can be more than a sister to him if you know what I mean?"

"M-me a-and b-brother Gwain like that?" Gareth spluttered incoherently, her face as red as a tomato just from the mental image of Gwain and her having non-sibling love.

"Merlin! This is your doing isn't it?" Gwain asked angrily, "Whatever you have done to them undo it right now!"

"I'm afraid I had no hand in it," Merlin said.

"Merlin, you are the only mage powerful and devious enough to pull... this off," Bedivere said pointing at Gareth and Agravain with his metal arm.

"Woah! Bedivere! Your arm!" Mordred said.

"What about it?" Bedivere asked inspecting his arm.

"It's metal," Mordred replied.

"What are you talking about? It has always been metal."

"Oh really? Well it looks shinier than usual," Mordred complimented, embarrassed at not having noticed it before.

"Thanks, I polished it last night," Bedivere said.

"Anyway, Merlin if you would please fix whatever you've done to them," Arturia asked of Merlin.

"I'm afraid there's a force greater than me at work here," Merlin replied, "Namely character update."

"Character update?" The knights asked Merlin.

"Our wikis were updated quite a while ago. And according to it, Gareth is a girl and Agravain looks like a shark. I even got the rainbow hair, beautiful isn't it?"

"Of course Rainbow Dash," Kay quipped wryly.

"And those two are not the only characters updated," Someone said. The knights turned to find a busty teenage girl with bob cut light pink hair and purple armour and a huge purple shield with the cross over it.

"Who're you?" Kay asked.

"Shielder."

"Galahad?" Arturia asked.

"Nope, I'm Shielder. I'm the fusion of Galahad and a teenage girl with amnesia. Though you may call me Mashu as well."

"So that's what happens when a man and a woman love each other, eh? Percival, you better stay virgin," Mordred joked, "OW!" Only to be smacked hard in her head, "Papa..."

"I didn't do that," Arturia said.

"I am not virgin!" Percival said holding up his smoking fist.

"Galahad, you lost me," Bors said, "Get it? Because I'm Bors, which is how a Japanese person would say balls. Same applies to you Gareth."

"Bors... Not now," Arturia reproached Bors.

"Are you okay?" Bedivere asked Shielder.

"I'm used to it," Shielder shrugged.

"Does menstruation hurt?" Gareth asked.

"Oh boy..." Mashu sighed.

"Anyone else that'd like to come out with their real gender?" Kay asked sarcastically.

Just then someone started playing a depressing tune.

"Who's playing emo music so early in the morning?" Kay asked.

Just then an effeminate man with long wavy red hair playing some depressing tune on a harp entered, he wore grey jacket and black pants reminiscent of the rock stars of the 70's. Just looking at his face one could tell he had not smiled since the day he was born.

"Who're you supposed to be?" Kay asked rudely.

The man stopped playing and answered, "Tristan."

"Don't tell me you got turned into a woman as well?" Arturia asked.

"No, just an emo," Tristan replied, "I mean have you seen this face, it's so emo, it's this face's permanent expression. Even Uchiha Sasuke's like 'cheer up bro!' Between this face and Bedivere's, it's no wonder no one realized that the king was not a man. And what's with this harp? It's like I'm supposed to play emo songs my whole life. Just looking at it fills my head with emo soundtracks."

"It's not so bad," Arturia consoled Tristan, "Your features compliment your character as the tragic hero of Leonis, your birth was tragic, life was tragic and death was tragic. Even your name means sad or sorrowful."

"You do not understand the hearts of men," Tristan said in a tone devoid of passion, all it conveyed was sorrow.

"Oh God! That sounded so emo! No one should ever sound so emo! Merlin you have to do something!" Arturia ordered Merlin.

"It's not that simple!" Merlin tried to explain.

"I don't care just do it!" Saber insisted.

"What's with all the ruckus?" A man asked.

"Oh Master Emiya, we- what the?" Bedivere paused upon the sight before him.

Kiritsugu was dressed in red hooded overcoat, a black muffler and black jeans his Japanese features didn't look so Japanese anymore with tanned skin, grey eyes and grey hair. Irisviel was dressed in a revealing black gown with red trimmings and a black and red crown, she was smiling at everyone like they were lunch and dragging Maiya who was bounded, gagged and actually looked terrified for her life for once.

"My my, looks like some of you got a makeover. You all look so delicious," Black Iri said licking her lips hungrily making all the knights shudder, "You look like a candy puff," Black Iri told Merlin gleefully.

"Not now dear," EMIYA Kiritsugu said, "Just wait for the burgers to arrive for world peace," A peace symbol appeared over his head.

"Nice EMIYA costume..." Tristan told Kiritsugu dryly.

"It's actually called becoming a Counter Guardian and it's not a fun job, especially when your wife keeps trying to eat you and your lover," Kiritsugu scowled, "Merlin you will undo whatever you have done to us."

"I keep telling you-" Merlin was interrupted by a gun pointed at him, "Now there's no need for violence."

"I don't care! Just return us to normal!" EMIYA Kiritsugu told the rainbow haired mage.

"As comfortable as I am as Mashu, I am not exactly looking forward to periods and would like to appear as myself," Shielder said.

"Ha! She made a period joke!" Bors cheered raising his hand for a high five which no one was stupid enough to return in presence of four warrior women and one man-eating lady.

"What you ask of me involves a very powerful, very long and overly complicated magic ritual and I can't guarantee perfect results," Merlin explained, "Plus it would cut into my favourite shows."

"Please!" Agravain pleaded with a smile revealing his sharp teeth.

"Oh God! Okay I'll do it, just keep your mouth shut!" Merlin agreed.

The ritual was indeed long and overly complicated like Merlin said. He started early morning and by sunset, it still wasn't over.

"Just how much longer?" Arturia asked.

"I told you it's a long and overly complicated ritual!" Merlin replied.

"You're just pulling our legs aren't you?" Kay asked in annoyance.

"I'm missing Friends, Simpsons, South Park, Pokemon, Case Closed, Yu Yu Hakusho and Dragonball for this, a little faith would be appreciated," Merlin retorted.

"We appreciate your sacrifice," Agravain said with a smile revealing his teeth.

"Oh God! Just don't smile! Like ever!" Merlin told Agravain, "Now for the final part," Merlin waved his staff and chanted, **"Abracadabra! Sim Sala Grimm! Akkar Bakkar! Giligiligilichoo! Shakalaka Boom Boom! Dun dun dun!"**

There was a bright flash which engulfed the four updated knights. When the flash subdued, Kiritsugu, Irisviel, Galahad and Agravain were back to normal. Merlin retained his rainbow hair. Tristan still looked like a rock star but a masculine and passionate one, his costume now a hybrid between a medieval knight and a 70's rock star, and his long wavy red hair now tied back by a headband with a heart on it. Gareth remained a girl.

"What's going on? Why is my brother still my sister?" Gwain asked Merlin angrily.

"I don't mind staying a girl," Gareth said with a blush, "For big brother's sake."

"You fiend! What dirty thoughts have you been putting in my sister's head?" Gwain asked grabbing Merlin by the collar, "Change her back! Change her back!"

"I can't, my magic will have no effect on those who don't want to change," Merlin explained.

"Bullshit! You turned the king into a real man! Now turn this girl back to my brother!"

"Big brother? Don't you like me anymore?" Gareth asked with teary eyes upset over the way Gwain said 'this girl'.

"I never said that-" Gwain tried to explain but Gareth didn't seem to listen.

"WAAAAAH!" Gareth ran to her room crying.

"Wait! Ugh!" Gwain glared at Merlin, "You're dead meat!" He threatened Merlin before running to Gareth's room.

Gaheris tiptoed behind Merlin and murmured, "Is there a female version of me?"

"I don't know, but we can make one if you want," Merlin whispered back.

Iris, now back in her white gown, stretched her arms and rubbed her eyes, "Ah!" Only to jump in fright at seeing Maiya gagged, bound and terrified, "Just what happened last night?" She asked Kiritsugu.

"Last night was good," Kiritsugu replied, "It's what followed that was terrifying and shall remain buried for world peace." A peace symbol appeared over his black hair.

Agravain checked the mirror, "Now I am missing the shark-look," His teeth turned sharp before turning normal, "Splendid!"

"Well Tristan, seems you like the emo harp anyway," Kay joked.

"FOOL!" Tristan raised his harp, "MUSIC!" He drew all the strings back, "IS!" And fired, "LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!"

'BOOM!' Tristan's attack was heard throughout all of Japan and neighbouring countries, the attack blasted off the roof of the Emiya Residence and hit the moon creating a huge red heart-shaped crater that couldn't possibly be missed no matter where on Earth one lived because the moon was nearly covered by it. To make matters worse it also had 'Tristan loves Iseult' written on it in an old English font. To make matters even worse, the moon's rotation and revolution in relation to the earth always makes sure that the people on earth always see the same side of the moon.

Tristan looked up proudly at his handiwork while all the knights and magi were too stunned to say anything.

"I am not fixing that," Merlin said with both his hands raised before vanishing into rainbow glitter leaving the dumbfounded knights and magi gaping at the moon.

 **A/N: Like many of you requested, I finally used Fate Grand Order versions of the knights, even added EMIYA(Assassin) and Black Iri, only to turn most of them back to the previous versions. I did that coz I haven't played Fate GO and most of my knowledge comes from TYPE MOOn Wiki and TVTropes. Though I kept Gareth(Couldn't find her picture or physical appearance though and no info on her NP yet so I'll probably make something up), Tristan(An upbeat EMIYA fanboy version), Agravain(Can switch his shark mode on and off) and Merlin(Doesn't look all that rainbowy in the pictures I found but for Rainbow Dash jokes, he still has rainbow hair). As for Bedivere he always had a metal arm(Now he gets Airgetlám as well).**


	11. Did You Just Call Me Shorty?

**A/N: Hey guys! I'm back with another chapter. This time with Rider and Waver. Hope you guys enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Fate franchise and its characters. I also do not own other fictional works referred here.**

 **Did You Just Call Me Shorty?**

It was almost noon outside the MacKenzie residence, not that it mattered to Waver Velvet who'd rather sleep off the whole day like college students.

'FLUSH!' Waver was woken up by the sound of the flush as he watched Rider walk out of the attached bathroom looking more haggard than ever in his white muscle T-shirt with the world map printed on it and blue jeans.

"Still feeling the after-party hangover?" Waver asked drowsily.

"I am much better now! All thanks to your potions!" Rider replied cheerfully.

"I guess you do feel better," Waver remarked, "So what have we learnt about holding a meeting with angry servants at house of an infamous assassin?"

"Prepare food by yourself and always check for poison," Iskander answered undaunted by the previous night's events.

"You've learnt nothing," Waver said before going to the bathroom to freshen up.

"You are right, it was quite the disaster. Though Caster never showed up, I wonder if he would be interested in joining us?"

"Idiot!" Waver said from the other side of the door, "You want to ask Caster to join us? He's a psychopath and so is his master!"

"You don't know that!"

"The human skull and the book made from human skin are clues enough!"

"Hmmm... I suppose they are! Good job master! You have finally started contributing to our partnership! At this rate you will grow up to be a fine young man!"

'FLUSH!' 'SLAM!' Waver slammed the toilet door open, looking at Rider with a queer expression, "Did you just call me a shorty?"

"I did not use that word-"

"DID YOU JUST SAY THAT I AM NOT TALL ENOUGH TO BE CONSIDERED AN ADULT AND THAT IT WOULD TAKE ME CENTURIES TO GROW TALL ENOUGH TO BE CONSIDERED ONE?"

"I neither specified age nor time," Iskander replied raising both his hands up in defence.

"WHY YOU! I'LL SHOW YOU!" Waver pulled out a few vials and mixed their contents together furiously before aiming the mouth of the vials at Iskander, 'PEW! PEW!' Which fired laser beams, "CAN A SHORTY DO THIS? CAN A SHORTY DO THIS? HUH? C'MON! TELL ME!" Waver asked firing rounds of laser beams at his servant.

"MASTER FORGIVE ME! I WILL NEVER IMPLY THAT YOU ARE SHORT AGAIN!" Rider pleaded for mercy. Mercy for Rider came in form of a knock on the door interrupting Waver's onslaught.

"Waver? What's going on?" a woman asked from the other side of the door.

"Nothing grandma Martha!" Waver replied, "Just an anime I was watching."

"Okay... Breakfast is ready! Come down soon!" Martha told Waver.

Waver signalled Iskander to go invisible and fixed the room swiftly before changing into a pair of jeans, white shirt and green sweater. He walked downstairs to find a scruffy old man reading English newspaper on the dining table while drinking a cup of tea while an old lady with glasses prepared pancakes for Waver by the kitchen counter.

"Ah! Good morning Waver!" The old man greeted upon seeing Waver, "Prepared for another day in the land of the rising sun?"

"Of course grandpa Glen!"

"Bah! How many times do we have to tell you that just grandpa and grandma are fine! I mean, how many grandparents do you even have?"

"Eh?"

"Oh Glen! Quit pulling your grandson's leg will ya," Martha chastised Glen before turning to Waver with a worried expression, "Though Waver, you should come back early today, there's a serial killer out on the loose."

"A serial killer?" Waver asked with interest.

"Bah! Just rumours of kids going missing," Glen dismissed, "There's even been this one about a bunch of bulls grazing about the neighbourhood; a giant musical lion with knights riding over it; and child detectives."

"Uh..." Waver felt hot under the collar.

"It came in the news Glen!" Martha told Glen.

"The news also said something about an epic anime battle at the docks between drug addicts and showed cow dung and vomit as proof!" Glen rebuffed.

"I've gotta go! See you later!" Waver took his leave, rushed out of the house and ran till he reached the marketplace.

"So what's the plan?" Rider asked still in astral form.

"Since your negotiations failed, I say we win this the hard way," Waver answered, "Starting with Caster."

"Oh? Why Caster?"

"Because I know where he is?"

"Don't we know where all the servants are?"

"Well, Kayneth's hideout blew up, Assassin's master lives at the Church which is a neutral area, I doubt Saber's master will stay back at the mansion after yesterday and I'd rather not deal with Archer yet."

"Hmm... Fair enough, so where do we find Caster?"

"Well..." Waver pulled out a map with a lot of marks, "While you were partying yesterday night, I did some research-"

"You mean you took shit from every sewer in Fuyuki?" Rider joked.

"Yes," Waver replied unamused, "And I deduced that Caster is here," Waver pointed at a point on map marked by a circle.

"Based on how much shit you got," Iskander added with a grin.

"Another shit joke and I'll loose it," Waver warned.

"You said it, not me," Iskander grinned.

"Shut up and summon your bullocks!" Waver ordered.

Iskander did as asked and soon they were at Caster's supposed hideout. Rider and Waver entered the sewers which got darker and colder every second. But they found no sign of Caster or his master.

"Are you sure this is the right place?" Rider asked.

"Yeah! Look! They even labelled it!" Waver pointed at the wall which had 'Uryuu and Blue Beard's Gallery' written on it.

"Oh dear..." Rider said dumbstruck by what he saw.

"What happened?" Waver asked.

"Master, you might not want to look," Rider warned Waver.

"Don't be silly Rider, I'm a grown man now, there's nothing-" Waver paused as he beheld the sight before him, of hundreds of children lying dead all over the place. Some had been cut and sewn together in mismatched parts, some were crucified of which some were still alive.

"BLAEGH! AGH! UGH!" Waver vomited like never before.

"I know disgusting right?" Someone said.

Rider and Waver turned to find Assassin, who looked sick despite his mask, a little bit vomit smeared on his mask.

"Assassin! What are you doing here?" Waver asked.

"We're tracking Caster and his master," Assassin replied.

"You know where they are?"

"Yeah! They are in Miyama town, buying some new tools for- you know this."

"Wow, you have a rather weak stomach for an Assassin," Rider noted.

"Oh yeah! You're rather huge for a Rider!" Assassin retorted.

The air turned cold all of a sudden, as Rider glared at Assassin with a stone cold face, "Did you just call me fat?"

"No one used that word-"

"DID YOU JUST SAY THAT I'M SO HUGE THAT I CAN'T FIT IN MY CHARIOT AND EVEN IF I DID MY CHARIOT WOULD BREAK ON ME AND THAT MO AND MO COULD NOT LIFT ME TOGETHER EVEN IF THEY WERE ON STEROIDS?"

"You know what?" Assassin sighed as all his hundred split-personalities appeared behind him, "Maybe I did, what will you do about it?"

" **Ionioi Hetairoi!"** Iskander declared solemnly and soon the world shifted like a mirage before everyone found themselves in middle of a desert, under an intense sun. Soon footsteps were heard which grew louder and louder till the Assassins spotted a huge army marching towards them quickly. Within a minute the army was right in front of them. Seeing the army the Assassins were having a breakdown.

"We're doomed! We're doomed!" Zayd cursed.

"It's like the Mongol Horde all over again!" Ruqsana said, suffering a PTSD attack.

"You wish to leave a dagger at Iskander's bed?" Al Tair asked Hassan.

"Definitely!" Hassan told Al Tair.

"Any last words?" Rider asked.

"We are sorry, we did not mean to call you fat!" Bilal said on behalf of all the Assassins.

"My men! These people think we are fat! Let us show them how fat we are!" "Iskander said raising his spatha.

"YEAH!" The army charged at them.

"What do we do now?" Bilal asked Hassan.

"There's only one thing to do when facing such odds," Hassan replied taking out a bomb shell.

"But isn't it Haram?" Shaikh asked.

"Like I say, nothing is Haram, everything is Halal," Hassan said.

"Amen," The Assassins said taking out their bomb shells.

"Rider! Be careful!" Waver warned Rider.

As the army got close the Assassins threw the smoke bombs on the ground creating a huge smoke screen.

'Cough! Cough!' Rider's army coughed, when the smoke cleared the Assassins were gone. Rider turned around scanning for the Assassins and making sure Waver and his men were okay. When he was sure that the Assassins were gone, he raised his spatha releasing some sparks and yelled, "VICTORY!"

"YAY!" Rider's army cheered with him.

"The fuck just happened?" Waver asked himself.

"Didn't I tell you? This is my ultimate Noble Phantasm, all my friends, my comrades who stood with me on my quest to reach Oceanus! This is Ionioi Hetairoi!"

"Wasn't your dream world conquest?"

"But to reach Oceanus, I have to conquer the world!"

"Why?" Waver asked with a stoic face.

"Because I'm not sure which part of the globe the ocean is at."

"Isn't Oceanus suppose to be the Easternmost ocean?"

"Fool! The Earth is round, it has no Easts and no Wests!"

"But-"

"Let it go kid, you'll just have to get used to it," A soldier told Waver.

"Yes, never mind. So what do we do about Caster?" Waver asked.

"I say we raze Caster's hideout to the ground!" Iskander roared.

"YEAH!" The soldiers cheered.

"Or! We could rescue the survivors, wait for Caster and his mater and ambush them?" Waver suggested.

Four hours later, Waver sat in uncomfortable silence and Rider was making a mess out of the hideout as they waited for Giles de Rais and Ryuunosuke Uryuu. They had already sent the survivors to the hospital and set the dead to peace.

Waver decided to break the silence, "I never realized you were sensitive about your..."

"My weight? Bah! I was just pulling Assassin's leg!" Rider grinned as he blew a hole through the roof.

"Oh! You gave me quite the scare!" Waver sighed.

"I was inspired by your outrage this morning!" Rider said giving Waver a thumbs up.

"Hehehe! I think your outrage was way scarier than mine," Waver said chuckling nervously.

"Really?" Rider asked, stopping his demolition work.

"At this point I'd say you're higher on Assassin's shit list than Archer," Waver replied.

"Marvellous! I can't wait to rub it in Archer's face!"

"It's not something to brag about, Assassin might leave a dagger at your bed," Waver smirked.

"Hahaha!" They laughed.

"No I'm serious, last time you rammed him with MoMo he left a dagger at my bed," Waver said seriously.

"Oh my! Now that's being over sensitive!" Rider replied.

There was a lull in their conversation as master and servant got comfortable with each other.

"You know," Rider said breaking the silence, "When I was your age I was very short and skinny. You might say I was outright girly. My father hated me for it. He thought I was unfit to inherit his throne. The day he died I swore I would prove him wrong, by ruling over an empire so much larger than his. In fact I would rule the whole world and build it's capital at the shores of Oceanus."

"I know Rider," Waver replied with a soft smile, "In fact when I first saw you I thought I summoned the wrong servant. You looked nothing like the short clean-shaved man described in your biography."

"Why? Didn't Aristotle write about my growth spurt?"

"No."

"Dammit Aristotle! You had one job!"

"Hahahahaha!" They laughed together.

"It's been more than three hours," Waver noted, "What's taking them so long?"

"Perhaps Caster got into a conflict with another servant! Waver! We have to go now!" Iskander summoned MoMo.

"Rider! Wait for me!" Waver jumped onto the chariot and they rode off to Miyama town in search of Caster and his master.

As soon as they left, Caster and Uryuu arrived at the hideout looking worse for wear. Their grief reached a new high upon seeing the state their murder gallery was in.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" They cried to the seven heavens and the seven hells.

After a two hour long search at Miyama Town turned up nothing, Rider and Waver decided to head home.

"I guess we go to their hideout at night," Waver suggested.

"I doubt they will stay there when they see the mess we made," Rider said.

"I'd still like to try, for sake of those children," Waver said.

"Wow Waver! You are motivated about this!"

"Yeah... Hey, since when did you start calling me by my name?"

"Why? We are partners, are we not?"

"Guess you're right about that."

"Does that mean I can show myself to the MacKenzies?"

"Might as well, with all the noise you make it's a wonder they haven't found you yet."

"And I get the bed?"

"Don't push it."

And so Waver and Rider returned at the MacKenzie Residence. After a while Waver told the old couple about Iskander, who was sitting on the couch in his favourite T-shirt and jeans.

"This is my friend Rider Iskander. He is doing Ph.D. in Geography at my college. He's here on a workshop. I hope you don't mind if he stays with us for a few days."

Martha and Glen looked at Rider who waved at them with a friendly smile and then at each other before Martha tried sharing their concern.

"Waver... umm... we don't mind you bringing friends but... umm..."

"We are worried about you making friends with men much older than yourself," Glen finished for Martha.

Waver pulled out a locket and swung it in front of the old couple who went in a trance-like state, "Now, now, Rider's not all that old. There is nothing to worry about. He's only here for a few days. So he can stay right?"

"Yes, he can stay." Martha and Glen said together in a trance.

"Good, now how about you both go to your beds."

"As you wish." The old couple walked to their bedroom mechanically.

"So that went smoothly," Rider remarked startling Waver.

"Ah! Dammit Rider, give some warning will you?" Waver said before rushing upstairs towards his bedroom followed by Rider, "You know I kind of feel bad about manipulating them like this."

"Like making them believe you are their grandson and using their resources?" Rider asked as they entered the bedroom.

"Yeah I mean that's- BULLOCKS! NOT AGAIN!" Waver cursed when he saw his bed. On his pillow was a blackish purple dirk with a note attached.

Waver grabbed the note and read it aloud, "Rider, you are officially number two on my shit list, just behind Caster. Assassin. P.S: Throw the dagger outside the window so that Amina may collect it."

Waver looked outside the window to find a little girl with a familiar bone mask waving at them. Waver threw the dagger towards her which she caught before vanishing.

"Damn! How do they get past my wards?" Waver wondered.

"I hear Assassin is good at parkour!" Rider replied scratching his beard in thought, "Hmm... So Caster is number one? Perhaps he would be interested in hunting Caster with us."

"Umm... Rider, you're number two on his shit list, and that literally makes you the shit of his list," Waver said seriously.

"Marvellous! I will call Archer and tell him he's number three! And ask him if he would be interested in joining us!"

"I don't like where this is going..."

"In fact let us ask all the servants to aide us in defeating Caster!"

"Rider the last time all the servants gathered you got stomach cramps and loose motions, and the time before that we nearly got eaten alive!"

"But this will be the first time all the seven servants gather at one place!"

"But- Really? What about yesterday?"

"Caster arrived just after all the servants had left."

"And the day before yesterday?"

"Caster arrived for a few seconds and left before I, Archer and Berserker arrived. You were there with me, so you should know that."

"Wow... This really will be the first time all the servants gather at one place at the same time, if they accept your invitation that is."

"Worry not Waver! I have a good feeling about tonight!" Rider grinned.

Just then a huge boom was heard throughout all of Japan. Waver and Rider looked out the window to find the moon now had a huge red heart with 'Tristan loves Iseult' written on it.

"Marvellous! We can contact Saber and ask Tristan to carve a message on the moon!" Rider said before he left the room, "I wonder if Tristan will join me in conquering the people of the moon after I'm done with earth?" Waver heard him ask, "Perhaps that's where I will find Oceanus."

"Oh boy..." Waver said feeling a chill go up his spine.

 **A/N: And so all the Servants will gather to fight Caster. But before that happens, is anyone curious about the child detectives? Or why were Caster and Uryuu worse for wear? That will be clear in the next chapter. Till then, see ya!**


	12. If it Weren't for Those Meddling Brats

**A/N: Hey guys! Been a while but I'm back with another chapter, with little Rin and Shirou. Yeah, told you it wasn't the last of Shrou. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fate Zero, Fate Stay Night, Carnival Phantasm or any fictional work referred here.**

 **If it Weren't for those Meddling Brats!**

A little girl with blue eyes and black hair tied into pig-tails lurked about the alleys wearing Sherlock Holmes costume with her favourite red sweater over it. Normally, little girls her age are at school at this hour but conveniently enough it was Sunday and her mother thinks the girl is with her friends which on technical terms wasn't a lie. "I am Tohsaka Rin, aged six years, to the world I am a bright first year student of the Homurahara Junior School, but at home the heir of the Tohsaka family, and a protégée magus."

"Rin? Who are you talking to?" A young boy with red hair and amber eyes wearing Watson costume asked Rin.

"This is Shirou, no surname-"

"Hey I already told you-"

"He was my first suspect but got off my list when I realized that all he knew was reinforcement and gradient air-"

"I'm only six, give me a break will you?"

"Aged six and studying at the Fuyuki Park Junior, he is currently assisting me in my investigation though I am not sure how he can help with such average magic spells and equally average circuits," Rin continued.

"How did I end up getting dragged into this?" Shirou sighed.

"It all started a few weeks ago when a serial killer started a killing spree, slaughtering at least one family per week. The frequency has increased dramatically after the Fourth Holy Grail War officially commenced in Fuyuki City three days ago, with the number of children going missing reaching hundreds. One of those missing children happens to be my classmate, Kotone, and serial killer or not, no one takes one of my friends hostage!"

"Are you done breaking the fourth wall yet? Your classmate's not the only one missing," Shirou said.

"So where do we start?" Rin asked.

"Well I guess we could ask around?" Shirou suggested.

"Don't be ridiculous! That'd take too much time!" Rin scoffed.

"I guess we ask around at places where the kids went missing from," Shirou suggested.

"And how exactly do you plan on finding those places?"

"By news of course!"

"You plan on buying newspapers?"

"No, I plan on going to an internet café."

"How does having coffee help?"

Shirou sighed in exasperation, "With you, it helps a lot."

Soon the child detectives were at a cyber café, searching the news online.

"There's no coffee here," Rin said.

"Alright! So these are the areas where kids have been going missing," Shirou said jotting down places of note based on news articles, "Let's take a map too," Shirou gave the print command to take a print out of Fuyuki's map. When the printout arrived he marked the places on the map.

"Finally! Let's go!" Rin said.

"Wait! We have to pay," Shirou said.

"Let me handle it," Rin said.

"You sure?" Shirou asked.

"Yes, leave it to me!" Rin reassured.

"That'll be twenty yens," The owner said.

"Aww..." Rin pouted with her best puppy face on, "You wouldn't take money from a bunch of kids, would you?"

The owner fell under a trance like state and said mechanically, "Of course not. You may leave without paying."

Shirou rolled his eyes before putting his hand in his pocket.

"Don't you dare!" Rin warned menacingly.

Shirou glared defiantly pulling out his purse.

"Shirou, I'm warning you..."

"Move Rin..."

Lightning sparked between their eyes as the two refused to budge, Shirou held his purse close like a rugby player while Rin held her fingers like a gun.

Then without a word, Shirou charged sideways while Rin fired Gandr shots at him. As he kept dodging, Shirou grabbed a chair and reinforced it to the max before charging at Rin. Rin fired her Scandinavian curses at the chair causing a few dents but Shirou kept charging forward. Rin moved out of the way before tackling Shirou to the ground from behind.

"Give me the purse!" Rin demanded reaching for the purse.

"It's my purse!" Shirou denied keeping his purse out of Rin's reach.

"I won't let you pay for something I hypnotised for!"

"It's my money! I'll pay whoever I want to!"

"What sort of Magus pays?"

"The one with basic morals!"

They stopped fighting when they saw a bald customer with red gloves looking at them with a bored expression.

"Good morning sir! Have you seen anything weird lately?" Shirou asked.

"You mean more than you two?" The customer asked back.

"I saw a lot of people in bone mask fly through the sky at supersonic speeds," A blond man at a ramen stall said.

"There've been a lot of those people lately, I wonder if they are secret agents or something," his wife added.

"I saw an Irish knight being chased by a lion!" Said a teenage boy with a straw hat.

"I saw a British girl in lion costume sniffing for something," Said a boy in red and blue costume.

"I saw knights riding giant Simba!" A little pink haired girl on a giant man's shoulder said.

"I saw a pair of giant bulls grazing on neighbourhood gardens," Said a cowboy with a spaceship.

"There'z a rumour that Kaleidoburgerz uzez telebortation to deliver food inztantly. My friend swearz zhe saw a delivery boy telebort in front of her! I wonder if they'll employ me?" A blue boy with a blue tail said.

"The creepy old man that lives at the Matou mansion hasn't been seen since yesterday, they say he was a demon who was slain by a wandering knight," A red haired boy with a pet rat said.

"Someone placed a huge mace, the size of a man, on Fuyuki's only toilet. No one could use the toilet because the mace was heavier than an elephant. Even called a damn crane but no use. But finally, one of those weird people with white masks managed to lift it. People say it was Thor's hammer," Said an American journalist with thick spectacles.

"The hundredth floor of Hotel Hyatt is said to be haunted. People have gone missing since the day before yesterday and terrible screams are heard. There was even an explosion at room 10001 but the residents survived though one of them landed on a pole with his butt on it. That had to hurt." Said a green haired woman at a pizza outlet.

"Angry knights chase another knight on giant music lion!" Said a giant green man.

"Wow... That's a lot of weird things happening in Fuyuki," Shirou remarked as he and Rin ate shawarma on a bench.

"But nothing that could lead us to the missing kids," Rin said as she took a bite.

They sighed together. Then Shirou started sniffing.

"What is it?" Rin asked.

"I smell something!" Shirou replied.

"What are you talking about? I had a bath today!" Rin yelled in embarrassment.

"I smell something magical!" Shirou clarified.

"Oh. You must be talking about my mana compass," Rin took out a compass which immediately glowed red, floated and pointed at a direction.

Shirou looked up and asked, "Who's there? Show yourself!"

Nothing happened for a while, "There's no use hiding!" Rin said.

On cue, a pitch black teen boy with white bone mask appeared out of the shadows, "Hn. So much for A-ranked presence concealment."

"Who are you?" Shirou asked prepared to fight.

"You can call me Assassin," Al Tair replied.

"Assassin eh? So you're with Kirei?" Rin asked.

"As much as I wish I wasn't yes," Al Tair replied.

"You hate him too?"

"There's nothing likeable about that psycho priest."

"High five!" Rin gave Al Tair a high five.

"So what can you tell us about the case of kids disappearing?" Shirou asked.

"Alright kids! Listen to me carefully," Al Tair said with a serious expression hidden by his bone mask, "The people behind the disappearances are absolute psychos. They like to cut little kids and call it art. Stay absolutely away from them!"

"Well... In that case, could you describe them for us and tell us where they are? You know so that we can stay absolutely away from them," Rin asked with the most innocent face she could put up, backed up by Shirou's own puppy face.

"Hmm... I suppose you'd need to know all that to be able to avoid those freaks," Al Tair mused while the children nodded enthusiastically, "Very well. You got a paper and pen?"

Shirou gave Al Tair his note pad and pen which Al Tair used to draw quick sketches of Uryuu and Giles and wrote down their names, details and schedules.

"There! Now, I have to go somewhere. Now promise me you'll stay the hell away from them no matter what. No loopholes. No tricks. Just stay away!"

"We promise!" The kids chimed with innocent smiles on their faces.

"Good! Remember, stay away!" Assassin said one last time before fading away.

"To not keep that promise!" Shirou and Rin completed with mischievous grins on their smug little faces.

Some time later, the two child detectives were stalking a red haired youth with lots of kids following him. The kids seemed to be under some spell.

"Is that our guy?" Shirou asked.

"Looks like it. He's even got Kotone," Rin replied, comparing the young man to Al Tair's sketch, "Ryuunosuke Uryuu, aged twenty, an amiable salesman on the front, there is a dark serial killer hidden behind his pleasant smile who likes to kill women and children."

"So what's the plan?" Shriou asked.

"Let's follow him to his base," Rin replied.

The kids followed Uryuu to an alley only to find him waiting for them, smiling at them.

"Oh look! More kids! You want to play with us?" Uryuu asked with a deceptively friendly smile.

"Release the kids!" Rin demanded.

"Oh but I want to show you my magic trick, watch!" Uryuu showed Rin and Shirou his magic pink band.

"Idiot! Hypnosis won't work on magi!" Rin smirked.

"It's a pretty band..." Shirou muttered in a trance.

"A good magus!" Rin corrected.

"So you're a magical school girl, I've always wanted to cut a magical school girl- umph!" Uryuu groaned upon being kicked in his stomach.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING A MAGICAL SCHOOL GIRL?" Rin yelled before punching then kicking Uryuu into a wall, she then held the hypnotic bracelet and overcharged it with mana making it explode.

"Oh... Caster's gonna be mad..." Uryuu groaned.

"Shut up!" Rin kicked Uryuu again before turning to the kids, "Shirou call the cops. The rest of you stay put till the cops arrive."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" The kids screamed in fear.

"What are you screaming about?" Rin asked angrily.

"Rin!" Shirou tackled Rin to ground in time to avoid a horror. The child detectives got to their feet to find a man in weird cult dress and fish like eyes with several horrors behind him. The horrors were also at the other end of the alley blocking their escape from both sides.

"BEHOLD! YOUR DOOM!" Caster declared dramatically as his horrors marched forward, ready to devour the children.

"Daddy! Save me!" A little girl cried.

"I wanna go home!" A little boy cried.

"Mommy! I promise I'll eat all the vegetables and do my homework!" A fat boy cried.

"We're all going to die!" A not so fat boy cried.

"THAT'S RIGHT CHILDREN! FALL INTO DESPAIR! GOD WILL NOT SAVE YOU!" Caster basked in his targets' terror.

Rin grit her teeth, putting up a brave front despite her fear, "Shirou! I'll give you an opening! Take the brats away from here!"

"Not happening," Shirou said stubbornly.

"This is not the time to play hero!" Rin tried to reason with Shirou.

"Even so, what kind of hero- no, what kind of Watson leaves his Holmes behind?" Shirou asked with a smirk.

Rin smirked back, "So cheesy, but what can Watson do that Holmes can't?"

"Watch me!" Shirou focused his mana, **"Trace On!"** A plain katana with chipped edges appeared in his hand. At first glance it was a useless blade, not even an antique piece but then it started pulsing and transforming into a huge white sword with white fur at its guard and a red hilt. Shirou himself transformed, his hair turned silver, his eyes steel grey and his fair skin turned tan.

"Shirou?" Rin gasped in surprise, feeling the demonic mana in the sword.

The blade Shirou held was made from the fang of a demon lord, used by his half-demon son to fell hundreds of demons in a single swing. It's name was Tetsusaiga and its special attack was-

" **Wind Scar!"** Shirou yelled releasing a powerful wind slash that destroyed all the horrors and sent Uryuu and Giles flying away.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Caster and Uryuu yelled as they were sent to God knows where.

"What? How?" Rin asked.

The blade disappeared from Shirou's hand as his features returned to normal. He fell against the wall due to exhaustion.

"Shirou-kun! Are you okay?" Rin asked.

"I feel sleepy..." Shirou said groggily before dozing off.

"Bakame!" Rin said with a pout.

"Ooooh! Someone's got a crush!" The little girl named Kotone teased Rin.

"What? I don't have a crush!" Rin denied with a blush.

"She's totally got a crush!" Another little girl said.

"No I don't!" Rin denied again blushing harder.

"Shirou and Rin sitting on a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" The kids teased Rin as her face turned red like a tomato.

" **GANDR! GANDR! GANDR! GANDR!"** Rin fired gandr shots to drive the kids away.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" All the kids ran away screaming.

"Huff... huff... huff..." Rin panted before falling next to a sleeping Shirou, "Now that I think about it, I woke up too early today..." She muttered before dozing off with her head on Shirou's shoulder.

This was the sight at which Kariya and Berserker arrived.

"Aww... Rin-chan's already got a boyfriend. Kid's sure grow up fast, don't they!" Kariya grinned.

" **Berserker!"** 'Smile!' Lancelot said before taking a picture.

"Thanks Berserker, now I'll leave Rin-chan with Aoi-chan, you take her boyfriend to... shit how'll we know where he lives?"

" **Berserker!"** 'Leave it to me!' Lancelot said before upgrading his mobile to a yet to be released model, taking Shirou's picture and using the search engine to find his details.

"Wow... That's just OP. Now if only you could use that to fix your speech problem."

Berserker gave Kariya a dirty look before turning on a translation app, **"Berserker."** Berserker spoke into his mobile, **"Or maybe you should turn off my Mad Enhancement."** Came out the translation.

"Touché."

Meanwhile, Caster and Uryuu landed into untreated sewage flowing towards a treatment plant. They drifted in it for a while before swimming to shore.

"Hey I know these parts. Our hideout should be this way," Uryuu said walking into a tunnel, Caster followed, unusually quiet.

"Damn that attack hurt! Though the sword was awesome and I loved the way it shred our monsters but damn wrong timing!" Uryuu remarked as the exit the tunnel. Still no response from Caster.

"We had so many kids, even found a magical schoolgirl and her sidekick. So much artwork gone to waste," Uryuu sighed as they entered another tunnel but Caster remained silent.

"We would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids," Uryuu remarked as they exit the tunnel but Caster didn't respond.

"At least we still have some kids in reserve at our hideout," Uryuu smiled as they entered their hideout. The sight before them left them agape.

The tunnel was in ruins, all the kids, both dead and alive, were gone and their was a huge hole in the ceiling. All courtesy of Rider and Waver who had just left the place, the only food thing that happened to them that day.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" They cried out in agony.

"CURSES! CURSES UPON THE VANDALS! THE THUGS WHO DARED TO DEFILE OUR TEMPLE!" Caster cursed, his fish like eyes shaking like grapes.

"Oh! Such vandalism! Who could do such a thing? Why would anyone do this? Why can't people appreciate art?" Uryuu asked.

"Could it be? That God indeed cares about His servants? That He is indeed Benevolent? That He indeed punishes the wicked and saves the oppressed? Then why did He let Jeanne burn?" Caster wondered.

"Of course God loves His creations. What artist doesn't love his art?" Uryuu replied.

"Artist?" Caster asked.

"Why yes. That's exactly what God is. He is neither cruel nor benevolent. He is the greatest puppet master who creates stories of heroes and villains for His beloved audience. And we are both His puppets and audience."

"MARVELOUS! SUCH WISDOM! SUCH A BEAUTIFUL IDEAL! YOU HAVE OPENED MY EYES URYUU! INDEED! GOD IS THE GREATEST PUPPET MASTER WHO LOVES CREATING MARVELOUS STORIES! BUT TONIGHT WE SHALL PREPARE A SHOW FOR HIM AND HE WILL BE OUR AUDIENCE!"

"You mean..."

"YES! IT IS TIME! TONIGHT URYUU, I WILL SHOW YOU THE ULTIMATE COOL OF THE KILLING!"

"This is gonna be awesome..."

 **A/N: And so the confrontation is coming close, though there might be one more chapter though before the big fight. Till then see ya! PS: Can you guess the references made here?**


	13. Saber Lion's Valentine

**A/N: Hey guys! This Valentine's I present you a love story between the Knight of Fionn and the Cosplayer with an unexpected villain. Hope you guys enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fate Stay Night, Fate Zero, Carnival Phantasm or any fictional work referred here.**

 **Saber Lion's Valentine**

The first thing Kayneth saw when he woke up was nothing, "Umph! Umph!" Kayneth tried to speak but was muffled by the pillow his face was buried in, he relaxed when he realized that and turned over, "AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Only to scream out in pain when his buttocks made contact with his bed.

Lancer rushed into Kayneth's room upon hearing the scream, "Master! Are you okay?"

"It's okay, he just rolled over his arse again," Sola-Ui said, stifling a giggle.

"What's wrong with me? My whole body hurts, especially my arse and-and... I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS! WHY CAN'T I FEEL MY LEGS?" Kayneth asked hysterically.

"It seems the bullet hit your spinal cord paralysing you arse down," Sola-Ui answered nonchalantly.

"I CAN'T FEEL MY OD! WHY CAN'T I FEEL MY OD?" Kayneth asked absolutely terrified.

"The bullet also cut all your magic circuits and tied them together haphazardly, permanently short-circuiting them," Sola-Ui replied.

"That means..." Kayneth's eyes widened in horror and despair, his worst fears realized.

"You can no longer use magic."

"No... It can't be..."

"I'm afraid so, on that note since you can no longer use magic it's only right that I take your command seals," Sola-Ui demanded, ready to cause her fiancé great pain if he refused.

"Lady Sola-Ui!" Lancer said indignantly.

"Take it," Kayneth conceded without protest.

"Master?" Lancer asked in surprise.

"Take it," Kayneth repeated.

"Wow, are you sure?" Sola-Ui asked giddily, "Not that I'm complaining..."

"I am no longer El-Melloi of the Clock Tower. I am a squib now, no even worse... I'm a crippled squib. I can neither go back to the Clock Tower nor to my family. My family will cast me out. No woman would ever want to marry me."

"Can't argue with that..." Sola-Ui agreed with Kayneth.

"No Master! Don't give up yet! We can still use the Holy Grail to restore your magecraft and health!" Diarmuid encouraged Kayneth.

"Really? You would do that for me?" Kayneth asked, hope brimming in his eyes.

"Don't be ridiculous Lancer has his own wish to fulfil," Sola-Ui dismissed the idea.

"My only wish is to serve my master honourably and to the best of my abilities," Lancer insisted.

"Don't be ridiculous Lancer! Kayneth can't fight alongside you anymore!" Sola-Ui retorted.

"I don't have to..." Kayneth said, "It's you who provides Lancer with mana anyway, you can take my seals and win the war for me while Lancer wishes my health and magecraft back!"

"Yes master!"

"Lancer!"

"Master!"

"Lancer!"

"Master!"

Diarmuid and Kayneth hugged each other with tears streaming down their eyes while sunset and seashore appeared behind them out of nowhere.

'What the?' Sola-Ui gaped at the scene but composed herself, "If you insist, I will continue this war in your stead."

"I knew I could depend on you," Kayneth smiled before turning to Lancer with a serious expression, "Now Lancer, I will give Sola-Ui my command seals, promise me you will protect her even at the cost of yourself."

"I will master!"

"Good, now wait outside while I transfer the seals," Kaynth ordered.

Lancer nodded before leaving the room. At the living room he found Saber Lion sulking on the sofa.

 **"Gao..."** Lion roared regretfully, 'Sorry.'

"It's not your fault Lion," Diarmuid reassured Lion, "You had no way of knowing that your master would use such an underhanded tactic."

 **"Gao..."** 'Even so...'

Diarmuid caressed Lion's cheek, "Hey, don't worry. Master will be fine."

"AAAAAAAAAAH!" Kayneth let out a girly scream.

"Master!" Lancer rushed back into Kayneth's room to find Sola-Ui in a kinky underwear holding up her arm to display her command seals triumphantly with her high heel poking the butt of an unconscious Kayneth, "Lady Sola-Ui?"

"By the power of my first command seal I command you to make love to me!" Sola-Ui commanded as one of her seals glowed before fading.

"Not again..." Diarmuid cursed, trying his best to resist but his body moved on its own towards Sola-Ui. Soon he was holding Sola-Ui close, their lips about to meet. This was the scene Saber Lion arrived at.

 **"Grrrr..."** Saber Lion growled drawing out Meatcalibur. In response Diarmuid threw Sola-Ui off himself.

"Lion wait! It's not what it looks like!" Diarmuid defended himself.

"What are you doing here bitch? I and Lancer were having a moment!" Sola-Ui cursed.

 **"Grrrr..."** Lion charged Meatcalibur and aimed it at Sola-Ui.

"Wait!" Lancer stood in front of Sola-Ui.

 **"GAO!"** Lion blasted Lancer with her Meatcalibur.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Lancer flew out the window and over several buildings.

Meanwhile Kariya and Lancelot were just leaving the Matou manor when Diarmuid fell into their trash can head first.

"Woah! Lancer died!" Kariya exclaimed.

Lancer got back up.

 **"Berserker!"** 'He's not human!'

After some time...

"She didn't even let me explain myself!" Diarmuid said at the end of his tale, "Ser Berserker! You must help me!"

"And why should we help an enemy Servant?" Kariya asked.

"Uncle Kariya! Who's that incredibly handsome knight?" Sakura asked from the door, with hearts in her eyes.

"Berserker! We must help Lancer!" Kariya urged Lancelot.

 **"Berserker..."** Berserker stated searching for something in his item list, **"Berrrrrserker!"** Berserker pulled out a bandage upgraded by his powers and stuck it below Diarmuid's eye to cover his lovespot.

"Ano? What's Lancer-san doing here?" Sakura asked showing no signs of previous infatuation.

Diarmuid hugged Lancelot in gratitude, "Ser Berserker! You are a genius! I will be indebted to you forever!"

"Yeah yeah now get out of here and never remove that bandage like ever!" Kariya said.

"Of course," Diarmuid nodded, "Now I just need to find Lion and make up with her."

Meanwhile, Saber Lion was gulping down milk after milk at a bar named Copenhagen.

 **"Gao!"** Lion roared, 'More!'

"Sorry kid! We're outta milk!" The bartender said placing a bill in front of her.

Saber Lion sighed and took out her purse.

'SHINK!' Someone else paid the bill. Lion turned to find a lion dressed in black suit.

 **"Roar..."** Simba made a friendly roar, 'Allow me...'

Some time later, Lancer followed Lion's trail to Copenhagen. He entered the bar and searched for Lion when he heard a guttural laughter. He followed it to find Simba and Lion together.

 **"Gagagagaga!"** Lion and Simba laughed together.

"Lion?" Lancer asked trying not to scowl or sneer.

 **"Gao! Gao! Gao!"** Saber Lion stood up, 'Diarmuid! Diarmuid this is Simba! Simba Diarmuid!'

"Yes, we've met before," Diarmuid said, none too pleased to meet Simba again.

 **"Roar..."** 'Likewise...'

 **"Gao."** 'Excuse me,' Lion said before going to the washroom.

"What are you doing here Simba?" Lancer asked Simba.

 **"Roar..."** Simba smirked. 'Oh you know, the usual stuff... Boy meets girl they date and then...'

"There's no way Lion would date a sleazy bastard like you!" Diarmuid sneered.

"Sir, is there a problem?" The bartender asked.

"Of course there is! There's a wild animal in your bar!" Diarmuid sneered.

"What? Where?" The bartender looked around frantically.

"Here!" Diarmuid pointed at Simba.

"Sir... I think you've had too much," The bartender said nonchalantly.

"Just because I'm Irish doesn't mean I'm drunk!" Diarmuid said indignantly.

"This has nothing to do with you being Irish sir, you're drunk."

"Are you serious? Look at him carefully and tell me that's not a lion!"

"Sir, lions don't walk on two legs and wear suits."

"Oh yeah well humans don't growl do they Simba?" Diarmuid turned to Simba.

Simba remained quiet as the entire bar stared at him, then he laughed, **"Hahahahaha! Oh I'm sorry for this mess, my friend gets rather imaginative after a few pegs,"** Simba said.

"What the?" Diarmuid gasped in surprise.

"No problem sir, do you want me to send him out?" The bartender asked.

 **"No. We're leaving anyway, just waiting for our lovely friend to return from the washroom,"** Simba replied.

"Very well sir," The bartender left the spirits to their business.

"How?" Lancer asked.

 **"You'll be surprised with what you can find within my king's treasure trove,"** Simba replied.

"Too bad you couldn't find something to fix your ugly mug," Diarmuid shot back.

 **"Actually if I wanted I could transform into a human but I get the feeling that Saber Lion prefers the beasts... especially lions..."**

"Why you..."

 **"Gao!"** Saber Lion returned, 'I'm back!'

"Let's go Lion..." Diarmuid got up from his seat and dragged Lion with him.

 **"Gao!"** Lion bid Simba farewell on her way out.

 **"Roar!"** Simba replied with a smile which vanished when they exit the bar.

Diarmuid and Lion walked towards their hideout quietly, their minds much more chaotic.

 **"Gao..."** Lion roared regretfully, 'Listen Lancer, I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't know Kayneth gave her the seals. Seeing you and Soal-Ui like that I don't know what came over me. I overreacted...'

Lancer ignored Lion's apology and asked, "So... what were you two talking about?"

 **"Gao..."** Lion roared, 'Nothing much...'

"It couldn't be nothing," Diarmuid insisted irritably.

 **"Gao..."** 'Simba invited me to lunch at a restaurant, that's all...'

"You call that 'that's all'?"

 **"Gao... Gao?"** 'Yes... Why?'

"What do you mean why? Don't you see what's going on? The guy's trying to date you!"

 **"Gao!"** 'It's not a date! We are just hanging out!'

"Then why are you getting so flustered?"

 **"Gao!"** Saber Lion turned red with anger, 'I'm not getting flustered!'

"Yes you are!"

 **"Gao?!"** 'Even if it is a date, what's it to you?!'

"Nothing! I don't care who or what you date!"

 **"Gao!"** 'Then I'm going!'

"Fine!"

 **"Gao!"** 'Bye!' Lion bid farewell angrily before leaving.

"Bye!" Lancer replied angrily as Lion left, "Shit! I'm such a dumbarse! What's wrong with me? Why am I so angry? Why does Lion dating Simba bother me so much?"

At a French restaurant, Simba prepared for the lunch with Lion while Gilgamesh sipped a glass of wine.

"So Simba, you're dating the cosplayer?" Gilgamesh asked.

 **"Yes,"** Simba replied.

"And why is that?" Gilgamesh asked with curiosity reflecting in his red eyes.

 **"She reminds me of Nala,"** Simba replied ruefully.

"Hmm... I suppose that's a valid reason," Gilgamesh said as he finished his glass, "Anyway, don't take too long," Gilgamesh said before taking his leave.

Saber Lion entered the restaurant only to find a welcoming committee playing romantic French music.

 **"Gao..."** Lion roared sheepishly, 'Sorry, wrong place...' Lion turned to leave.

 **"Roar,"** Simba greeted Lion with a smile, 'No Lion, your at the right place.' He then led her to their reserved seat which had a candle light and champagne.

 **"Gao..."** 'It's rather lavish for a simple lunch...'

 **"Roar."** 'Pardon me, when you live with the King of Heroes even the mos lavish settings seem simple.'

 **"Gao,"** Lion sweat drooped, 'You don't say.'

 **"Roar,"** Simba roared, 'Anyway, do place your order. And don't worry about the bill, it's my treat.'

 **"Gao!"** Lion smirked, 'Your loss!'

Soon the order arrived and the lions began feasting. Simba ate at a formal pace while Lion gobbled anything that she touched. Unbeknownst to the lions, Diarmuid was spying on the from a window.

"'Just hanging out' she says," Diarmuid ranted in a girly voice before scowling, "This isn't 'just hanging out'! It's a date!"

 **"Roar,"** Simba roared with curiosity, 'You seem upset.'

 **"Gao!"** Lion roared dismissively, 'It's nothing!'

 **"Roar,"** Simba insisted, 'Come on Lion, you can share with me.'

 **"Gao!"** 'It's that stupid Lancer!'

"Stupid? How am I stupid?" Lancer asked himself indignantly.

 **"Roar?"** 'Ha! That boar? What did he do?'

 **"Gao! Gao!"** 'He was being stupid is all! Thinking you and I are on a date!'

 **"Roar? Roar?"** 'Really? And what's wrong with that?'

"Other than the fact that you're a scumbag?" Diarmuid murmured angrily.

 **"Gao?"** Saber Lion asked Simba, 'What do you mean?'

 **"Roar."** 'Just think about it. Lancer's a complete loser. He serves a complete loser. He can't think beyond honour and duty. His wish is to serve a man, a crippled squib, that doesn't give a fuck about him or die trying. He just can't accept that he died by a boar. Me? I live with Gilgamesh the King of Heroes, I live lavishly and get what I desire. You should come with me instead. You'd be better off with me than him.'

'Do you feel the same way Lion?' Diarmuid wondered in fear of the answer, his heart felt like it would break if Lion went with Simba.

 **"Gao."** 'You're wrong.'

 **"Roar?"** "What?" Simba and Lancer asked at the same time.

 **"Gao."** 'Lancer may hold onto his honour too tightly but that does not make him a loser but endearing, it shows his strength of character despite everything he went through in his life. Despite being betrayed by his previous lord he had the courage to serve his new lord with utmost loyalty. It's true Kayneth initially did not respect Lancer but that's starting to change now. Even now, when Kayneth lost his magecraft and courage Lancer fights for his sake to return his magecraft and legs. His true wish may seem silly but at least it's selfless unlike many of ours. I am glad to have met him.'

"Lion..." Diarmuid murmured is surprise, a warm feeling rising from his heart, "I never knew you felt so deeply about me."

 **"And what about you and me? About us?"** Simba asked as a drop of tear streamed down his right eye.

 **"Gao,"** Saber Lion roared regretfully, 'I'm sorry but I cannot be with you,' Then she got up to leave.

 **"Then I'm sorry too,"** Simba said wiping his tear, **"But I just cannot accept a no."** Suddenly Saber Lion was wrapped in chains.

 **"Gao!"** Lion struggled against the chains with all her strength but the chains wouldn't budge.

 **"It's useless to struggle, even the Bull of Heaven could not break Enkidu's chains."**

Seeing Lion's plight Diarmuid decided to intervene, he broke the window and jumped in.

 **"Gao!"** Lion said in surprise, 'Lancer!'

 **"YOU!"** Simba growled angrily.

"Hey bastard! Let her go!" Diarmuid demanded.

 **"No you pig! Lion is mine!"**

"She's not your property! She's a girl that loves to cosplay as a lion! She has thoughts and feelings like us! If you truly love her you'll let go!"

 **"Bah! Letting go is for losers! I am Simba the Lion King! I serve only Gilgamesh! And like him I keep what I like and eat those that dare lay hands on what is mine!"**

"If you are a king then I too am a knight, I will vanquish you and rescue Lion from your clutches."

 **"Haha! You? Vanquish me? Don't make me laugh!"**

"Trust me, these don't tickle," Diarmuid retorted as he drew Gae Dearg and Gae Buidhe.

 **"Fine! The victor shall have Lion's love!"** Simba declared.

Lancer and Simba stared each other down while Saber Lion glanced between them, struggling to free herself from Enkidu. The restaurant staff evacuated the premises sensing an imminent anime battle.

"Last warning cat! I've hunted down several of your kind!" Lancer warned Simba smugly.

 **"Tough words from someone that got owned by a pig of all things,"** Simba retorted.

"Draw your weapon already so that I may skewer you and make some cat kebabs out of you!" Lancer twirled Gae Dearg and Gae Buidhe to emphasize his point..

 **"Funny, I was thinking about some bacon myself,"** Simba said as a portal appeared and poured thick blood upon him, some of which he swallowed. Soon Simba's skin turned grey and hair light grey, there was a yellow leaf pattern on his back.

Lancer didn't think much of Simba's changes and dashed at him who didn't even react. Diarmuid stabbed Simba with Gae Buidhe but his spear didn't pierce through, "What the?"

 **"Hmph! That your best?"** Simba mocked before swiping his claws at Diarmuid who backed off in time to avoid the attack.

"Impossible! Gae Buidhe couldn't pierce through!"

 **"You wish to share any other obvious facts?"**

"It looks magical to me!" Diarmuid sneered before throwing Gae Dearg at Simba. The spear hit Simba and penetrated the armour's magical defence but bounced off the physical defence.

"No way!" Diarmuid gaped like a fish.

 **"You were right about the armour being magical, however the Armour of Fafnir is resistant to both physical and magical attacks. Attacks ranked B and below cannot get through, and attacks above that have their value subtracted by B. The resistance of my armour goes up to B+ when facing noble phantasms."**

'My spears are ranked B, there's no way I can hurt him,' Diarmuid realized.

 **"Do you see now? It's useless! Give up and I may spare you!"**

"No! Even if it costs me my life I will not leave without Lion!"

 **"Gao..."** Lion roared affectionately, 'Lancer...'

 **"Fine! Have it your way!"** Simba said as a hundreds of portals appeared behind him and fired arsenals at Diarmuid.

Lancer summoned Gae Dearg back and parried all the projectiles with both his spears.

While Lancer parried the projectiles, Simba summoned a red spear and aimed it at Diarmuid, **"Gae Bolg!"**

Diarmuid blocked the red spear aimed at his heart, only for both the spear to change its trajectory and pierce his heart. Diarmuid fell to his knees, coughing blood as he felt his heart burst.

 **"GAO!"** Saber Lion roared, desperately struggling against the chains to rush to Lancer's aide but the chains wouldn't budge.

 **"Hahaha! A heart burst by Gae Bolg cannot be healed. You should have left when you had the chance!"**

"Fuck! 'cough' If only I had been summoned as Saber instead," Diarmuid cursed, "At least my luck wouldn't suck so much!"

 **"Oh! That's right! You used to carry some knives with you, I really don't see how that would help your current situation,"** Simba dismissed Lancer's claims.

"'cough' I would show you if I had Moralltach and Beagalltach with me," Diarmuid insisted.

 **"Amuse me,"** Simba smirked as two portals appeared shooting a long red sword and a short yellow sword in front of Diarmuid. Both the swords were A-rank noble phantasms. Diarmuid stabbed Gae Buidhe to the ground and took the red sword taking what would seem to many a rather awkward pose. He held Gae Dearg in his right hand, Moralltach in left and took a sprinting pose, ready to leap at Simba.

 **"Hmph! A sword and a lance? Is the blood loss getting to your head?"** Simba mocked Lancer.

In response, Lancer dashed, wielding the spear that pierces through all magic and the sword that leaves no blow unfinished, and struck Siegfried's legendary armour.

 **"Fool!"** Simba patronized Diarmuid.

Separate, Moralltach would barely scratch Simba while Gae Dearg would not even do that. Together, they were an A++ combo boosted to EX by Valentine's Day effect that gave rank up to attacks made for the sake of love. Gae Dearg pierced through Fafnir's magic resistance and Moralltach penetrated the armour's physical defence.

 **"What?"** Simba asked in astonishment as the red spear of exorcism and the sword of Great Fury pierced through his armour and stabbed him in the chest. Simba coughed blood before loosing consciousness. Lancer removed his weapons from Simba before turning to Saber Lion, but fell to the ground after taking two steps.

 **"Gao!"** Saber Lion, now free from Enkidu, rushed to Lancer's side.

Lion cradled Lancer's bloodied and broken body, crying, kissing his wounds and begging him to wake up. But Diarmuid would not stir.

 **"GAOOOO!"** Lion roared to the seven heavens in agony.

"My my Simba, you've made quite the mess," Someone remarked. She turned around to find Gilgamesh tending to Simba's wounds with a potion of some sort that healed the lion instantly.

 **"Gao?"**

"Yes, it is I, Gilgamesh the King of Uruk. Now answer me, do you love that man?"

 **"Yes."** Saber Lion answered with a soft echoey angelic voice which surprised Gilgamesh but he composed himself.

"Even knowing that he is your king's rival and your master's mortal enemy?"

 **"Yes."**

"On one hand it is foolish to let the enemy live, but on the other hand Enkidu would never let me hear the end of it if I let a love story end so tragically," The King of Uruk sighed just thinking about the lecture Enkidu would unleash upon him.

 **"You will help me?"** Lion asked.

"But of course, I find your tale quite amusing. Besides I can't always play the villain in love stories, never ends well for me," Gilgamesh picked up Beagalltach the Little Fury from the ground, "Remove the spear from your lover's body. Beagalltach can heal any wounds."

Lion removed Gae Bolg from Lancer's body while Archer waved the yellow sword over Diarmuid, upon which Lancer was enveloped in a bright yellow glow which healed all his wounds including the one inflicted by Gae Bolg. This was possible because Beagalltach healed by restoring the state of the body to the time before the wound was ever inflicted. Soon Diarmuid opened his eyes.

"Lion?" Diarmuid asked.

 **"Gao!"** Lion hugged Lancer tight crying tears of joy.

"Archer! What are you doing here?" Diarmuid asked as he got up and drew Gae Dearg and Gae Buidhe.

"Hn! Is that the way to repay the King's favour?" Gilgamesh grunted.

"You helped me? But why?" Lancer asked.

"It'd be quite the shame if you died after defeating my pet," Gilgamesh answered before retrieving Moralltach and Beagalltach along with other treasures into his treasury, "Now I would let you keep these swords but I believe your master already has the copies."

"What? Master had Moralltach and Beagalltach and still summoned me as a Lancer?"

"It's ironically fortunate, if you had been summoned as a Saber neither would you meet your cosplayer nor me my Saber."

"Thank you, I will return this favour some day," Lancer thanked Archer sincerely.

 **"Gao!"** Saber Lion thanked Gilgamesh as well.

"I will hold you onto that," The King of Heroes said before vanishing with Simba into golden glitter.

Later that evening, Lancer and Lion sat on the roof, watching the sunset and the full moon rise while someone in the neighbourhood playd romantic Spanish music.

 **"Gao?"** Lion asked, 'What's the matter?"

"I'm just thinking about my fight with Simba. I almost lost to a fucking animal?" Lancer sulked.

 **"Gao."** 'You won anyway.'

"It doesn't make me feel any better. Just how am I suppose to match up to Archer himself or any other Servant for that matter?"

 **"Gao!"** Lion declared, 'Don't worry, I'll be there to back you up!"

"You will be by my side?" Diarmuid asked.

 **"Always."** Saber Lion answered earnestly.

The two stared into each other's eyes, Lion lost into the abyss of Diarmuid's sharp black eyes and Diarmuid lost into Lion's innocent green eyes. The boy and the girl crept closer and closer, slower than the fall of a feather, till their lips met; soft, chaste and blissful.

On cue, the full moon behind was hit by Tristan's attack which carved a huge heart on the near side of the moon.

The two parted, once again lost into the other's eyes.

"I love you Lion..."

 **"I love you too Diarmuid..."**

The two kissed again passionately, marking the birth of a love story between a boy and a girl.

 **A/N: Finally! Who didn't see that coming? Not the perfect chapter but at least it's off my chest. Now for Lancer's new noble phantasms, they may seem OP but this was Lancer's day and the ones that Kayneth used as catalysts for summoning aren't exactly in pristine condition so they may or may not receive a rank down based on my whims. Now there wasn't much about Moralltach and Beagalltach on the net** **so I had to make up some stuff. Moralltach is said to 'leave no blow or stroke unfinished upon first trial' which I am guessing means that every time Diarmuid draws the blade from the sheathe and strikes the sword cannot be blocked. If someone does block, the sword will just cut through the shield and hurt the opponent. I skipped over the whole first trial thing for this chapter which may or may not spring up later in the story if needed. As for Beagalltach there wasn't much on it but Diarmuid's foster father Aengus, who was the Celtic god of love and the previous owner of the swords, is said to have healed wounds and even revive the dead, based on which I'm attributing healing powers to Beagalltach. It kinda makes sense, Gae Buidhe whose wounds can't be healed paired with Beagalltach that heals all wounds and Gae Dearg that pierces magical protection paired with Moralltach that pierces physical protection. In fact it's said that the reason Lancer died was because he didn't have his swords with him. Now coming up next will be the big showdown between Caster and other servants. Till then see ya!**


	14. You Do Not Insa The King!

**A/N: Hey guys! Sorry for the delay but I'm back with another chapter where everyone flames Caster... you'll see what I mean. Hope you enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fate Zero, Fate Stay Night, Carnival Phantasm or any fictional show referred here.**

 **You Do Not Insa The King!**

People usually don't move out at night in Fuyuki City, especially during a curfew with a serial killer on the loose, but for two very convenient reasons a lot of people were out this night at the banks of the river that ran between Fuyuki; one that it was Sunday and two there was a huge heart on the moon. People from all over Fuyuki, especially couples, crowded at the port to get a scenic view of the heart on the moon over the ocean. The audience had mixed reactions regarding the remodeling of the moon. The female half was swooning over how romantic the heart on the moon was and demanding their partner to top that, the male half was cursing whoever this Tristan person was.

This was very convenient for Giles de Rais who for some reason was standing on the surface of Miyama River that divided Fuyuki City and met the ocean at the docks.

"Look! There's a weirdo on the river!" A high school student pointed.

"Could he be the guy that carved a huge heart on the moon?" His girlfriend jumped to the conclusion.

"What the fuck man! You raised the standards for us guys way too high!" A wannabe stud cursed.

"How's anyone going to top that?" His love rival cursed.

"Yeah! Now there's no way I'm getting laid!" A desperate awkward guy cursed.

"Oh how romantic!" A high school girl chimed with starry eyes.

"Your girlfriend is lucky to have you!" A girl who sees too much romance anime said.

"Though you should really do something about you face..." A model said.

Caster stood still for a while, then bowed to the audience, opened Prelati's book and began chanting, **"Abracadabra! Shakalaka boom boom! Hocus focus! Sim Sala Grimm! Gili gili choo! Akkar Bakkar! Mumbo Jumbo! Wingardium Leviosa! Feng Shui Meng Shui! Shazzam! Sim Sim Tim Tim! Ming Ting Ping! Tinto Pinto Minto! Open Sesame! Alakazam!"**

The water surface below Caster rippled before swirling, growing into a whirlpool which kept getting larger and larger till it engulfed him. Then a beast in likeliness of a, or rather the giant squid emerged with tentacles larger than a whale. The damned thing could probably swallow a blue whale whole and call it a snack.

"Look! It's the Cthulhu!" A Cthulhu fan said.

"No you idiot! That's the Kraken!" A Kraken fan said.

"Cthulhu!" Cthulhu fans insisted.

"Kraken!" Kraken fans insisted.

"CTHULHU!"

"KRAKEN!"

"BEHOLD! THE SUPER MEGA ULTIMATE PRIME HORROR!" Caster declared from the confines of the beast.

There was absolute silence from the crowd, and was it mentioned that the crowd mainly consisted of otakus and critics?

"BOOOOOO!"

"LAAAAAAAAME!"

"YOU SUCK!"

"GET OUT OF HERE!"

"EWW..."

"GROSS..."

"NO WONDER YOU'RE DESPERATE ENOUGH TO WRITE ON THE MOON!"

"YOUR GIRLFRIEND PROBABLY DUMPED YOU!"

"HE'S PROBABLY JUST A STALKER!"

"Aww... Absolutely no appreciation for good art," Uryuu sighed at the sight as he watched from the shore.

"YOU FOOLS! THIS IS THE MOST TERRIFYING MONSTROSITY IN THE HISTORY OF MONSTROSITY!" Caster yelled indignantly.

"WHAT MONSTROSITY? THAT'S JUST AN OVERGROWN SQUID WITH A FANCY NAME!" An angry otaku said.

"AND NOT A GOOD ONE EITHER!" A hard-to-impress otaku added.

"NOW GOJIRO! THAT WAS A MONSTER!" A Godzilla fan said.

"OR GAMERA!" A Gamera fan said.

"OR KING KONG!" A King Kong fan said.

"EVEN BOWSER MAKES A BETTER MONSTER! AT LEAST HE'S A TURTLE-DRAGON!" A Mario otaku said.

"THIS THING CAN'T EVEN BE USED IN A HENTAI!" A weirdo said.

"FOOLS! DIE!" Caster screamed as the monstrosity he summoned raised its tentacles to attack the civilians. As the tentacles neared the frozen crowd, the critics felt that they should probably have been softer with their reviews.

"This is gonna be awesome!" Uryuu cheered.

Lucky for the crowd, the tentacles were cut down by blades of wind and lightning, which followed the arrival of Rider and Waver on Gordius Wheel, and the Knights of the Round Table and Irisviel on UNIT LION.

"Fiend! You will terrorize this city no more! Tonight you and your master shall taste of death!" Saber declared, raising Excalibur with her right hand.

"Idiots! What if the tentacles had multiplied!" Kay rebuked Iskander and Tristan.

"Don't worry, the Super Mega Ultimate Prime Horror never multiplies out of fear of being eaten by its offspring," Merlin reassured everyone.

"Well someone saw the mirror," Kay remarked.

"Is that girl the protagonist?" An anime reviewer asked.

"I don't know, the red-haired archer seems the coolest," A fan artist remarked.

"I like the one riding the flying cart better," A graphics designer said.

"I like the smartass, reminds me of Chandler," A Friends fan said.

"JEANNE! MY BELOVED VIRGIN! TONIGHT I WILL BREAK YOUR FAITH IN THAT CRUEL GOD BY DESTROYING THIS CITY!" Giles de Rais declared.

"He wants to date the protagonist?" A dating sim nerd asked.

"What a pedophile!" A child activist said.

"That girl looks even younger than my daughter!" A concerned adult added.

"Why are these idiots still standing around?" Mordred wondered.

"Looks like they think it's a play or something," Assassin answered, appearing in wisps of shadows.

"Assassin! You came after all!" Rider greeted.

"You're just lucky Caster ranks number one on my shit list and is currently trying to destroy the city."

"Well, what can you do about it?" Kay asked.

"What an Assassin does the best," Hassan replied.

"ASSASSIN! YOU MONGREL!" Archer arrived on his Vimana.

"Look there's a golden man on a flying golden ship!" A little boy pointed to his parents.

"Is he the anti-hero?" The boy's father wondered.

"I thought the black man in the white mask was the anti-hero," The boy's mother remarked.

"My King! Shouldn't we deal with Caster first?" Tokiomi asked.

"I have more pressing matters to deal with than an ugly squid!" Gilgamesh dismissed Tokiomi before turning to Assassin, "Like a certain list in which I am ranked a lowly third..."

"You're not ranked number three on my shit list, you're number ten," Assassin replied.

"What? Why am I ranked so low? I skewered Zayd and left Thor's hammer on your toilet!"

"Yes, but we avenged both those instances by stabbing you in the church and leaving Thor's hammer on your toilet. Now we're even."

"This is preposterous! I am the King! I am always number one!"

"Insa!"

"Oh, you do not insa The King! You obey!"

"What's insa?" Irisviel asked the knights.

"It's how Arabs say 'that's just too fucking bad'," Bors replied.

"Say Assassin? Who all exactly are on your shit list?" Percival asked.

"There a lot of people, but to start with the top eleven; Caster ranks one, followed by Iskander, Uryuu, Kiritsugu, Agravain, Kirei, Waver, Changez Khan, Holugu Khan, Gilgamesh and Tokiomi."

"Wait, how come I'm ranked higher than Genghis Khan and Holugu Khan?" Waver asked.

"And me?" Gilgamesh demanded.

"You summoned Rider," Assassin answered Waver.

"But you already left daggers at my bed, twice!" Waver pointed out.

"It's hardly enough to call us even," Assassin replied.

"Guys we have a Gojiro-sized squid trying to raze the city," Bedivere reminded everyone.

On cue, the Super Mega Ultimate Prime Horror raised all its tentacles only to be fired upon by three Japanese fighter jets.

"Look! It's the fighter jets!" A sci-fi nerd pointed.

"Are they stupid? Everyone knows that the army is first to die when a monster attacks!" A monster movie nerd said.

" **Appreciate your confidence in your country's air force..."** The leader of the squadron spoke through PA, **"Boys! Let's show the disbelievers how to barrel roll- Oh shit!"** The leader cursed as a huge tentacle was headed their way to slam all three jets into oblivion.

Just as the tentacles were about to reach them, a black blur cut through them and landed on one of the jets.

" **Berserker!"** Berserker cheered at a job well done as he stood on a jet.

" **Sir! Please get off the jet! Or we will use force!"** The pilot warned Lancelot.

" **Berserker!"** 'I'm taking over!' Berserker used his Knight of Honour to take over the jet and eject the pilot.

" **AAAAH!"** The pilot screamed as he was ejected, lucky for him his parachute worked fine and he descended slowly.

" **Sid! You'll pay for that!"** The other two jets took aim at Lancelot.

" **Berserker!"** Berserker flew towards the other two jets.

" **Abort the mission! I repeat Abort the- AAAAAH!"** Both the pilots ejected in time to avoid the imminent crash.

" **Berrrrrrrrrrserker!"** Berserker commanded and the jets replied, **"Initiating fusion..."** The jets broke apart into parts before combining into one huge jet, **"Fusion complete. Initiating transformation..."** The jet turned and twisted before transforming into a black mobile suit similar to Lancelot's armour with wings and two blades, **"Transformation complete. Unit Dark Knight ready to engage."**

" **Permission to speak sir?"** One of the pilots requested.

" **Granted."** The squad leader permitted.

" **We should have taken the red pill."**

Back at the shore, the other heroic spirits watched the scene with interest.

"Ah! So the mad dog thinks he can invade my skies? That just cannot be allowed," Gilgamesh said, getting on the Vimana.

Tokiomi tried to stop Gilgamesh, "My king-"

"HEY TOKIOMI!" Kariya yelled from the top of a building across the river, "YOUR WIFE SAYS MINE IS BIGGER THAN YOURS!"

"Need a lift?" Gilgamesh offered.

"Much appreciated," Tokiomi said getting on the Vimana which then took off.

Just then Lancer arrived with Saber Lion, "Saber! There you are!"

" **Gao!"** Lion greeted everyone.

"Lion? What are you doing with Lancer?" Arturia asked.

"Ah, Lancer! I see you finally got my invitation!" Rider greeted Lancer with a smile.

"No, I actually came here to discuss an important matter with Saber," Lancer said.

"What is it?" Saber asked.

"I understand that we started on the wrong foot but-"

"Cut to the chase already!"

"I wish to ask for Saber Lion's hand in marriage!"

"You pig! DIE!" Saber drew Excalibur out but was held back by Tristan and Percival, "Let go of me!

"You can't kill Lancer! Lion loves him too!" Tristan reasoned.

"But she's just a baby!" Saber whined.

"You do not understand the hearts of the men! Love is the magic potion that nurtures young boys and young girls into men and women!"

"Ahhh!" The women swooned.

"So cool!" The men cried out in awe.

"But Lancer's a perverted pig!"

"No, I'm not! I even wore this to cover my lovespot," Lancer said while touching his bandage but accidentally pulled it off and revealed his lovespot making Lion facepalm.

"Aaaah!" All the ladies, except Lion, Arturia and Mordred, gasped in ecstasy.

Lancer covered his lovespot immediately, "Sorry, I'm still getting used to the bandage."

"Just stay the fuck away from my baby sister!" Gwain warned Diarmuid, standing in front of a flushed Gareth protectively.

"How long?" Gaheris asked Merlin.

"Soon..." Merlin replied.

From the top of a tall building a few blocks away from the battle, Sola-Ui was gritting her teeth in anger, "Those bitches, they all want to keep my Lancer for themselves!"

"The lovespot affects you even when covered?" Someone asked. Sola-Ui turned around to find Kayneth on his walkers.

"Kayneth, what are you doing here?" Sola-Ui asked.

"I'm here to take my command seals back," Kayneth replied.

"Oh? And just how do you plan on doing that? You crippled squib."

Kayneth bowed down with his head on the floor, "I beg of you please return them to me!"

"Huh?" Sola-Ui blinked twice.

"Before this war began, I was the Professor El Melloi of the Clock Tower. My rivals would think twice before messing with me, seething afar in envy. Magi from all lineages would cater to me in hopes of my favour. But this war brought me down from my high horse. Throughout this war, I have been nothing but a laughingstock. I lost to mages I had thought weaker than myself, I lost my pride, I lost your love, I lost my legs and I even lost my magecraft, getting back into this war is my only shot at redemption so please please return me the command seals."

Sola-Ui smirked showing off her command seals, "Not a chance, these seals are here to stay-"

Just then Maiya swooped in with a meat cleaver poised to chop Sola-Ui's hand off.

"Sola-Ui!" Kayneth leapt upon Sola-Ui to protect her.

'SCHINK!' Blood splattered on Maiya's stoic face.

"Kayneth?" Sola-Ui gasped.

"Why me?" Kayneth rued the knife in his butt-cheek, "I was doing a good deed this time..."

Maiya pulled the meat cleaver out for a second attempt but Kayneth pulled out a gun and fired. Maiya dodged and jumped backward towards the roof's entrance before pulling out her gun and was about to unload upon the British magi.

'THWACK!' When someone opened the door banging it on Maiya's head and knocking her out.

"Oh my God! I'm sorry! I heard some gunfire and came to see what's going on," The security apologized.

"If only you had come a bit sooner..." Kayneth moaned in pain.

"Kayneth... You saved me..." Sola-Ui muttered.

"Of course Sola-Ui, you are still my fiancée after all..."

"Hmph! You're still not getting the seals back!"

"Aww..."

Meanwhile, on the other side of the river, Gilgamesh dropped Tokiomi on a building where Kariya was waiting for him.

"Do not embarrass me," Gilgamesh ordered before flying off towards Lancelot.

"Kariya, before we begin answer this, did you really have sex with Aoi?" Tokiomi asked with complimentary hand gestures.

"Not yet," Kariya smirked as Tokiomi frowned, "Now you answer me, why did you leave Sakura with Zouken?"

"Why do you care? You left the path of a Magus a long-"

"Cut the crap and answer the question!"

"Well I suppose I owe you that much," Tokiomi shrugged, "If you hadn't left then Sakura and Rin's future wouldn't have been secure. Both my daughters have the potential to be the best. But only one can be my heir and inherit the Tohsaka crest. A conflict was inevitable. By quitting the Matou family you left it without an heir, with no mage to inherit the family crest. So I offered Sakura as the Matou heir in hopes of securing both their futures and hopefully securing their futures."

"Bullshit. We both know that the crest can be divided between heirs and what's to stop them from fighting in future? Matou and Tohsaka are rival families in the same territory are they not?"

"Fine. The truth is I did it for power."

"What?"

"That's right, by giving Sakura to the Zouken I ensured that she inherits the Matou crest while Rin will inherit the Tohsaka crest. When that would happen, Zouken would meet an accident, allowing me to take Sakura back giving the Tohsaka family two crests. Why divide one crest when you can have two? But you already took care of your father for me, now I just have to kill you."

"You bastard! Do you have any idea what Sakura had to go through?"

"I won't be chastised by an outcast who abandoned the path of the magus!"

"You idiot! The fact that I abandoned the Matou should have been clue that there's something wrong!"

"Enough! I haven't come to listen to your rants!" Tokiomi said holding his scepter firm as the jewel embedded in it glowed.

"I was going to beat some sense into you, but now I will kill you and take Aoi and Rin with me!" Kariya said as a swarm of huge bees with red eyes and drill-shaped arms appeared behind him.

Meanwhile, over the river, Gilgamesh gauged Berserker's mobile suit from Vimana's cockpit.

"So we meet again mongrel!" Gilgamesh said, "Last time you managed to escape with your life."

" **Berserker,"** Berserker said which the Dark Knight's operating system translated as, **"The way I remember it, you managed to escape with your life."**

"Ha! So you learned how to talk? Or is it that toy of yours? It's impressive, but I have something better," Gilgamesh stood up and said, **"Vimana Prime!"**

The Vimana glowed brightly before it's parts came off piece by piece before merging into a golden mobile suit with gold wings. The cockpit opened allowing Gilgamesh to enter. When he did the cockpit closed and Vimana Prime held two huge gold scimitars.

"Come on mongrel! Show me what you can do!" Gilgamesh dared Lancelot.

" **Berserker!" "En garde!"** Berserker's Dark Knight charged at Vimana Prime.

Back at the coast, Saber was no longer trying to kill Lancer.

"Okay! So now that we're all calm and collected how do we deal with that thing?" Bedivere asked.

"What's there to think about?" Arturia asked drawing out her sword, "I have an Anti-Fortress Noble Phantasm right here! I will just blow that monstrosity with a swing of my sword."

"Indeed, the king is not human," Agravain said grinning like a shark, everyone gave him a deadpan look. Agravain sulked in a corner.

"What about Caster's master?" Waver asked

"We find him and kill him," Saber answered.

"Wait a second! We can't just kill the master," Galahad interjected, "The boy is a victim of serious mental illness, he needs proper psychological treatment."

"Wish you had said that a bit earlier," Hassan said.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" A woman screamed as crowd gathered around a spot.

"So... urk... awesome... urk..." Uryuu gurgled out with a grin amazed by his guts which had been splattered to the ground by a black dirk.

From a vantage, Kiritsugu cursed, "Shit! I was supposed to make the kill for world peace!"

"Uryuu..." Caster gasped, feeling the connection between Uryuu and himself cut off signifying his master's death, "HOW DARE YOU GOD? ALL URYUU WANTED WAS TO SEE THE COOL OF KILLING! I WILL AVENGE HIM! I WILL KILL ALL YOUR SERVANTS! MAKE THEM LOSE FAITH IN YOU AS MY PET SWALLOWS THEM WHOLE! AND YOU WILL WATCH HELPLESSLY!" In response to Cater's rage, the Kraken imitation thrashed about.

"Interesting... this villain has a grudge against God..." A gore fan remarked.

"He might not be a complete failure of a villain after all..." An otaku who liked villains more than heroes said.

"Oh no! He's going berserk!" Diarmuid noted.

"Alright then-" Saber said and raised Excalibur up.

"Hya!" When Rider flew off with MoMo towards the squid monster.

"Rider what are you doing?" Waver asked.

"I shall conquer the beast and make it my pet," Alexander the Great replied.

"Rider wait!" But too late.

" **Ionioi Hetaori!"** Iskander declared before sucking the monster into his reality marble.

"What the hell?" Saber cursed.

Back at the rooftop of a building, Tokiomi was laughing at Kariya's familiars.

"Hahaha! You think your oversized bugs can beat my jewel magecraft?"

"Beedrill, use poison sting," Kariya ordered the Beedrills.

" **Buzzzzzz!"** The Beedrills fired poison stings from their stingers.

"Ha!" Tokiomi erected a fire barrier with a flick of his scepter and blocked the poison stings, "Must you embarrass yourself so much?"

"Surskit now! Water gun!"

" **Surskit!"** A blue little bug with four spindly legs shot water gun at Tokiomi which burst through the fire barrier.

"Umph!" Tokiomi groaned as hot steamy water hit him, "You bastard! You ruined my suit!" Tokiomi prepared another spell but Kariya was faster.

"Galvantula Thunder!"

" **Galvantula!"** A huge yellow furry tarantula fired a huge thunderbolt at Tokiomi.

"osweetmercifullordpleasetakemysoulandreleasemefromthissufferingthisisbeyondanythingihavesufferedevenmydebtsdidnothurtasmuch!" Tokiomi made weird noises upon being electrocuted.

"Thunder!" Kariya ordered and Galvantula obeyed.

"ogreatzeltrechhavemercyonmysoulandtakemetonomorealternatedimensionsandpleasepleasedonotturnmydaughterrinintoamagicalschoolgirl!" Tokiomi made more weird noises.

"Thunder!" Kariya repeated and Galvantula struck Tokiomi again.

"ilookabsolutelyfuckingridiculoususinggemmagicwhycouldntitbesomethingcoollikedragonortimetravelortelekinesisandiwishicouldstopdoingthosethingswithmyhands!"

"Shocking isn't it?" Kariya smirked.

"Fuck you!" Tokiomi threw gems at Kariya.

"Parasect! Bullet Seed!" Kariya ordered a crab with a mushroom-like shell.

" **Parasect!"** Parasect fired bullet seed which intercepted all the gems and hit Tokiomi blasting him off the roof.

"Oh, you're not getting off that easy!" Kariya followed after the Tohsaka head using Beedrill to carry him.

Back at the shore one of Iskander's soldier was reporting the situation inside Rider's reality marble.

"It's a monster! We are getting slaughtered out there!" The soldier recounted the situation within Rider's reality marble.

"He wasn't supposed to take it there anyway! Just tell him to bring the monster here!" Waver told the soldier.

"Iskander wishes to conquer beast with his own forces," The soldier explained.

"He can't, only an anti-fortress type noble phantasm can destroy it!" Saber explained.

"Insa." The soldier said.

Saber grabbed the soldier by his collar and said, "Oh you do not Insa the king, you obey... Now go back to Alexander and tell him to let the squid monster-"

"Super Mega-" Merlin tried to correct Saber.

"Whatever! Just get it out of there!" Saber ordered the soldier.

"Wow, her Majesty is not in a good mood," Galahad whispered.

"Perhaps it's that time of the month," Bors remarked.

"Shut up Bors!" Arturia told Bors.

"You see what I mean?" Bors whispered to Galahad.

Just then the monster appeared.

"JEANNE BEHOLD! EVEN HELL CANNOT SEPARATE US!" Caster boasted from inside the monster.

"Hn! Finally! Now everyone might want to step back," Saber warned everyone and they all heeded, then she lifted her blade which glowed with a golden light, "EX-" She stopped her attack when Vimana Prime passed between her and her target.

Saber tried again, "EX-" Dark Knight passed in front of her.

Saber tried again, "EX-" Dark Knight and Vimana Prime clashed with each other blocking Saber's view.

"Archer! Berserker! What the fuck do you think you are doing?" Saber asked Archer and Berserker.

"Do not interrupt us woman! I am in the middle of executing the Mad Dog!" Gilgamesh snubbed Arturia.

" **Berserker!"** Berserker retorted which was translated as, **"I'm the one executing you fool!"**

" _Just blast Archer and Berserker along with Caster, for world peace!"_ Kiritsugu told Arturia through their mental link.

" _Can't do that, annoying as they may be they are still allies,"_ Arturia refused.

" _Only for now,"_ Kiritsugu reminded.

" _Even so this alliance stands upon honour, if I kill anyone other than Caster my word will never be trusted again."_

" _Fuck honour! You'll have to kill them all eventually for world peace!"_

"You don't fuck honour! Honour fucks you and your world peace!" Saber noticed everyone giving her a strange look, "Did I say that out loud?"

"Yeah... Let's try from the other side of the river," Irisviel suggested.

The group crossed over to the other side of the river with Merlin's teleportation.

"EX-" Saber was interrupted when Tokiomi fell in front of her, "What the fuck?"

"Ugh..." Tokiomi groaned and rolled over in time to avoid a poison sting.

"Hey Tokiomi, hope I'm not bugging you!" Kariya smirked as Beedrill dropped him to the ground.

"Oh, that does it!" Tokiomi started muttering something in German when Galvantula crept behind him, "Fubar..."

" **Galvantula!"** Galvantula used thunderbolt.

"ohgodifonlyihadneverbeenbornifonlyihadnevercomebetweenkariyaandaoitheniwouldntbeinsomuchsuffering!"

"Hey! I'm trying to kill a monster here!" Saber said.

"So am I!" Kariya said.

"Help... me... " Tokiomi begged.

"Do you mind taking this elsewhere? My monster happens to be a bit bigger than yours!"

"Insa." Kariya said while Galvantula continued to torture Tokiomi.

"What's wrong with everyone? Why do they keep getting in my way?" Saber asked.

"Maybe we should try from the bridge?" Irisviel suggested.

"No more..." Saber growled and held her ahoge tight.

"Arturia... Calm down now... There's no need to get angry..." Merlin tried to placate Saber.

"I'VE HAD JUST ENOUGH OF THIS!" She let out a loud roar upon ripping the ahoge off her hair.

"Oh boy..." Merlin muttered.

On cue a dark aura exploded from her body, covering her features in complete darkness. When the aura faded Saber changed, her armour and garments were completely black, her eyes were yellow with slits in place of pupils, her Excalibur which once shone brightly with ideals of knighthood turned pitch-black with red engravings reflecting tyranny and brutality.

"Saber?" Irisviel asked.

Alter Saber turned to Iris and gave her a smile that sent chills up her spine. Then Arturia turned to Kariya and Tokiomi with her sword raised as the wind blew around her form.

"You two! Play somewhere else!" Arturia said before blowing the two magi away with Strike Air attack.

"THE TOHSAKA HEAD IS BLASTING OFF!" Tokiomi screamed as he disappeared into the night sky with a twinkle. Kariya, on the other hand, was saved by Beedrill.

"What's with you lady? I was in the middle of a long overdue beatdown!" Kariya asked Arturia.

"Insa." Saber said indignantly.

"Why don't you understand the hearts of the men?" Tristan asked Arturia regarding Kariya's grudge match.

"Indeed! The king is not human!" Agravain added.

"Another word about 'the hearts of the men' and I'll rip your heart out and feed it to Unit Lion! And another word on my humanity and I'll make sure you're not a man anymore!" She warned Tristan and Agravain before turning to Lancer, "And you! Stay the fuck away from Saber Lion!" She warned Diarmuid before turning to Mordred, "And you! Come here!" She ordered Mordred.

"Yes ma'am-OW!" Mordred clutched her head, "Papa why- OW!"

"Call me your Grace!" Alter Saber ordered.

"Yes your Grace- OW!" Mordred fell to the ground.

"Not 'yes your Grace' just 'your Grace'!"

"Sorry your Grace- OW!" Mordred had a bump on her head.

"Just 'your Grace!'" Arturia repeated.

"Mama... Save me..." Mordred cried.

"Quit your whining! You'll never be a king at this rate!" Arturia reproached her child who cried even harder.

"What a cruel father!" Assassin sympathized with Mordred.

"Reminds me of my own father..." Rider reminisced.

"My father wants to turn me into a cup..." Irisviel said nonchalantly.

"It's the Alter mode! It's turned her personality a complete one-eighty degree!" Merlin explained.

Everyone stood stiffly when Alter Saber turned around. Then she summoned Unit Alter Lion, black version of Unit Lion with shark-like teeth and red glowing eyes.

Alter Saber got on her steed and commanded, "Let's go Unit Alter Lion!"

" **ROAR!"** The giant mechanical roared before it took off towards Berserker and Archer.

Vimana Prime and Dark Knight were about to clash but were stopped by Unit Alter Lion crashing into them.

"ENOUGH! ARCHER! LANCELOT! STOP FIGHTING AT ONCE AND MOVE TO THE SIDE!" Arturia ordered Archer and Berserker.

"Watch your tongue lady!" Gilgamesh warned Saber.

"I'M NOT HERE TO WATCH MY TONGUE YOU STUPID GOLD BABOON! I'M HERE TO BLOW THAT UGLY MONSTER'S ARSE AND FISH EYES OFF THE FACE OF THIS PLANET! AND YOU KING BILBABESH ARE IN MY FUCKING WAY! SO IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU YOU'LL JUST STAND ASIDE OR ELSE I'LL BLOW YOU ALONG WITH THAT THING! CLEAR?" Alter Saber gave Archer an earful.

"Yes ma'am, your word is my command!" Gilgamesh saluted with starry eyes.

" **Berserker..."** Lancelot muttered which Dark Knight translated as, **"That's totally your type of woman isn't she?"**

"OH JEANNE! YOU HAVE FINALLY GIVEN INTO DESPAIR!" Caster cheered from the innards of the demon.

"SHUT UP CASTER! NOT EVERYTHING'S ABOUT YOU! EVEN RULER DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU! SHE'S WAY ABOVE YOUR LEAGUE!" Arturia rebuked Caster.

"Mmmm..." Caster moaned pathetically.

"NOW EVERYONE! STAY OUT OF MY WAY! ANYONE THAT COMES BETWEEN ME AND CASTER WILL BE BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS! IS THAT CLEAR?"

"Yes your majesty..." Everyone said.

"I DIDN'T HEAR YOU!"

"Yes your Majesty!" Everyone repeated.

"LOUDER!"

"YES YOUR MAJESTY!"

"GOOD! NOW BRACE YOURSELF!"

"YES YOUR MAJESTY!"

"You can stop now..."

"YES YOUR MAJESTY!"

"Idiots..." Alter Saber sighed then raised her black sword which released a huge pillar of black beam, "EX-" She swung her sword at Caster, "CALIBUR!" A huge black beam was fired upon the Super Mega Ultimate Prime Horror and the Caster within.

Seeing the blast heading towards him, Caster remembered Joan D' Arc, a beautiful young French knight with kind purple eyes, smiling and holding out her hand towards him, her bright blonde hair held back by a metal headgear.

As the attack grew closer Giles De Rais had only one thought to share with Saber...

"You're not Jeanne-" Caster realized before the blast obliterated him and the Super Mega Ultimate Prime Horror.

When the blast faded there was no trace of either Caster or his summon.

Alter Saber stood still, then dramatically raised Excalibur up in the air.

"LONG LIVE THE KING!" The crowd cheered.

Saber's ahoge popped back on her head and she returned to normal, "Uh, What happened to Caster?"

"Marvelous isn't it?" Gilgamesh said as he watched from the top of the bridge.

"It's actually painful to watch," Iskander disagreed, "A noble heroine falling into the realms of anti-heroism."

"Beautiful isn't it? I didn't know she had that side to her, we are more alike than I imagined."

"You and I will never see eye to eye," Rider rued.

"Yeah that's deep and all but... CAN WE GOT OFF THIS PLACE?" Waver asked as he clung on to the Gordius Wheel for dear life.

"What are you doing here mongrel? Now that I think about it when did I get here?" Gilgamesh wondered.

"No clue, but it's quite the view isn't it King of Babylon?" Iskander grinned.

"Why me?" Waver sighed.

Meanwhile in a dark empty place, a figure darker than black sighed, "Finally! Someone bites the dust! Now just five more heroes before the grail is ready."

"Avenger," A purple grail-shaped blob with a mouth and two beady eyes said.

"What is it Sehai-kun?" Avenger asked.

"You don't need the grail to destroy the world," Sehai-kun dropped a knife, "Here take the Anti-Humanity weapon and destroy all humans."

"YOU IDIOT!" Avenger screamed as he chased Sehai-kun around with the knife, "IF IT WERE THAT SIMPLE I WOULD HAVE ALREADY DONE IT!"

After a few rounds, Avenger stopped chasing Sehai-kun and took in deep breaths. "Just five more heroes then I'll be ready to grant humanity a wish... a death wish..." Angra Mainyu, the Persian deity of darkness and the Source of All the World's Evil, promised.

 **A/N** **: Not sure if Insa is an actual Arabic word since I obviously got that from Body of Lies (which if you haven't watched you should). It might take a while before the next update. So check out my other stories if you haven't. Till then see ya!**


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